Monday, November 3, 2008

A belated horror story

It was a hot and steamy night. Rebel trudged home from the food court laden with kow mok gai and a weariness known only to EFL teachers who've spent an hour attempting to explain a minor and unimportant grammatical point to a student who just.won't.let.it.go. She felt her arms begin to go numb under the weight of her oversized backpack. She reached behind to lift and adjust the weight of the bag, feeling the cool air slide between the bag and the sweat soaked shirt against her back. Only another block to go.


The side gate was closed, so she walked the long way around to the main entrance, every step wringing another drop of sweat from her brow as she greets the night-guard. Almost home. Step by step up the staircase, and down the hall. She dropped her backpack and rummaged for her keys... the other side of the door held the joys of air-conditioning and a refreshingly cold shower. She opened the door, turning on the ceiling fan and heaving her bag into the room before turning on the light. Home.


Sweat soaked work clothes were shed carelessly as she made her way to the shower. She shut the bathroom door behind her and turned on the water. No tentative splashing to get used to the cold water tonight... no, she jumps under the full force of the water, washing away sweat and stress. She reaches up to comb through the tangled mop on her head thinking she's well overdue for a haircut. And suddenly something grazes her leg... a feeling distinctly unlike drops of water. Gasping she looks down and sees...





THE LARGEST FUCKING FLYING COCKROACH KNOWN TO MANKIND.



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


She screams, kicking the cockroach away from her. It lands in the water pooling on the bathroom floor and scurries this way and that as poor Rebel attemps to get away from it. Our heroine jumps across the tiny room, tears open the door and runs SCREAMING into the main room. She pauses briefly, dripping profusely onto the bathmat, to scan the room for a towel. She recalls that her only clean towel is hanging the bathroom which is now occupied by the LFFCKtM. Her two other towels are on the drying rack out on the balcony. Only the knowledge that the night-guard is sitting directly in view of her balcony window keeps her inside. She turns around and peeks into the bathroom again.


The LFFCKtM is doing the backstroke, scurrying around the bathroom floor.


AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rebel screams again, running in circles around the room, dripping water everywhere. She considers briefly, but sincerely, wrapping herself in her blanket and running across the hall to find a neighbor to dispatch the LFFCKtM in a manly fashion. Only the prospect of complete humiliation is more terrifying than the thought of the creature in her bathroom... so she does what any self-respecting blogger does in such a horrifying situation.


(for some concept of scale - my foot is as long as one of those squares)

After documenting the size and fearsomeness of the LFFCKtM for posterity, our heroine begins to contemplate the best course of action. Any attempt to kill the LFFCKtM would only result in a mess more disgusting and disturbing that the LFFCKtM itself. She decides to immobilize the creature with a shoe, so she can slide a piece of paper underneath it and transport it outside. She drops a sandal onto the LFFCKtM.... and it SCURRIES AWAY!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After several attempts, interspersed with running around the apartment naked & screaming & thinking decidedly unfeminist thoughts about how girls should *not* have to deal with bugs, brave Rebel manages to secure the LFFCKtM in a the cover of an old notebook and toss it outside without flashing the night guard. She takes a moment to shudder and 'yuck' before returning to the shower (which has continued running through this ordeal) and finally getting ready for bed.

Life in the Little Mango is anything but dull.

Code Pineapple.


9 comments:

jovaliquilts said...

ooooo yuk yuk yuk!! I know exactly how you feel. In junior high I lived in the tropics and have a zillion disgusting stories myself. I definitely feel your pain.

IamSusie said...

Gah!! That thing is HUGE! His long antennae are particularly creepy.

You are a brave and powerful woman!

Trillian42 said...

I'm half a world away, shuddering at the picture of that thing. I might have gone in search of a big manly man, nekkidness aside.

Ick.

Exuberant Color said...

The video in my head as I read that story was funny, but I'm with you, us girls shouldn't have to deal with those huge bugs. And I agree, the mess after killing them is more revolting than when they are alive. I hate the crunching sound when killing them. Now you know you can handle anything after that!

Ginger_Curls said...

Oh No! You poor thing, I hate cockroaches. What possible benefit can they provide to earth? A place I lived once had cockroaches in the roof space and one day while I was in the shower I could hear them. I looked up at the light and they were running around in the little glass shade. I got out so fast!

Melissa said...

Ewwww! And this post didn't get tagged code Durian??? You're a brave soul!

Bezzie said...

Good news though! When they're that big they're loners. Bad news--they like the water of the drains.
I had a similar experience in Texass. Where basically the only things bigger in Texass are the bugs.
I usually kept a plug or something over the drain to keep Shakira (yes, I named my shower cockroach) from coming out at night (when she really liked to party). I figured if she could lift the plug, then kudos to her--I could not defeat her.

Bezzie said...

Oh P.S. NEVER GOOGLE: "Cockroach in my shower drain"!!!!!!!!!

Michael5000 said...

Oh, ya big wuss!

Ya big hilarious wuss!