Painfully ugly quilting

Ok... I finished up the Valorie Wells quilt. I thought quilting would help improve my feelings for it... but no, it actually made me even less fond of it.


I tried to do concentric squares around the boxes... but MAN it was a pain in the butt. My least favorite part of quilting is trying to shove half the blanket through the neck of the sewing machine while quilting it.... this one was brutal, every time I had to change directions the better part of the quilt had to get rolled up to go through the machine. The results are disappointing for the amount of work that went into it. It clearly needs more quilting - just to hold it all together, but there's no way I'm doing more squares.

I'm also not thrilled with the embroidery... again, it needs more. I mean... it's a nice touch, I don't think this part is ugly... but it didn't come out quite as well as I'd hoped.


I'm going to treat this quilt as a learning experience. For me at least I need to have a quilt in mind before buying the fabric. As much as I love some of the fabrics, they never really told me what they wanted to be. Or maybe they were trying to tell me something and I just couldn't hear it. It's also possible that I just needed to let them all sit and stew a lot longer. But I'm an impatient quilter. I want the finished quilt NOW. The other thing I've learned is that long straight lines are much easier to quilt than trying to do smaller, unconnected shapes.

I'm glad it's done. It's a good size, it's nice and warm. It'll do just fine. I'm eager to start making myself quilts I really love though.

Home sweet... uh...

I'm all moved in to my new apartment. There's no subtle way to say it... the place is ugly, like *spectacularly* ugly. But it's within my budget, in an awesome part of town, and didn't take too long to find. Considering I've been traveling / freeloading since OCTOBER* I was just not willing to spend a lot of time looking for something better.

I have a couple decorating ideas... and would love to get ideas from everyone else - so just consider these the 'before' shots.

Here's the living room. Items of note - mottled brown carpet , and shag-o-riffic fake fireplace. Can't take it down because the bottom part is actually the heater for the room. But I at least got rid of the plastic log.

(Mrs. J shown for scale. ;) Thanks for helping me move!!!)



The entryway of many portals:I really don't like that I need to close the front door before I can open the hall closet door, but I"m getting used to it.

That 70s kitchen:
Mustard yellow appliances that are quite possibly older than I am. It's impressive really that they're still working. In fact my landlord said that the only way they'll get replaced is if they stop working. So if you have any ideas..... ;)


The bathroom has a case of multiple personality disorder I think. There's pale pink tile in the shower... the floor is an off white linoleum, and around the sink is a grey/blue "marble". It's big though, which is nice. Considering my bathroom in Thailand had a resident bird's nest & occasional cockroach invasions... this will be a huge improvement.



There's a linen closet next to the bathroom which may end up being my craft closet... not sure yet. There's no shortage of closet space here which is nice. In fact there are two closets in the bedroom.

Not quite sure why one has a mirror and the other doesn't... perhaps another case of split-personality. You'll note that the carpet stays true through the whole place.... well that's comforting I guess. ;)

And in case anyone was wondering... this picture represents about 1/3 of my personal possessions. I had some crafty stuff stored at Castle5000 and some clothes, books & sentimental stuff at another friend's house.

You'll note... NO furniture... nope, none. That situation is slowly but surely getting sorted out with the help of some very generous friends and my credit card. I'm not thrilled about the fact that I'm back in debt after working so hard to be debt free. But I'm just not willing to sleep on the floor for the next six months.




*I've stayed in approximately 18 different places (more if you count spending the night on buses/trains/planes) since moving out of my apartment in Rayong. I am about ready to BURN my luggage, but I can't until I get myself a dresser. =(

The Job Hunt

I've been back in the states for a solid month now... in Portland for a bit over two weeks. I haven't experienced too much 'reverse culture shock'. Mostly things seem comfortable and normal. While I was in Thailand it really felt like I'd been there over a year, but when I got back to Portland it felt as though I'd only been gone a little while. So at times I am shocked to see things that have changed. One of the grocery stores I used to frequent has gone upscale and I nearly made myself dizzy trying to place the old blue-print of the shop over the new design. It's been really great to meet up with friends again though.

The main thing occupying my time right now is looking for a job. I've signed up with (or tried to sign up with) about 4 different temp agencies, and as of this morning I've applied for 48 jobs. I'm pretty sure that's about four times more jobs than I've ever applied for in my life. Writing cover letters is killing me. It's tough to walk the line between confidence and arrogance when stating my skills (especially when I don't feel particularly confident in the first place)... and trying to manufacture enthusiasm for an admin job is no easy task. "Data entry thrills me to my soul and keeping files organized is my raison d'etre."

While I'd love to find a job with some kind of adult-education/training component there's not a lot of that out there so I've been applying for more general administrative or accounting jobs. The whole situation is just terrifying. In the past I've always been able to find a temp job within a couple of weeks and twice those have turned into long term positions... but I haven't gotten anything from the temp agency yet.

My next big task will be 'networking'. Whenever I read about networking I want to crawl under a rock and die. It's just so totally against my nature to call up random people and go talk to them. The examples given in all those advice articles just kill me (one guy walked up to the CEO of a company while the guy was eating breakfast and started talking about his strategy for the company's future), and they all seemed far more geared towards sales or marketing positions than general office work. I just couldn't imagine myself calling up the chair of a University department to discuss the formatting of his most recent grant application. But this seems to be the way one taps into the 'hidden job market' so I need to work on that. Anyone particularly good at this who wants to give me some advice??

