What was I thinking?

Remember these?



Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. It all seemed like a good idea at the time. But now I realize this project started as a quilt-show impulse purchase and has just snowballed into a project that's just not in any decorating concept I've ever had for my home.

But... I'm itchin' to quilt and trying not to buy anything until my employment situation is well and truly sorted. So here I am....working on a quilt that is just waaaay too funky for me.

I've been thinking of making a quilt for my niece, so I may end up sending this one to her. But I'm not even sure if it's her kind of thing. So... we'll see.

I'm vowing to do a better job of stashing in the future. I'm going to get a clear concept of the kind of quilts I want in my home, and buy accordingly. No more impulse fabric purchases. Hold me to it!

Orange you glad

Right before Christmas I had the good fortune to stay at Castle5000, home of fellow quilter Michael5000. In addition to having a roof over my head (woo hoo!), I was reunited with my quilts, fabrics & sewing machine (WOO HOO!!)

I pretty much immediately started quilting again. Immediately as in, I pulled out some strips I'd cut down from the scraps of previous projects, started sewing them together and didn't stop until I had a quilt top done. *

(forgive the crappy photography - just bought a cheapo camera to tide me over)

I'd wanted to do a Stacked Coins quilt for a while, and had sketched out the basics a while back in my quilt notebook. So I already had a pattern, most of the strips, and even a couple yards of the orange fabric that I'd picked up cheap at the Fabric Depot summer sale back in the day. Stashes are good! I love my stash! =) The only thing I had to buy new was the binding, I am waaaay too lazy to make binding myself.

The plan was to give this one as a gift for one of the many new babies in my world. But in my haste to make something fast, I made a several mistakes.... one would be okay, two... is pushing it but after three I didn't feel good about giving it as a gift anymore. Not gonna point the mistakes out to you, but trust me, they're there.


Here she is, I'm calling her "Orange You Glad" - Orange you glad to be home, orange you glad to be quilting again, orange you glad that you have a bright orange quilt to cuddle up in? And the answer is yes. Yes I am!




* Well, there were potty breaks. ;)

The Job Hunt

I've been back in the states for a solid month now... in Portland for a bit over two weeks. I haven't experienced too much 'reverse culture shock'. Mostly things seem comfortable and normal. While I was in Thailand it really felt like I'd been there over a year, but when I got back to Portland it felt as though I'd only been gone a little while. So at times I am shocked to see things that have changed. One of the grocery stores I used to frequent has gone upscale and I nearly made myself dizzy trying to place the old blue-print of the shop over the new design. It's been really great to meet up with friends again though.

The main thing occupying my time right now is looking for a job. I've signed up with (or tried to sign up with) about 4 different temp agencies, and as of this morning I've applied for 48 jobs. I'm pretty sure that's about four times more jobs than I've ever applied for in my life. Writing cover letters is killing me. It's tough to walk the line between confidence and arrogance when stating my skills (especially when I don't feel particularly confident in the first place)... and trying to manufacture enthusiasm for an admin job is no easy task. "Data entry thrills me to my soul and keeping files organized is my raison d'etre."

While I'd love to find a job with some kind of adult-education/training component there's not a lot of that out there so I've been applying for more general administrative or accounting jobs. The whole situation is just terrifying. In the past I've always been able to find a temp job within a couple of weeks and twice those have turned into long term positions... but I haven't gotten anything from the temp agency yet.

My next big task will be 'networking'. Whenever I read about networking I want to crawl under a rock and die. It's just so totally against my nature to call up random people and go talk to them. The examples given in all those advice articles just kill me (one guy walked up to the CEO of a company while the guy was eating breakfast and started talking about his strategy for the company's future), and they all seemed far more geared towards sales or marketing positions than general office work. I just couldn't imagine myself calling up the chair of a University department to discuss the formatting of his most recent grant application. But this seems to be the way one taps into the 'hidden job market' so I need to work on that. Anyone particularly good at this who wants to give me some advice??

Well, that's my exciting & adventurous life right now. I'm knitting again, which is good... but I knit too much the past few days and my hand hurts... which is bad. Gotta ease into these things I guess. Someday, when I have a job, and an income, and can get my camera fixed, I will take pictures of this terribly exciting 1x1 ribbed scarf, but until then...

Home! Sort of.

I'm back in Portland and pretty excited to be back on familiar turf again. I am set up in a sweeeeeet apartment, the part time residence of a friend's parents. It's big, clean, stocked with the basics and situated next to a Trader Joe's and across from a Max station, so I can hop on the train pretty easily and get anywhere I need to go. The only down side is that there's no internet access there, but that's literally the *only* downside. I'm really feeling blessed that I have friends here who are so willing to help me out.

At the moment, I'm hanging out at the downtown library and pretending to look for jobs. No, actually I did apply for one, but I really need to quit procrastinating and channel my anxiety into this whole job hunting thing.

