My mother's daughter.

So I've entered the part of my life where I've officially become my mother. Not so much in the obvious ways - she was married with two kids by the time she was my age. But in the tiny little details and in deeper, more disconcerting ways. Today at the store I made a sound and a gesture that came channeling through me directly from my mother. I swear it wasn't me. It was her. It was unreal. That kind of thing happens more and more the older I get. I used to hear myself repeating her trademark comments. But now it's showing up everywhere, all kinds of little behaviors. Which is just flat-out bizarre, because I haven't been in close contact with my family for the past 14 years! Weirder still is that I see where her little behaviors come from - it's like I'm getting a window into my mom's emotions through my own, in a way entirely different from the experience of watching her do/say those same things (and feeling mortified, judgemental, annoyed, whatever - as only a teenager can). I can't even describe it properly. Surreal I tell you.

Becoming my mother isn't an entirely bad thing. My mother is a Good Woman, and it would not be the worst person in the world to become. She's quite good at taking care of people. Especially small people, seeing her with my little niece & nephew is great, she's the quintessential grandma. Sewing clothes, baking cookies, playing games with them (my neice cheats at Chutes & Ladders btw). Now that my other nephew - her oldest grandson is in bootcamp, she writes to him every other day. Devoted.

She's raised me with very clear instructions (consciously and unconsciously) on what one *should* do in the world, I know right from wrong, nice from ugly. My mom always uses the word "ugly" to describe behavior. I don't think I ever once heard her say "ugly" in reference to how something looked. She'd be more likely to say "Well... isn't that... interesting." with an eyebrow raise that expressed her true opinion. But if she heard of someone being dishonest or immoral - that was "ugly" and being ugly was probably her worst criticism of a person. Ugly as sin. My mother is a beautiful woman.

So like I said, turning into my mother is far from the worst thing in the world. The problem is, she's not especially happy. She takes her responsibilities and her commitments seriously. So seriously that no matter how unhappy she is in a given situation, she'll stick it out. She cleans up other peoples messes. I have inherited, absorbed these traits, it scares me. I'll get into a rut and just stay there. It doesn't even always occur to me that something's wrong with the situation. My boredom or unhappiness is just something I need to tough out. Obviously I know how to have fun, and I do things I enjoy. It's just, I don't know, it's not a central part of my personality. Being good was always more important than being happy.

I've never been especially skilled at generating my own hapiness. But I'm working on it. I'm trying to temper her committment, devotion, her morals, with a little more balance, a lot more joy, and a degree of selfishness I have never seen her display. And... more openness. My mom stuffs a lot of her emotions, most of her unhappiness. She complains (a lot! I come by that honestly I tell you!), but it's rare for her to really express disappointment or sadness or anything like that - especially to the person causing her sadness or disappointment. And it's even rarer for her to do anything about it. I don't want to be like that.

I don't know really what made me post all this. I guess part of it is reading The Poisonwood Bible - I haven't finished it yet, but there's a lot about the complex relationship between a mother & her daughters.... that combined with channeling my mother at the Fred Meyer fish counter just kinda all came together.