Well, that's my exciting & adventurous life right now. I'm knitting again, which is good... but I knit too much the past few days and my hand hurts... which is bad. Gotta ease into these things I guess. Someday, when I have a job, and an income, and can get my camera fixed, I will take pictures of this terribly exciting 1x1 ribbed scarf, but until then...

Ha Long Bay

Ha Long Bay is a world heritage sight and arguably one of the most beautiful places on earth. It would be difficult to fuck up a simple cruise out to the bay to see them. The tour group I chose managed to do so in an amazing number of ways.


I booked the tour at Sinh Cafe Travel one of the major travel agencies in Hanoi. I would recommend that you never step foot into the agency and certainly NEVER book a tour with them. Let me repeat... if you are in Vietnam DO NOT EVER BOOK ANYTHING WITH SINH CAFE TRAVEL!!! There were a number of different options offered - a two day one night cruise, a three day two night cruise and an open ended cruise which allowed you to stay on Cat Ba island for a while. There were also three levels of cruises, budget, luxury and superior. I went with the mid-level luxury hoping that I would get what I paid for... a slightly nicer boat and food. Gah... I was sooo mistaken, so very mistaken.


The travel agent told me I'd be picked up at 7:30am but my ride didn't arrive until nearly 8am leaving me waiting on the side of the road inhaling exhaust fumes and having my eardrums assaulted by the never ceasing honking of Hanoi. He drove me to a different branch of the travel agency and had me wait for the van that would pick us all up. Here I was told to leave one of my bags for safe-keeping because there wouldn't be room on the boat for too much luggage. Fine, okay, no problem.


Considering the travel agent had told me "There's already a group formed for tomorrow's cruise, so you can join them." I had assumed that the folks on the van were all on the same cruise. But no, once we got to the docks, the guide started dividing up people based on whether they were going on the one day or two day tour.... having to ask *us* which packaged we'd chosen because he didn't have a clue.


THEN HE WENT TO BUY TICKETS TO THE BAY!!!!! Somehow this ever so minor REQUIREMENT was something they decide to leave until everyone's at the dock ready to go. A group of four of us, an English couple, a 40 something Swedish man, and I were left sitting around for the better part of an hour while our guide got the tickets and sorted out the other groups. Fine fine fine... I've been in Asia long enough to be used to waiting around for things. I had a book - no problem.


Finally the four of us board a boat - which is not entirely dissimilar to the boat in the advertisement except that rather than it being "a new boat" as we were all told, it was at least a decade old and not at all well maintained. The varnish was completely gone from the stairs & banister and the floor threatened splinters and upturned nails to those who neglected to wear their flip flops the whole time.


We joined a group already in progress - four retirees from America. They'd been on the three day, two night cruise, and on day two of their cruise rather than say... cruising around the bay, they were brought back to the harbor made to wait for an hour or two then rapidly made to switch boats when a large group of Japanese tourists showed up. Way to treat a person like a valued customer! =(


The bay itself was gorgeous, amazing, beautiful, etc... and I wish I had the pictures to show you... but honestly even the amazing beauty of the surroundings were overshadowed by the incompetence of the tour organizers.


The first stop was a cave, and since the retirees had visited the cave the day before they were made to wait in the boat while the new group of us went and spelunked for a while. It was actually quite cool, all lit up with colored lights and satisfyingly spooky. Were it not for our tour guide's insistence on absolutely butchering the English language while retelling several legends about the dragons of the cave, I might have enjoyed it.


"The pissermen were pissing in the bay." "Pissing???" "Yeah, yeah... the pissermen, you know catching pish." "Oh FISHERMEN?" "Yeah, yeah, pissermen. The pissermen." and on and on. I was basically the only one who could understand him and occasionally had to translate to the others in our group when they couldn't make heads or tails of what he was saying. To make up for his poor English he made sure to repeat each sentence about five times to make sure we all understood him. Now, I'm more than willing to listen to a student struggling with his pronunciation but if I'm paying for an English guide, it would be nice if he actually spoke English, or at least didn't pretend he could and let us wander around in peace. Finally he did leave us to explore another cave on our own if we wanted to. I wasn't in the mood for more climbing so I sat on a bench to wait for them, the Swedish guy got himself a beer and we sat and chatted for a bit.


Back on the boat I went up to the top deck to chat with the retirees. As we were pulling away from the docks I noticed that the young couple I'd been chatting with were on the boat beside us. "Are you supposed to be on that boat?" I asked them. "Yeah, the guide told us we had to switch to this boat for the rest of the tour." Um... ok... bye. The retirees told us (the Swedish guy and I) that the same thing had happened to them the day before, they'd been with one group and those folks left in the evening only to be replaced with us in the morning. And sure enough, down in the dining area there was a new, even younger couple from New Zealand waiting to join our group.



Up till this point we'd not been allowed into our cabins, despite having asked to see the rooms & put our stuff away. But now that we were well out to sea, the guide started handing out room keys. He handed a key to one of the retirees and said "This is for you and... " and pointed to the woman's husband. She joked with him "But I wanted to stay with my boyfriend!" And the guide joked that he'd see if he could find someone for her. He handed the other keys to the other couples and then he handed me mine. "This is for your room with him." he said motioning to the Swedish man (who was on his third beer by my count.) At first I thought the guide was joking... but he was serious.


"No." I said firmly. "We're not together... only one person." To this he laughed in my face and said "Yes, yes, together." "That's not okay." I replied.... "Yes, you booked a shared room" was his answer. Now... I had, in the travel agency, asked for a single room saying that I would pay the extra $10 since I was alone... but the woman told me "No, no, sharing is better." and I consented. Never EVER would it have occurred to me that I would have to specify that I was okay sharing a room with another WOMAN, but not a man I didn't know.