As my life is not likely to be particularly interesting for the next few months, I don't anticipate writing much more on this blog. I know I promised all kinds of posts about American food, and about the King of Thailand (who I am no longer forbidden to call a 'giant poopy head' if I so wish... I don't really wish to, but it's nice to have the option) but now that I have real live people to talk to, pouring my guts out online is not so much of a driving need. But who knows?

Happy Thanksgiving

YUM!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays (the other being Independence Day), and I'm super excited to get to celebrate it in the US, and with a family I used to do Thanksgiving with back in college. It's not home, but it's the next best (or possibly better) thing. =)

And I'm baking! Despite my Sunset Breads cookbook being locked safely in a friend's basement, I decided to make challah. I summoned the gods of the internets (posted on a forum) and aquired the measurements for the ingredients & baking temp/time. I mean, I know how to make this bread...just wasn't sure of the numbers.

Then, last night as I was going through some of my old pictures I found this one:

And I cracked up, because even though I'm making onion bread (and presumably my roasted veggie-basil soup) in this picture, the cookbook is open to the challah page. =) And thanks to the obscenely high level of resolution on the camera I had at the time, I was actually able to enlarge it enough to read the recipe.

THIS! This, my friends, is why I support the photo-documentation of all cooking / baking endeavors. Because one day, you may be recently returned from overseas adventure, miles away from your favorite cookbook and need (yes NEED) to make your favorite dish.

At this moment I'm hanging out at Starbucks as my challah dough goes through it's first rise*. Let me tell you, I haven't mixed dough by hand in a good long time, and I miss Betty dearly. But I am extremely thankful for the strength in my arms, digital photography, the best laptop a girl could ask for, a well stocked kitchen, a loving (and endulgent) friend to stay with, and a 100% American Thanksgiving meal in my forseeable future!

I am also thankful for all my cyber-friends who have supported me this past year (or longer!), and wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving filled with both kinds of stuffing & plenty of gravy on top. =)


*well, I decided to start it with a sponge this morning which I let rise as I showered / got ready, but this is it's first *official* rise with all the proper ingredients mixed in. I'm not sure this recipe is meant to be started with a sponge, so encorporating the eggs, oil & remaining flour was a bit tricky.... and sticky.... and very very messy!


**Edited to add a picture of the little challah I made. This was consumed in about 4.7 seconds by the two of us. This was like a sacrificial challah to keep us away from the big challah I made for tomorrow. =P

I'm not dead.

I'm still in the Bay Area but will be heading up to Salem tonight. My social life has experienced something of an explosion while here. I met up with Bobby who is living in SF now - we went on an epic quest to find this particular Mexican restaurant but alas, it was closed. But we had Indian food instead and it was yummy. I also met up with two friends from High School and had fun drinking a few beers with them... since we were all such good kids and never drank together back in the day. Mostly I've been hanging out in J's apartment, eating cheese and looking for jobs on craigslist. No responses yet... cross your fingers.

One thing I was able to accomplish here was to recover pictures from my camera's corrupted memory card. Yay! So here are pictures of Vietnam:


I met up with Jonathan & we went for beers at 'beer corner'.
Then to a cafe in downtown. Look ma - I'm in a communist country!

How to cross the street in Hanoi: close your eyes, start walking and hope for the best.


I went to the Temple of Literature which was surprisingly peaceful. I was expecting books.There were no books.


Jonathan took me to a concert at the Opera House which was fabulous, and to Indian food, which was... architecturally inspiring. Ha Long Bay was beautiful.

"Beautiful" and "Enjoyable" are different.


So yeah, I'm heading up to Salem now for Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure that I've gained back about 10 lbs this week. J. keeps telling me I was standing on the scale wrong the first day I weighed myself, but I think she's just being kind. At this rate I'll be back to pre-Thailand weight by the time I get back to Portland. Which is not too terrible, because then at least all my warm clothes will fit. =P

Safe & Sound in SF

I'm here in San Francisco, my flights were long but uneventful... and unsleepful. I'm really happy to see J again and am happily installed on the futon in her living room. The fridge is stocked with cheeses & Dr. Pepper. There are about a dozen different magazines in various stages of cheesiness on the coffee table. There's CARPETING! So far I haven't really experienced any reverse culture shock... just a sense of "Yes! This is how things are supposed to be!" you know, like you're supposed to be able to walk on sidewalks and not have to walk in the street to avoid the street vendors / welders / rats / etc. on the sidewalk. The cross-walks crack me up... we actually stopped at a 'don't walk' sign with only about one moving car in sight.

It's COLD. Well, cool - about 54F when we landed... but walking home from the BART stop I needed to zip my jacket... then a few blocks later I had to pull one of my pashminas out of my bag to wrap up in. We walked a good half mile and I DIDN'T SWEAT! That was refreshing. When J went to work I took a good long nap - under about three blankets. Her apartment is really cozy, and I'm enjoying that tremendously.

Tomorrow I start with the job hunting... wish me luck!

Rebel's Moderately Magical Mystery Tour

Ok... big deep breath, and exhale aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.