I didn't want to make a scene, nor to offend the Swedish guy who by all accounts was a decent guy, so I decided to suck it up. But for the love of Pete! In which country is it okay to assign a single woman to room with a man she'd never met????



The sudden forced intimacy of being roommates DRAMATICALLY changed my feelings towards the Swedish guy. Before we were joking around and almost flirting... but that was when I thought I'd be going to my own room at the end of the night. I didn't want there to be any confusion about the fact that we were JUST roommates. I decided to spend the rest of the evening chatting with the retirees, reading my book, and staying STONE COLD SOBER. The Swedish guy, on the other hand had switched from beer to whiskey and offered me one. I politely declined.


Back up on the deck and preparing for a nice mellow night under the stars I saw (and heard) another boat pulling up beside us. It was a group of completely plastered 20 somethings - mostly Canadian but with an Irish lassy leading the charge. They were hollering hello and shouting greetings to the retirees on the deck below. One of the guys actually climbed from their top deck to ours and announced "You're being invaded!"


Surely not. No... absolutely not, they are clearly mistaken.


Oh no... apparently these were the folks who'd been cruising with the retirees the day before, back to rejoin their original group. Are you keeping track? Personally I'd had enough of this giant game of musical tour groups and as soon as dinner was over I went to my .... sorry OUR room to read for the rest of the evening. I was in bed, covers up to my neck and book in hand when my roommate came in to unpack his stuff. He kept up a steady stream of conversation despite my attention being clearly focused on my book... and at one point said something like "I was surprised you were arguing with the guy about sharing a room with me - I thought - what kind of guy does she think I am?" He'd mentioned earlier that he had a daughter, so I asked him "Would you let your daughter share a room with a man she'd never met before?" before I'd even finished my question he was saying "Hell NO!" He assured me I was safe with him.... and then offered me some whiskey before pouring more of it into his beer can. "Um... no thank you."


I actually did sleep relatively well, waking only when my roommate came in to go to bed and then when our alarms went off in the morning. Rather than getting to sleep in we were instructed that breakfast would be at 7am and if we missed it, too bad, there would be no more food until lunch time back in the harbor. Tell me can you feel the love?



Day two was more of the same, we paid extra money to get into a tiny boat to see a particularly interesting karsts and to go swimming inside it. But once in the tiny boat we weren't allowed to go swimming and in fact spent all of five minutes exploring it before getting back on the boat. Shortly after this excursion both the Swedish guy and the retirees boarded yet a different boat and I was left with the New Zealand couple and the pirates I had not spoken one word to the night before.


We headed back to the harbor on exactly the same route we'd taken to get out there, seeing the exact same sights we'd seen on day one... only this time much slower. Back at the docks we had to wait for a good hour before a bus came to take us to lunch. Then after lunch we had to wait again to get on a different bus back to Hanoi. It was all of 24 hours after my tour had started and I was the ONLY person left from the original group.



As we got into the city, the tour guide asked us where we'd each been staying so he could drop us off. I told him I wasn't going back to my friend's house (where I'd been picked up), that I needed to go back to the travel agency where we'd started so that I could pick up my bag and get a ticket for the 6pm bus to Hoi An. The agent had originally said we'd be back to Hanoi by 4:30, but it was rapidly approaching 5pm and we weren't even at the center of town yet.



At one stop near the lake he let off a couple in front of their guest house and then motioned for me to get off the bus too. I reiterated that I needed to be dropped off at the travel agency where we'd started.


"It's over there." he said pointing across the intersection and motioning that it was just down the street.
"Where??"
"Just there" he pointed again and I saw what looked like a travel agency.
"Can I have my receipt so I can get my bag back?"
"No - gave it to the company already."
"Um... ok, but how will they know it's me?"
He jotted a number down on my hand and hurried me on my way. I wandered off to attempt suicide by way of crossing the two streets.


I walked into the Sing Cafe Travel agency - I didn't think it was the same one I'd been to before - but they all look the same. "I went on a tour of Ha Long Bay today - do you have my bag?" I asked.


The guy looked at me like I was crazy. Gah! It wasn't the same place. "This morning, I took a tour and I left my bags at the travel agency - is it here?"
"No." He said plainly, and clearly not particularly interested in my dilemma.


And then I flipped out. The tour guide was gone, I was in the middle of Hanoi, intending to catch a bus within the hour and had no idea where my bag was. I saw the couple from New Zealand walking down the street and caught up with them. They were as supportive as they could be, pointing me down a street that had the agency where they'd booked their tickets. I related my story to her and she was mildly sympathetic but not at all helpful.


"Where did you buy the ticket?" She asked.
"I'm not sure - they all look the same. Can't you call the other branches to see who has my bag??"
"There are hundreds."
I showed her the number that the guide had scribbled on my hand but it meant nothing to her. It didn't seem to matter that I was asking her point blank to help me. It wasn't her problem.


I stormed out of the shop and at this point I just lost it and wandered through the traffic, the honking and the vendors shoving things in my face "Buy something madam?" in tears. I could not take it anymore. Finally I found a familiar street and located the agency where I'd originally booked my tour. I was hysterical when I entered the shop but took a second to try to pull myself together enough to speak.


"What is the problem?!" One of the guys fairly shouted at me.
I relayed the situation as clearly as I could, mostly that I needed my bag back... but also that it had been a completely shit tour - the drunk Swedish man for a roommate, the constant changing of passengers, getting dropped off in the middle of Hanoi with nothing but a number scribbled on my hand to guide me. I was done, and it pissed me off that I couldn't even really let into them because I knew they didn't understand half of what I was saying anyway. Eventually the agent got on the phone with someone and seemed to have located my bag. "Don't worry." "No problem." they kept telling me (forget "I'm sorry" or "That's terrible." - those words apparently haven't made it into their vocabulary). "It IS a problem! This is NOT okay!!!" I told them.


Eventually the guy who'd picked me up the morning before showed up on a motorbike with my bag. I reamed him out (in slow basic English) and told him I wanted a refund for the tour because it was so crap. He put me on the back of his motorbike and we headed out - I thought back to the office to give me my refund. "We go back to your friend?" he asked. "NO!" (You fucking moron!!!) I shouted... and wanted to shout. I was done done DONE with Vietnam. I got off the motorbike, and headed back to the main tourist information office (not the shitty little shop-front agencies - the expensive one). I walked up to travel agent and asked for the first flight to Bangkok.


It was, unfortunately, too late to go anywhere that night, so I booked a room in a mid-range hotel nearby, and spent the in an air-conditioned room watching some old movie about a mummy. The next morning I got up at 6am to the soundtrack of Hanoi, honking horns, yelling vendors and an occasional rooster crow. But soon enough I was on a flight 'home' to Thailand.


I can't even tell you how relieved I was when I stepped out of the airport. There were tons of cars and taxis outside the airport.... and no one was honking. They were just stopping and going and ... more or less... staying in their lanes. On the bus ride to backpacker-ville (Khao San Road) I was amazed at how peaceful and orderly Bangkok traffic was, and how much cleaner the air seemed. It could have been Portland for the difference from Hanoi.


I considered staying in Bangkok for a night, but I realized that if I hustled, I could get down to Ko Phangan in time for the famous Full Moon Party. And so I did. I booked an overnight bus / boat combo ticket and spent the next 18 hours in transit.


Everything is fine now. Despite not having a reservation, I was able to find a nice fan room (at Bongo Bungalow) walking distance from the beach where the party will be. It's far enough away to be relatively quiet, and it was only 400 baht/night. It even has hot water & a flushing toilet. Paradise as far as I'm concerned. I got a nice long night's sleep, and ate breakfast while watching several episodes of The Simpsons in the restaurant. Yeah - it's tourist mecca, but I don't care. I'm done with adventuring and fully intend to spend my last week or so in Thailand parked on a beach with a frosty beverage in hand.


Speaking of which... it's nearly noon and I'm still sober. I will be rectifying that shortly. I don't intend to do anything interesting (well aside from the Full Moon Party).... and have no camera to share pictures, so if I don't post for a while... don't worry, I'm happy.

I hate everything!

Ok... as if I hadn't had a horrid enough time in Vietnam, somewhere in my promiscuous computer usage I picked up a virus on my camera's memory card. I tried to open it to upload some pictures and after trying several options to delete/repair/quarantine the offending file to no avail I managed to delete the entire card. I'm pissed because there wasn't even ONE window that popped up to say "Do you really want to wipe out your entire memory card?" and from everything I could see it looked like I was only deleting the offending file. My travels in two different countries completely wiped out GONE - with one (not even that retarded) mouse click. GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok... so you'll have to put up with my blathering without even pretty pictures of Ha Long Bay to break it up.

WTF was I thinking?

I've decided that there's nothing wrong with my life that the judicious application vitamin V won't cure (Vodka that is). Nevertheless, I have decided to go forth with more whining.

WTF was I thinking? Seriously folks... what was I thinking? Can anyone tell me why I thought I'd enjoy spending a YEAR abroad? And in fact, I don't have my plane ticket yet, but if I stick to my current plan, I will have spent a full 15 months abroad. Basically I left when I was 33, I'll be returning when I'm 35. WTF?

Half my (female) friends have either had babies or will have babies by the time I get back. I'm not talking one or two... at last count there will be something like EIGHT new babies in my various circles of friends when I get back. EIGHT!!! One friend started grad school, two got married and another one just got engaged. (edited to add... my point is not that I'm jealous or that I wish somehow I were doing this instead of being here.. my point is that my friends are having important life events and I'm missing them. I would have liked to have gone to the baby showers etc. Sorry I was totally unclear in my whining here. ;) )

While I absolutely needed to go abroad, and I wanted to go for long enough to really get a feel for a place... a year is seeming like a mighty long time. I think I hit my stride at about the 8-9 month mark...I was looking good, feeling good, drinking a LOT, basically having a good time of things. It's been dragging a bit since then... mostly because Bunny & Bobby are gone. They were replaced by two guys who don't seem the least bit interested in making friends with anyone. One is a fairly young American guy who's basically lived in Thailand since he graduated from college. He's quite settled, speaks Thai fluently and is barely cordial. He comes in five minutes before his class, grabs his folder and off he goes. The other new teacher is a middle aged German guy whose conversation skills leave quite a bit to be desired. He seems nice enough but I get the impression that he's one of the guys who came to Thailand because he couldn't get laid in his homeland.

With such an unsatisfactory potential social circle, things have gotten fairly boring. As one office gal's boyfriend so aptly put it when the girls first left "You're sad. You have no friends."

I know if I really needed to, I could break my contract and just leave... but I don't really have anything specific waiting for me in Portland so it's not like there's any real rush for me to return either. I'll stick it out. I'm just going to need a lot more vodka.