I didn't sleep well last night, too keyed up to sleep. When I did fall asleep, I had a fairly intense anxiety dream (of which I can remember nothing). But I woke up and stayed in bed a good long time. And it slowly began to occur to me that I didn't need to go to work today....and I don't need to go to work tomorrow. It's been a while since I've woken up knowing that I had two whole days with no obligations. Well, I did have an obligation to pack & get moved out by Friday. But then I thought "Why? Why am I creating more stress for myself?" All I really want to do today is hang out at Starbucks all morning, then maybe watch some DVDs while I slowly pack & repack my stuff. So I went downstairs and 'talked' to my landlady and told her I'd rather move out on Saturday. No problem! The sense of complete freedom is slowly but surely replacing the sense of anxiety. I think I'm going to be okay now.





And I've come up with the next step in my travel plans. There's a guest-house in Ban Phe that's part of the restaurant I like to go to on Sundays. It's cheap, familiar, there's a bookstore next to the restaurant, and there's a view of the ocean from their rooftop garden. This is the ideal spot for me to decompress for a bit before going into adventure mode. It'll also give me a chance to make sure I've packed everything that I need and nothing I don't. I'll be leaving the bulk of my stuff at the head teacher's place..... including my computer.





It was a tough call - I genuinely love my computer and I'm finally getting over feeling guilty about that. So I will bring it along to Ban Phe, spend some time organizing the photos I have accumulated and scouting out guest houses. But then I'll drop it back off with the rest of my stuff before I go to Bangkok and on to parts unknown.





Speaking of parts-unknown, I'm officially dubbing the next six weeks Rebel's Moderately Magical Mystery Tour. I'm going to take it easy. I'll plan each section step by step as opposed to trying to get it all sorted out in advance. This is radical people!!! But I will plan - I won't leave city #1 unless I have reservations for a place to stay at city #2.





You can count on me to spend copious amounts of time at various internet cafes, so I don't plan on going dark for any lenght of time... but pictures might be a bit scarce.





So that's that. I'm feeling a LOT better than I did last night. =) Still not sure how I'm going to cram appropriate clothing for a trip through three countries over the course of six weeks into a backpack and an overnight bag... but we'll see.



TAG: Code Sweet Chili Sauce

Safely in SF + I heart Craigslist

I made it to San Francisco and am now thoroughly enjoying spending time with J. I didn't realize how much I missed her until we started chatting on the BART and I remembered how we would sometimes end up on the same bus going home from work and we'd gossip & laugh the whole way home. Anyway, I know you're all itchin' to hear about Thailand...and I'll let you know as soon as I get there, but first I have to say -God bless Craigslist!

The whole process of selling/giving away all of my belongings was a learning experience. Shoulda, woulda, coulda… started posting non-essential furniture sooner, done a little better job of contacting people who responded, and importantly woulda, shoulda, coulda timed my postings better… right before the weekend for example. In any case, I did okay… I got just enough money selling my furniture, books (God bless Powells) & CDs (God bless Music Millenium too while we’re at it) that I was able to coast for through unemployement without dipping too much into my savings.

Pardon me while I brag about myself for a minute but I’m really impressed with the fact that I had saved up enough money to pull this whole thing off. I was able to go a full two months without working, paid for the plane ticket, the CELTA course, a new wardrobe, and my none too cheap vacinations & malaria meds. – all on top of my normal expenses. My mom did help me out with a couple hundred dollars when she was here, but really aside from Birthday money, that’s the only financial support I’ve gotten from my parents since mom helped me settle into my first apartment.

Anyway… back to Craigslist. I was feeling bad because less than 24 hours before checking out of my apartment I still had a couch, entertainment center, and desk to deal with. Also all of my cleaning products (mostly full bottles of everything since I’m vastly more enthusiastic about buying cleaning supplies than I am about actually using them), all of my house plants and some other misc. stuff were still laying around. I knew there was nothing else I could do (Goodwill around here doesn’t do pick-ups) and had resigned myself to just throwing everything away. The amount of waste involved was kinda stressing me out. But finally FINALLY someone that I’d been in contact regarding my couch actually showed up! There was a grandpa, mom & teen or 20 something daughter and a BIG TRUCK! They looked at the couch and decided to take it. And then I said “I’ve got other stuff too” and when they saw my desk they were like “It’s perfect” so that went too. They even tried to take the entertainment center, but it just wouldn’t fit. Oh well, at least we got it out of the apartment – which somehow makes me feel a bit better.

On the advice of a friend I had gathered up all my cleaning supplies and had them all in a big plastic bin outside my apartment. I was going to stick a ‘free’ sign on it and bring it to the laundry room, but I asked if they wanted cleaning supplies and the mom said “sure” and took them as well. And as we walked past all my houseplants she asked if I was getting rid of them as well. She took all the plants and even the empty pots… the daughter at this point was positively *dying* of embarrasment “Oh mom!” because the mom was going on about how flower pots are expensive, and houseplants get expensive. It was hillarious, I sooo remember reacting like that to my mom. But I was thrilled that they were effectively just cleaning out my apartment for me. Less waste for the landfill, less work for my landlord, less guilt for me – win win win. Plus you know – I hope I’m racking up some good karma for when I need to furnish my next apartment. After this whole experience, I’m just about ready to vow never to buy another piece of furniture again! At the very least I’m going to give free-cycle & craigslist a go before ever walking into a furniture store.