TAG: Code Fish Sauce

Not my best day ever...(receptive skills task - reading)

Engagement - "Think about a bad day you've had. What happened? In groups" (gesture 2 together, 2 together) "talk about a bad day."

Global task - "Read this" (gesture towards blog post) "and circle the topics you see." (motion circling on hand out.... hand out sheets to class.)

Topics: Sports - Food - Family - Digestive issues - Politics - Clothing - Offensive gestures


Instruction check - "Is this a speaking task, or a reading task?" (elicit 'reading task')

Presentation:

It started out poorly, brightened up for a minute, then got worse, and even worse from there, but now I'm home... eating... and feeling at least for the moment, better. First off, I didn't sleep that well last night - I was up entirely too late, for moderately productive reasons - and then got up a bit too late for a proper breakfast. I've been trying to keep food in my room, but really didn't have anything appetizing. All I wanted was a bagel... unfortunately, Thailand is not known for it's baked goods. I knew I needed to eat something, but I peeked into the mini-mart in my residence and nothing looked good. I didn't think I had time for a sit down breakfast so I headed towards school.

The songtaew driver completely misunderstood my directions (my fault of course since I don't speak Thai) got us all going in the wrong direction...when he stopped I had no idea where we were and had to get out my map to show him where I'd wanted to go. All kinds of awkward, I felt bad for not communicating better (must learn Thai!!!), and I'm sure he felt lame for taking me to the wrong place (really it's just a straight shot from my place to school... not complicated). Anyway, I got to school and thought I would at least see my fruit man and get something in my stomach before class. No such luck... his stall wasn't set up yet.

No problem, there's a little coffee shop near the school so I stopped in for a Chai Yen - Thai Iced Tea. I figured there would be enough calories in that to at least get me started.


I was wrong.


So.Very.Wrong.


I get into class and start feeling a bit not-good. So I ran to the bathroom - Chai Yen went right through me (sorry for the TMI). Back to class, back to not feeling so great, back to the bathroom. Back to class again and we're talking about grammar - a really really important lesson for me, we were looking at all the possible tenses and example sentences for each. We were in groups putting slips of paper in order on a board. I was standing there and just not feeling quite right.


One of the example sentences was "I think I'm going to faint." (Future with "going to": usage - to make a prediction where there is some evidence from the senses in the present that the action/event will happen.) and after debating the tense for a minute I was like "I actually think I'm going to faint." And icky-stupid-cootie-boys in my group just kept going. I sat down and started fanning myself. I was not feeling better. "I think I need to lie down." Wonderful-only other woman in the class, who also happens to be a nurse-Sheila looked at me and asked "Are you okay? Do you need some air?" At which point I really started to lose it, I didn't know what I wanted or needed, I just felt like I was going to cry. "Let's go outside for a minute." she continued.


I went out in the back and lay down on the dirty gross tile out in the back courtyard. I just lay there for a couple of minutes trying not to just break down into hysterics... while Sheila told me to breathe, then got me some (filtered) water and a cookie. I sat up & ate the cookie, Sheila gave me some candy too and eventually I started feeling a bit better so went back to class where the icky-stupid-cootie-boys had naturally just continued the lesson without us. I know that that's the only thing you can do in that kind of situation (the class must go on) but I can't pretend I wasn't hurt that I didn't get so much as a "feeling better?" when I re-entered the class. Gradually I felt at least physically better and on our first real break of the day I went and got some "coconut butter crackers" (seriously the blandest thing I could find) & bottled water at the 7/11.


By lunch time I was feeling better and got a good lunch in me (not what I thought I ordered - but good nonetheless). Blood-sugar was rebalanced, hydration was restored and mood improved. And when I came back into the school after lunch one of the office ladies asked me if I was okay - she said she heard I'd been sick and was all concerned, patting my arm in a very reassuring & motherly way. I told her that I was fine, I'd eaten and I felt good now. So that made me feel better and not so much like no one would've cared if I'd just died there on the floor.


Mood improved further when I got some very good news in an email! Except that, in sharing that good news I promptly 1. made an extremely rude (in Thailand) hand gesture to all of the women in the front office and 2. brought up a very sensitive & painful topic for someone else. Although neither offense was intentional, I ended up feeling really bad about both. Onward - time for teaching practice!


I didn't teach today, and had put in a fair amount of effort towards my lesson plan last night so I was feeling okay about things when I handed in my lesson plan to my instructor. But for some reason my instructor and I have massive communication problems. It's a style thing. When he is just presenting information, I find him very clear and knowledgeable. I just take notes and absorb. That part is fine.


But then he says "If you have any questions - just ask me." and when I do try to ask him a question, he answers by asking me a question back. I understand why he does it but it's extremely difficult for me to deal with. It makes me not want to ask him questions because I know I'm just going to have to figure it out myself. So I ask my first question and he answers with a question - no problem because in answering that I do come up with the actual answer to my question. But then he makes a reply to the effect of "see how that works" which I took as a response to what I had figured out, and reply "oh - so that's not good?" but no... he wasn't replying to me, he was making an aside to the rest of the group - meta analysis of my question/question as an answer session with him and how it works as a teaching tool. Does your brain want to explode now??? Mine did!


So we sort that out and I move on to question number 2, but as I'm asking it, I know that he's not going to give me an answer so I start trying to work it out for myself. In the process of speaking, my sentence changes from a question to a statement. "You haven't asked me a question yet." my instructor replies and I want to scream because I'm not asking him questions because I know he won't answer them. Here's some meta-analysis for you, what's the communicative function of asking a question????? To get an answer! If you know you're not going to get an answer - why the hell would you ask the question????? My final question / concern is about my last activity on the lesson plan, what to ask the students in feed-back. He gives a suggestion, "What would you change about where you live?" but it uses a structure we haven't dealt with yet so I need to reframe it in the appropriate language. I start working it out and say "What do you like about where you live? What don't you like?" to which my instructor responds "That's not a question."


Rebel's brain completely short circuits - fizzy-popping sounds emit from ears.


I don't know that much about grammar, tenses confuse the heck out of me, I missed most of our grammar lesson lying passed out in the back courtyard. But I know, I *know* that "What don't you like?" is a question, it may not be the best question to use in feedback with the students, it might be using the wrong grammatical structure for my level of students, but I know that it is in fact a question. I stare confused at him for several seconds... I blink a few times. I'm totally lost, and he repeats what he'd said at the beginning "Ask me any questions and I'll try to help you out." Which clues me in - his "That wasn't a question." meant not " 'What don't you like?' isn't a question" but rather " 'What don't you like?' isn't a question to me your instructor about the lesson plan - so why are you saying it out loud?"


ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


I wanted desperately to bolt from the room to go cry someplace. Instead I tried to calmly and politely state that his suggestion was helpful but I was just trying to verbally work out the language so I could hear it, then write it down so I wouldn't forget. I had more questions about my lesson plan but hell if I was going to ask them at that point.


Instructor's presentation of material - to standard
Instructor's rapport with students - not to standard
Instructor's overall shit-headed-ness - above standard


I wanted very much to go out for a beer with the guys after class. Even if they are icky-stupid-cootie boys... at least they're good for a laugh and we could all bitch about class together. But no, they didn't want to stop for a beer. They wanted to get trashed and more than likely pick up on Thai girls. I was not invited.


I hopped into a songthaew and hoped for the best (two crappy rides in as many days had me in doubt of ever getting home). I really really really wanted to just break down and cry right there, it was all just too much today. But there were already two Thai girls on the songthaew and crying would mean losing face. I wouldn't mind losing face - it doesn't mean anything to me, except that the appropriate Thai response to seeing someone cry would be to point and laugh, trying to spare me the embarrassment of losing face - and I just couldn't take that so I sucked it up. Jai Yen


And I was really hungry again so I couldn't even go home - I had to get some food. I do like the fact that Thai portions are more normal sized and I'll probably lose a bit of weight while I'm here... but it means that if I don't snack or don't pay close attention to meal times, I end up starving by the end of the day. So I just went to the supermarket to get some dinner & do some grocery shopping. Dinner was good... but again, small. So I picked up some bread, ham and a really special treat - cheese - for dinner. I almost didn't get the cheese, because it was so expensive, but given how crappy of a day I'd had I indulged.

Your eyes do not deceive you... that's exactly 4 slices of gouda cheese. Like, about as much as I could easily down in one sitting with a couple of crackers & a nice glass of pinot gris (mmm... I soooo need some wine). It cost 125 baht - or about $4 US. In comparison, my lunch today cost 30 baht, and dinner 40 baht (a full western breakfast cost about 100 baht). So each of those slices cost about as much as a full meal. DANG! I still have money in the bank, but I'm trying very hard to start living on a realistic Thai budget.

It was worth it though, I got home and made a second dinner of a proper ham & cheese sandwich and am actually full for the first time in several days. I'm also freshly showered and in my PJs so, aside from the piles and piles of work I need to do tonight (clean up my lesson plan, do my mid-course self evaluation & start on assignment #2), I'm feeling ok. Not great, but at least like I'm not going to faint, or offend anyone, or lose face if I cry. Ugh. Not my best day ever.



Pair-check: "Now check your answers with your partner" (indicate topic list) "did you circle the same topics?"


Feedback - Write on white board 'Food, Digestive issues, Offsenive gestures' "Did everyone circle these answers?" (yes, or review) "Great job everyone! See you all tomorrow!"



Leave constructive criticism or lexical analysis in the comments section.

Self induced chaos

Ok... I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to be productive, but frankly I'm freaking out right now.

I've got the to-do list with about 60 different tasks on it... and I'm slowly but surely moving things into the "completed" column (went downtown and got my visa yesterday)... but I'm already 8 tasks behind. My apartment is a disaster area and rather than channeling my moments of panic into actually accomplishing anything...I just get really freaked out and go watch the silly dancing guy on You Tube.... for like... an hour!

I live in a small apartment, so you might not think I have that much stuff... but I do.

Be afraid... very afraid!

There's a part of me that just wants to get rid of absolutely everything that doesn't have extreme sentimental value... because, really it's all just stuff. But on the other hand, if I come back to Portland within the next 5 years, I'm going to need stuff again. Am I going to wish I'd stored more of my stuff?

Why do I own so much clothing??? Why is none of it suitable for teaching in Thailand?

One 'productive' thing I did the other day was to go shopping for a teacher-appropriate wardrobe. From what I've read online, women need to wear skirts & dresses to work... and despite the heat, we need to keep our shoulders covered. Considering my current work wardrobe consists of two nice (read very warm) suit type outfits , a dozen pairs of corduroys and about a million sweater sets...and considering the unlikeliness of finding plus sized farang clothes in Thailand, I really did need to go buy an appropriate wardrobe.

Do you sense a theme? (I bought the green outfit for when I feel home-sick.)

I'm pretty happy with what I got, and I actually managed to buy two dresses, five skirts, eight tops, and a pair of shoes, all for under $350. Yay outlet mall! That should keep me well dressed for the next couple of years. But while the outfits look really cute now... I anticipate sweating like a pig in all of them.