In short… I have no idea what I would have done without Craigslist – it’s just about the best things to ever happen on the internet.

Going Dark for real this time... sorta ;)

I'm about to turn in my cable modem... which is sure to involve another fabulous tale of trying to get errands done on TriMet. After that I have a few (dozen) loads of trash to take out - picking up all those odds and ends around the apartment. I have a friend coming over at 5 to pick up Betty (and give her a good home), then another friend coming over to pick up my crafty stuff to store.

After that I'll be trying to pack, unpack & repack until everything that's left will fit in my suitcases. I've reconciled myself to the fact that I'll be paying extra baggage fees... but I still need to be able to lift it all.

I've still got a couch, desk & entertainment center to deal with - although a few people have been calling about the couch so think good Craigslist thoughts for me!!!

Flight to San Francisco tomorrow morning, flight to Thailand on Monday (1am!!!) then I'll be in Thailand by Tuesday. Think happy "planes to stay in the air until slowly gliding into the appropriate airport at the appropriate time" thoughts for me too. =) I'll try to post something as soon as I can.

Where your treasure lies, there lies your heart also.

You're probably getting sick of hearing about how overwhelmed I am about moving... but well, it's either navel gazing or more stories from Trimet. Today - navel gazing.

I've made a bit (not nearly enough) of progress deciding what to do with all my stuff. It has been really difficult. I'm trying to be all zen about it... it's just stuff, it's just stuff, it's just stuff. But I'm blessed and cursed with a pretty good memory and if you haven't noticed I lean heavily towards the nostalgic & sentimental. So there's the book I got for my birthday (two days after my birthday because that was the year everyone forgot), the Jasper Johns flag poster my roommate got after 9/11 and that hung in our living room effectively the entire time we lived together, the big pink bread bowl I bought in celebration of moving into my very first apartment, the sweater I wore on my very first date (a red oversized men's sweater - went almost down to my knees - white leggings underneath - slouchy red socks with white Keds and I was pretty smokin' ;) ), etc. etc. etc. It doesn't matter if I actually like the item, or even if the memory associated with it is particularly good. I just have an emotional attachment to a LOT of stuff.

I haven't totally decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand it means I don't generally own stuff for no reason, something is either functional or meaningful to me in some way. But on the other hand, this connection to objects is probably not very healthy. I mean... a lot of people name their cars... I've named my car (Babette), my computer (Sophia), my sewing machine (Fraulein Peggy) & my mixer (Peggy D'oh ... Betty). I'm sure it says something about deep inner workings of my psyche... I just don't think I want to know what.


I have effectively two days before I leave (to go to San Francisco for the weekend before leaving the country entirely)... and I've still got quite a few loose ends to tie up. I still have a couch for one, and a few other misc. pieces of furniture. I'm going through a lot of "woulda shoulda coulda"s right now because I was trying to balance "keeping my apartment livable as long as possible" with "getting rid of things in a timely fashion" and erred on the side of waiting too long to start posting things to craigslist. I've had to deal with more than a few flakes and am now trying to *give* stuff away and am still getting flakes! Oh well... live & learn.

But progress... however limited... has been made.

June & Now


Closet before & After



While I've hardly gotten rid of *everything* I've pared down at least 75% of my belongings. It's astounding. Just the sheer volume of stuff I had (my sister regularly shames me by telling me she only has two pairs of shoes... and one pair of jeans etc. She also doesn't work (for pay - she's a mom, I know that's work) so she doesn't exactly need a work wardrobe. Whereas I've only managed to get down to 6 pairs of shoes for this trip (dressy black, dressy brown, casual black, casual brown, sandals and my red keens... I'm not going *anywhere* without my red Keens!) but that took some doing. It's not even that I'm extravagant... I just like variety. There are days when I have a very strong reaction to what I put on - I'll grab a blue sweater and then decide - no no no... can't wear that today, have to wear the brown one. Same with the shoes... I just have to have a couple fun pairs around in case I'm feeling rebellious. ;)

But all the fun shoes are gone now. The sparkley red ones I wore on New Years Eve, the blue converse that remind me of Doctor Who, the steel toed Doc Martins that were a bit to tight but felt kick-ass nonetheless, the black mules that showed off my infrequent pedicures, the saddle shoes that reminded me of cheerleading when I was little, the completely impractical high heeled black strappy party shoes, the brown canvas slip ons with the pink trim, and even the chunky brown 'interview' heels (the last pair of heels that I regularly wore to work after they caused me to twist my ankle and fall halfway down a flight of stairs - skinning my knee - during my first week at OHSU, and afterwards I saw my then coworker now friend and she was really sympathetic about it) - all lounging under appreciated on a shelf in a Goodwill store somewhere.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I guess, you know they say it's supposed to be liberating to get rid of all your stuff... to get rid of the emotional baggage that goes along with it. But that really hasn't been the case for me. I kind of feel like if I get rid of the stuff, I'm going to lose the memory. How do you decide which memories are really worth preserving?