And somehow I have to fit all of that plus whatever else I anticipate needing in this set of luggage.

The carry on & smaller suitcase are already full.

Oh...and have I mentioned that the 'service engine' light in my car came on the other day? I'm totally ignoring it. That poor car has been wanting to die for the past year and I keep thinking "it just has to hang on until I leave"... and really, it just needs to keep working for like a couple more weeks. Just a few more weeks!

Oh, and remember how I kept working for another two weeks so that I would have health insurance for the month of June - well, I just got the EOB for some services I availed myself of knowing that I would be covered. They've all been denied! WTF? I'm hoping it's just a mistake, but I really don't want to be dealing with the insurance company right now.

Ok... no more freaking out. Today's goal is to clean out my clothes closet... and then to head over to the temp agency to see if I can get a short term assignment. I still have savings, but recently found out that what I have in the bank at this moment is the minimum they recommend I have when I arrive... and I've got a few more expenses to cover before I leave (like, you know living!). But like I said... no more freaking out. It's all going to work out.... somehow.

Solar Power

I'm solar powered. There's no other way to explain it. The cold, grey, drizzly weather kills my motivation to do anything other than lay on the couch under a quilt with an over sized cat on my stomach. I remember a day in June, several years ago actually. I was working outside and the weather was miserable... well, not so much miserable as typical - grey, cold, damp Oregon weather. I was grumbling and complaining, I hated everything. As we were walking, the clouds parted and the sun came out, it warmed up a bit and before I knew it I was chipper again - literally skipping through the lawn singing. Solar powered I tell you.

This is perhaps the best explanation (excuse?) for why I did absolutely nothing productive this weekend. I had a big long to-do list planned out, it involved finishing up a CELTA application, studying some Thai, and cleaning out a couple of my closets. What I actually did on Saturday was spend about an hour on my application and hung out reading "Culture Shock! Thailand" on Council Crest - making the most of the 'sun breaks' and wishing I'd brought a warmer sweater. Sunday however, started out cold and rainy and never got much better. I barely made it off the couch. I knit a couple rounds on pink socks #2, and sewed borders onto a secret quilt top.

I probably spent about 10 (20? 30? one loses count) hours playing Tetris Worlds this weekend. And I still haven't beaten level 15 of Fusion Tetris... I've gotten close, but I always run out of time. Somehow I feel like if I can just beat this level, I'll be able to move on. As any addict will tell you - just one more game.

The good news is, it's supposed to get sunny... well, "partly sunny" here, so I might actually get a bit more work done. Wednesday will be my last day of work. I'm giving myself the month of June off. Well, I need to finish up my CELTA applications (at least two more after the one I'm working on), and continue reading up on Thailand, teaching, grammar etc.... but beyond that I'm not going to look for paid employment until I've gone through what I have in my checking account (well, plus my last paycheck & vacation pay). When I start dipping into my savings I'll start looking for some part time work. And when that runs out... if I'm still here... expect a plaintive knock at your door.

Just when I thought I was out...

they pull me back in.

Ok... Mae West reportedly stated that she could resist anything but temptation. Here at Chez Rebel, I can resist anything except a well reasoned, fiscally responsible, slightly maternal appeal to my ISTJ side. Ugh.

So I handed in my notice on Thursday, my last day would be May 21st. It's true that the final act of writing up my letter of resignation was done in haste and without a real plan as to how I would move on... but it was not a rash decision. I've been wanting out of this job for a long time, and I've been trying to get out for a long time - a LOOOONG time. I don't know why it takes me so long to do things. Some people just pick up and go. I was going through an old notebook and found some career-brainstorming I'd done back in October of 2006 and jotted right there on the page were the words "Teach English Abroad." WHY AM I STILL HERE??? Because I took it slow trying to figure out the best way to do that... trying pay down debt and save up vacation time, then trying to save up a little more money and a little more vacation time, then you know... getting the rug pulled out from under me with this stupid non-existing class. So with one thing and another two months here, two months there...one stressful work deadline flowing into the next stressful work deadline ... October 2006 turns into May 2008 and I'm fed up, farther past my breaking point than I knew existed, and I give my 2 weeks notice. Finally!! Counting down the days... the hours, I am.

My boss called me into her office on Monday to 'chat'.
How are you feeling about your decision?
- Fine... it's time for me to go. (In truth, I'm terrified, I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't think I have enough money, I'm scared that as soon as my health insurance runs out I'm going to get cancer but I'm even more afraid that if I don't get out of here now I don't think I'm ever going to get out.)

Then the big boss called me into his office to 'chat'.
So what are you planning on doing?
- I need to get focused on leaving, I need to start learning the language and getting myself ready to leave the country. (Honestly, I have no idea what I'm going to do... I hope to god I can get a part time job to cover at least some of my expenses so that I still have my savings to pay for the course I want to take and yet allow me enough mental breathing space to actually prepare for the course & my eventual, hopeful move abroad.)

Is there anything you want to tell me about the office before you leave?
-No... there have been good points and bad, but it's time for me to move on. (I think half the Ph.D.s in the office are overpaid spoiled brats who have absolutely no perspective on life beyond their research and barely see me as a human being let alone an intelligent person with a life outside the office and dreams beyond continuing devoted service to their projects.)


So today, I am just barely hanging on... inside I'm freaking out at near maximum, equally scared to leave and scared not to leave, but putting on the calm face and bravely voicing my ambitions for my future. But it's just one.more.week. Get through tomorrow and Friday, then it's the weekend, then two days of last minute details and a last day of good byes. I can almost handle this.... I can almost make it.