Um... Just kidding. ;)

So Comcast went ahead and dutifully canceled my internet access yesterday as I had asked them to. I lasted about 20 minutes. Then I started freaking out. I was all irritated about something and I couldn't even figure out why. I started swearing at things and was genuinely mad for, I think, the first time since I quit my job. Huh... so that's what withdrawal is like. =P Honestly, I felt like a Borg removed from the collective.

I spent much of the day on the phone with Comcast begging them to reactivate my internet connection. They were able to bring it back today.... aaaaaahhhhhhhh. I feel better now. You might get a couple more posts from me before I head out. And I'll be looking for an internet cafe shortly after I land in Thailand.

Still slowly getting rid of all my stuff. I sold my TV and my bed today... which is ostensibly good because I really do need to be getting rid of stuff. But you know - now I have to sleep on the floor. =(

Thank you to all of you who have been leaving such encouraging comments - I really appreciate it. I mostly keep this blog for myself, as a kind of journal with pictures, but it's nice to get feedback now and then, makes it feel a bit more like a conversation & less like talking into the endless vacuum of cyberspace.


And thank you to the Portland folks who came to the picnic today - I had a great time and will miss all of you while I'm away.

Why, exactly, am I doing this?

This post is probably more for my benefit than anything else. I have been having some SERIOUS insomnia lately (going on two completely sleepless nights in a row here - of four in the past month), I'll be drifting asleep and totally jerk myself awake thinking "Oh God what am I doing?" I mean... I've never been to Thailand, I don't know how to teach... what am I thinking????

But there are real reasons why I've decided to make such a radical change in my life, and I need to keep those reasons in mind.

1. I was in the biggest, baddest, mother of all ruts in my life. I've spent the past decade stuck in two mind-numbingly, soul-sucking, unsatisfying jobs. Neither my opinions nor my intelligence was appreciated, and neither job left any room for creativity - AT ALL. I had a high level of responsibility but a very low level of authority or control over how to do my job. If I didn't get out of that last job I was going to go insane.

2. As much as I love Portland, as much of a patriot as I am; traveling to Europe was the most incredible experience for me. I loved seeing that the same basic functions could be handled in completely different ways than I was used to - telephones & toilets for example, exactly the same but completely different. I enjoyed getting to use a foreign language (the very few phrases I knew) and having native speakers understand me... and I was thrilled when I figured out new words on my own from context. It was like using a secret code. I loved seeing & touching pieces of history, like the Roman baths in Arles... ruins that were THOUSANDS of years old. From the very little experience I had on vacation, I knew that I needed travel to be a part of my life from that point on... that there was just so much out there to be seen & experienced. I will always be an American in my heart of hearts, and Portland feels more like home than any place I've ever lived...but I really want to see what else is out there in the world.

3. When my friends have gone to study or live abroad - in Paris, India, England, Australia - I've always been insanely jealous. Why should they get all the fun - why couldn't I go to?

4. Throughout my life I've had the good fortune to be friends with foreigners. I've always enjoyed exchanging tidbits of culture. I loved getting to see an Australian man eat his first brownie, teaching Chinese & Indian scientists to play kick ball at a company picnic, and explaining the meaning of the phrase "hanging out" to Japanese students. It was equally fun to share some authentic German Schnapps with a man who partied in Berlin as the wall was torn down. And I think it would be fun if I got to be that person... the foreigner with strange habits and stories of a land far away.

5. This one's kind of lame... but I really want to have something good to submit to The Scene - Willamette's alumni magazine. I'm so tired of seeing my classmates in the Class Notes section - getting married, having babies, running marathons... and having nothing cool to submit about myself. I'm REALLY excited to put something in about moving to Thailand, but am still trying to figure out the most glamorous & awe inspiring way to put it.

6. When I was little, I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up (I also wanted to be an artist, an astronaut, a gymnast, and a philosopher) but decided not to when I grew up and discovered I didn't really like children... and have been trying to figure out a way to get myself back towards that career path. Teaching English in Thailand requires far less training than any kind of official teaching position here in the US and will give me a chance to figure out if teaching really is something I want to pursue... something I'm willing to go back to school (and go into debt) for.

7. Although I know practically nothing about Thailand, it seems like a really interesting country. As far as 'exotic' countries - it seems pretty safe. They've always been an independent country, they've always been an ally to the US. Although they've had some chaos in their government, they are a democratic society and the people have a full range of rights and freedoms. For good or ill, there have been a TON of US tourists there, so although it will be brand new to me... they're well used to visitors from the west. In fact because of their tourist industry English teachers are in great need, and are paid reasonably well. It shouldn't be that hard for me to find a job with decent pay once I'm certified. Plus, I had a friend from Thailand in High School and he was a really cool guy. He called me "Homey G." (home-girl)* and we went out for sushi together once.... which in retrospect was probably a date... man was I clueless.

8. I need to live someplace warm for a while. As much as I love Portland... and recognize that it's hardly the coldest place in the world - I've been freezing my ya-yas off the past couple of years. This winter/spring in particular were COLD! I'm so tired of being cold all the time, and spending 9 months of the year looking like a ghost. I want to go live someplace where I can get a little sun and warm my bones. Yes, I am fully aware that I'm going to sweat like a pig once I'm there, and will probably be cursing the humidity daily... but still, it'll make for a nice change.

9. I want to get healthier and hopefully lose some weight. There's something about the American culture that's making people fat... myself included. I can take responsibility for eating crap & drinking entirely too much soda, but there's got to be more than just individual lack of will power going on if fully a third of us are overweight & obese. I kinda want to immerse myself in a culture without a weight problem for a while and see if I can learn anything.

10. Spiritually, I think I'm ready for something completely different. I've done the Christian thing...I don't mean to sound dismissive, but honestly I'm done with it. I grew up going to a small Baptist church, sang in the church choir, was president of my youth group - even gave the sermon on "Youth Sunday", and went through a charming "holier than thou" phase through much of High School and College. I've read the bible (well, skipped a few chapters of the Old Testament) and prayed the prayers. I've sat through sermons and gone to retreats. And through it all, I never felt especially close to God... never felt whatever it is you're supposed to feel ... and I'm not convinced it didn't do more harm than good to me. Between my own experience and all that's been going on in this country over the past 8 years, I'm pretty well sick of Christians and good Christian virtues. I want to know what it's like to live somewhere with a different dominant religion. I'm not about to convert to Buddhism, but I would like to learn more about it, more about the way the Thais integrate religion into their daily lives. I want to see the temples and see how Buddhists interpret divinity, how they describe the human condition. What are their answers to the big questions? It's not an immediate goal of mine.... which is why I want to actually LIVE abroad for a year or more... I want to have time to let this soak in for a while.

11. I want to know what it's like to be a minority. I don't anticipate particularly enjoying this part... but I think that it would be a valuable experience. I know it won't equate with the experience of a minority person in the US... in fact there isn't just one "minority experience" in the US, not even among people of the same race. But race is an issue that I find interesting... that I have the privilege of finding 'interesting'... so I hope to learn something about that - what it means to be different from the majority.

12. I want to be interesting. One of my big insecurities in life is that I'm not interesting, or more that other people aren't all that interested in what I think or what I do. I mean, I think I'm kind of interesting... or at least as interesting as your average person off the street. But I want to do at least one thing in my life that qualifies as undeniably "interesting". You know, that thing about 'if someone wrote your biography - would anyone want to read it' - I want there to be something to write down in my biography.... or you know this blog... something other than "Creepy guy stared down my shirt at the Max stop."

I'm sure there are more reasons...or more things I want to learn about and/or experience living abroad... but that's a pretty healthy list. Enough at least to answer that midnight ( or 3am) question "Oh god - why am I doing this??" And with that - I'm going back to bed. Wish me sleep. =)






*He also called me "34C" on a regular basis, especially in class and it irritated the crap out of me... which is, in retrospect, probably exactly why he did it. Boys.

My beauty

I cannot emphasize enough that taking public transportation gives you a view into humanity that you just don't get driving around with your windows up.


The other day I was waiting for the Max... just sitting there minding my own business, ready to go home after a long day of running errands. There was a scruffy looking older man in a wheelchair waiting nearby.


He rolled up to me and said "Sorry to annoy you, but would you put my books in my bag?"
"Um... sure" I replied.
Reaching behind him he pulled two books from between his back and the back of his chair and handed them to me. As I put them in the backpack hanging behind his chair I noticed that one of them was the Alcoholics Anonymous big book - I couldn't tell what the other one was. I zipped up the back pack and went to sit down again.
"Thanks" he said.
"No problem."


So I continue sitting there, trying to decide if it was worth it to pull my own book out of my backpack or if the Max would be there soon enough for me not to bother trying to read. But it turns out Mr. Wheelie Drinksnomore wanted to chat now.


"I want to compliment you on your beauty*." He said.
Oh lord...now I try to be good about accepting compliments but on this particular day I was no where near beautiful. My hair was in a pony tail and I was all sweaty & tired from being out and about but... not wanting to be rude I just said a modest "Thank you." and tried to think of something witty to say about inner beauty.
"Thank you for your beauty*. It's nice to give a man something good to look at."

And wow - there's suddenly something very interesting on the other end of the platform!





*I should mention that I happened to be wearing a low cut top... well not so much low as loosely cut top because it was hot - but you know if I leaned over or slouched at all.... anyway I'm pretty sure you can substitute "low cut blouse" for "beauty" in his comments and get his true sentiment.

Everything's alright yes, everything's fine.

(Listening to Jesus Christ Superstar… quite an appropriate song for me right now actually “close your eyes, close your eyes and relax think of nothing tonight…”)

For the first time in a while now I’m completely dependent on Tri-met for my transportation needs. Now, I count myself extremely fortunate to live in a city where relying completely on public transportation is even a viable option… but it does make life interesting. I also count myself as extremely fortunate not to have to work right now, because if I had to run all my errands after working an 8 hour day, I can assure you that these stories would be far less ‘interesting’ and rather more ‘infuriating’.

Last week I was riding back to downtown on the 12. It was not a peak commuting time so the bus was somewhat empty.

Ok – a (not so) quick aside, I am a total bus dork, and I have a favorite seat. Well, I have a favorite seat on the new buses. On the old buses, pretty much all the seats are the same… but in the new buses the section behind the back door is elevated (to make room for the wheel well & all that stuff I guess). Anyway… ALL (save one) of the window seats on the new buses have compromised leg room. There’s some weird indention that makes it so that you can’t just sit with your feet straight in front of you – your foot closest to the window needs to slide over a bit – which I guess normal people don’t really care about. But it bugs me, and there are only TWO window seats on the new buses that have full leg room – they are in the back section, the second row behind the back door. And actually, the one on the right side has a weird box thing on the floor. Which I think makes an excellent footrest – so that is my #1 favorite seat on the bus. My #2 favorite seat on the bus is the identical seat on the left (which has full leg room and no box). In my aspergers-esque mind – it is a GOOD DAY if I get to sit in either of those seats and a VERY GOOD DAY if I can sit in my favorite spot. I’ll sit in anywhere if there aren’t a lot of options, but seriously – favorite spot. I get a little cranky if someone beats me to it.

In addition to having full leg room (and a foot rest in the case of #1 favorite seat), I get a pretty good view of everything that’s going on in the bus. So when you read my stories about the bus – imagine me sitting up there in the back, leaning against the window, right foot on foot rest, probably attempting to read.

So anyway… I was riding the 12 back into town and there was a Middle Eastern looking Muslim woman sitting at the front of the bus in the sideways facing “honored citizens” seats – her infant son was in a stroller in the aisle. There were only a handful of other people on bus (so the stroller wasn’t a nuisance). The baby was fussy, despite his mom’s attempts to calm him – rubbing his belly, shushing him or stroking his cheek - he was just fussy. It was the end of the day, and he was clearly done with sitting in his stroller. He’d arch his back and squeal loudly, then his mom would try to distract him for a minute. Nothing seemed to be working. She rummaged around in her purse and found a pen. She waved it in front of him and he was temporarily distracted. Of course he grabbed it, and seeing that this quieted him down, she let him have it. Now if you have ever seen a human child – you know exactly what happened next. He threw it down. Then he started to squeal again. A white teenage boy sitting a few rows back, got up, picked up the pen and handed it back to the woman with a smile as he went to exit the bus.

The woman tried distracting her squealing son with the pen again, and again he grabbed it – played with it for a few quiet seconds, then threw it down again. This time it was a young black man who got up, picked up the pen and handed it back to the woman, then sat down again within arms reach of any more pen-throwing the little boy might do. And I just thought to myself… you know, it’s times like this when I think everything’s going to be okay. When safe & well fed I think the basic instinct of humanity is to just be nice to each other – regardless of differences in race or creed. And I felt a lot better about the world… or at least that tiny little slice of the world at that moment.

Favorite movies

I didn't think these quotes were that obscure... but you know, taken out of context I guess tough to identify:

1. "I am nobody’s little weasel." (to be fair, this is said in French - I just can't catch all the words) - Amelie, this is one of the funniest lines, her expression is priceless.

2. "I am Colin, god of sex. I’m just on the wrong continent, that’s all." - Love Actually, I love Colin - going to the magical place called "Wisconsin" to hook up with hot American babes.

3. "I do not wish to call you my friend, because I hope to call you something infinitely more dear." - Emma, as Mr. Knightly proposes. Swoon.

4. "Oh God that I were a man, I would eat his heart in the marketplace!" - Much Ado About Nothing, after Hero is belied, slandered, undone! In an awesome Emma Thompson / Kenneth Branaugh scene, Beatrice defends her cousin with a kick ass speech.

5. "My ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch." French Kiss, Kate imitating Luc's grumpy attitude.

6. "Believe me Marianne, had I not been bound to silence, I could have produced proof enough of a broken heart, even for you." Sense & Sensibility, another Emma Thompson scene.

7. "I ain’t looking for help from on high, that’s a long wait for a train don’t come." Serenity, Mal talking to Shepard Book.

8. "I myself am often surprised at life’s little quirks." - The Princess Bride , Wesley explaining to Buttercup how he could be the Dread Pirate Roberts.

9. "I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be." - Office Space, Peter's dream come true.

10. "My friends, you bow to no one." Yup - Lord of the Rings, Return of the King... this is such an awesome scene. I cry!

And in other movie related news - I've gotten rid of half my DVDs and 3/4 of my CDs but there are still some that I want to keep, and ideally take with me to Thailand. I was freaking out because I just didn't know how I'd be able to take them all, and it would be super expensive to mail them...when a friend gave me the brilliantly simple idea of buying one of those CD cases. yay!

I successfully got all of this:


Into this:

Sweet!

Movie quotes

I'm stealing yet another blog topic from Babbling Brook. Here are some quotes from my favorite movies - can you guess the movie?

1. I am nobody’s little weasel. (to be fair, this is said in French - I just can't catch all the words)

2. I am Colin, god of sex. I’m just on the wrong continent, that’s all.

3. I do not wish to call you my friend, because I hope to call you something infinitely more dear.

4. Oh God that I were a man, I would eat his heart in the marketplace!

5. My ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch.

6. Believe me Marianne, had I not been bound to silence, I could have produced proof enough of a broken heart, even for you.

7. I ain’t looking for help from on high, that’s a long wait for a train don’t come.

8. I myself am often surprised at life’s little quirks.

9. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.

10. My friends, you bow to no one.

Also... I just read this article on Boing Boing the other day and it struck a chord. Turns out I'm not lazy - I have brain fatigue! Having made several life-altering decisions and countless tiny decisions (give away/throw away/store/pack) , my poor little brain really is just burnt out. I feel better... I like having an excuse for playing two hours of Spider Solitaire yesterday. =P

Lonely old man

I've been eating out a lot lately. Even though I have loads of work to do at home, or maybe because I have loads of work to do at home, I've really needed to get out for part of the day. Usually I just go to Subway or maybe Taco Bell & do some of my assigned reading while drinking an obscene quantity of Dr. Pepper.

Anyway there I was in Subway reading "How To Teach English" and minding my own business when this little old man came up to me and started chatting me up. I had noticed him when I first came in, sitting at a table with a tattered leather satchel & an unopened paperback in front of him. After an exchange of "Hello"s he started quizzing me about my life. I can't even remember his opening line. I do remember thinking that although I was not at all interested in making small talk with this stranger (and strange he certainly was), I would soon be a stranger in a strange land and I was going to have to learn to be more outgoing if I ever wanted to make friends there. So when he asked what I was studying, I told him. And at his prompting I told him about my plans to go to Thailand.

Would you believe that a part of me had hoped I wasn't on the verge of something so interesting - I could have killed the conversation pretty quickly if I'd said "I sit in an office & do paperwork all day long." Instead he got to sound all excited for me, and he told me that he used to live here & there, and had even authored a novel in his younger days. He pulled out the book that had been sitting on his table, flipping it over to show a picture of him in, as they say, the full bloom of his manliness. the more we chatted the sadder this man seemed to be. He was so clearly clinging onto his 'glory days' and desperate for any small connection with another human being. I became uncomfortable and gradually shifted my focus back towards my book, answering his continued conversational attempts with minimal acknowledgements. Eventually he got the hint and, wishing me well on my trip, he left.

It struck me as so sad, so sad and so very frightening - how palpable this man's loneliness was. With no husband and no intention to have children - will I end up like this? As my friends focus increasingly on their own nuclear families, and as my own family grows older & I lose touch with relatives - will all my connections fade away? Will all my big adventures turn into snippets of small talk I subject strangers too? This is one of my greatest fears, to grow old, lonely & boring.

A few days later I ran into that same lonely old man at Subway again. I hadn't noticed him at first but he was there - leather satchel & unopened novel on the table. He got as I was pouring my drink and tried to start a conversation with the girl behind the counter. Then as an aside, he commented to me about her unwillingness to chat. I made a non-committal noise as I filled up my 32oz of Dr. Pepper & left the store.

Masochism

That's the one where you torture yourself right? I went to Powells again today.

The view from the mezzanine... not something you can say in most bookstores.

I'm not sure why I keep doing that! All I want to do is hunker down with a stack of bubble-gum books and hide out for a while. But I've got a text book to read and an apartment to clean out. So I really shouldn't be wandering through the city of books flipping through the pages of The Chronicles of Narnia and gazing at the pictures in a book about the Ocean. God, I just love that store!!! But it's a bit counter productive to go buy books when I'm trying to get rid of all my possessions!

It's really just overwhelming. I know if I focus and apply a few hours of work towards my apartment everyday, it'll get done and I'll feel better. I might even have time to read something fun. But every time I walk up to a shelf or open my closet, I start sorting through a few things, then I catch a glimpse of the rest of my un-sorted apartment and begin a panic attack. First comes an odd little half whine / half scream that escapes me as I wander away from the area I was sorting. This is followed by me taking laps around the room saying "Fuck fuck fuck - oh my god! Fuck fuck fuck what the fuck am I doing?" and resolves itself with me on the couch playing Tetris Worlds (I've beaten level 15 on 4 of 6 worlds!) and watching TV.


This is just not productive.

(Oooh...speaking of not productive - go watch Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog - so much awesome!)

Ok... it might be time for me to recruit some help. I'm signing up for Flylady's annoying emails, and breaking out my trusty timer. Wish me luck!