My boss called me into her office again this afternoon.

So what are your plans?
-I'm going to start getting focused on leaving, I'll be having lunch with a woman from Thailand tomorrow, and I've emailed an acquaintance who's living there now. I'm starting to try to learn the language, and I'm going to do some prep work for the course I want to take. I'll probably pick up a part time, low-stress job for a while, but first I need to take a break.

Have you thought about a position here in another department?
-No... I really need to break away, it's a little too comfortable here... I really need a break so I can focus my energies on what I really want to be doing - I don't think I can do that here. The cocoon is too small.. time to move on.

You know, if you work part time you can get full benefits here.
-I'm not really worried about that... I just want to make a clean break. (I'm terrified of losing my benefits - but I really really really need to get out.)

I know you've made your decision and you're ready to go, but if you decide to get another job here within 30 days you can get reinstated with your sick leave, your benefits, and your retirement level.
-I'll think about it... but I'm just ready to go.(Stop tempting me with all the things that have made me stay at this job 3 years too long!)

I know, I sound just like my dad when I was your age, telling me that health insurance is so important, but if you stayed just two extra weeks, you would be covered for all of June. I'm sure that would reduce some of your stress.
-I appreciate it, really I do. But that's not the biggest source of my stress. (But it's mighty tempting... one extra paycheck could make a big difference... plus an extra half-day of vacation pay out on top of it... and an extra month of insurance could mean one more check-up with a doctor who speaks fluent English....)

Well, think about it, it would only be until June 4.
-I'll think about it. (there's an extra paid holiday in there too isn't there?)



ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want out... I just want to not work there anymore. But the reality is I don't think I'll have enough money to support myself until such time as I'm employed in the job I really want. I know no temp job or part time job will pay half as well as what I'm currently getting paid. And an extra month of insurance for just a few extra days of work... that'll save me the cost of individual coverage for a month. Plus I can save face by saying my boss begged me to stay on longer.


I can change the end date on your termination paperwork to June 4th really easily.
-You realize that's the next big stressful deadline.

I really wasn't thinking about that at all.
-But I was... and that's the problem.

Plan B

I kinda wish I had one. The class was canceled.

After sending in my check & application, confirming I had a spot in the class, requesting a 4 week leave of absence, spending two weeks training my replacements, the past few weeks working to get all my ducks in a row so that I could devote all four weeks to learning new stuff, I get down to the school and the receptionist tells me "We canceled the class - didn't you get the message I left on Friday?" ON FRIDAY???? No I didn't get the message! (I've double checked my answering machine at home and my 'missed calls' on my cell phone - there was no message).

So I don't know what kind of Mickey-mouse thing is going on here. If there was a genuine once-in-a-blue moon crisis (they said the students we would have practiced teaching on didn't get their visas approved), or if this whole thing is just a mickey-mouse kind of operation. No idea. I'd originally planned to take this course in February, but that plan fell through, when I'd sat down with the director for my interview she said there was a chance it wouldn't happen due to something or other and convinced me to sign up for the April course - because that one would happen for certain. :/ All I know is that my plans are now completely shot and I have no idea what I'm going to do now... go back to work and hope that the June class actually happens?

I really really really REALLY don't want to go back to my day job. I hate that job with a passionate fury and the only thing that's kept me going is that I was planning to take this class so I could do something new. I made that decision back in November, but first I wasn't quite ready, then the last class fell through, now this. I can't even handle the thought of calling my boss up and telling her what happened. I mean, we've sent out department wide emails about my leaving for a month, I've change my out of office message on my voice mail & email. For weeks I've been training my back ups, explaining to people that I'd be leaving. I just can't deal with telling all of them "Just kidding! I'm back.... indefinately"

I hate everything today.

If you're going to have a horrible accident

have it as close to the ER as possible!

There was a serious bike accident at work today, and my coworker proved himself a bit of a hero (IMHO anyway).

Coworker was walking down to a meeting and came upon this scene:

There was a car coming up the hill, and a biker going down the hill. It's a steep hill so it's easy to pick up a LOT of speed... I don't know how fast he was going, but I've driven behind bikers going at least 25mph before. Anyway, he's going down hill and the car starts to turn left, but apparently the driver sees the biker and decides not to turn - witnesses say she just barely had her bumper in the other lane. But in the seconds of hesitation the biker starts to swerve to go around her, then decides to go straight when she stops - but over corrects & loses control. There's a lot of screaming and then SMACK he hits the road.

Coworker runs up to the guy and when he gets there the biker is non-responsive and bleeding... his face all messed up. Fortunately coworker has experience as an EMT and is currently taking pre-reqs to get into Nursing school. So he takes the guy's pulse, does first responder stuff, then runs the half block to the ER to get help. There were other folks (no doubt doctors & nurses) who looked after him. The ER team come out and did their thing - put a brace on his neck, put him on a board and onto a gurney to roll him down to the ER.

The whole time the poor woman in the car is seriously upset - people who half-saw what had happened were saying "Oh there's the car that hit him" which of course is not what happened. Fortunately there were actual witnesses who saw what happened, and they talked to the Police. Actually another two coworkers saw the aftermath, so it was quite the topic of conversation today.

Unfortunately due to privacy concerns we weren't able to find out anything else about his condition after he went into the ER. Hopefully there will be an update on the news. But man! I can only hope that if I'm ever in a serious accident it happens within 50 yards of an ER with an EMT and a few doctors wandering around!

Waaaaa waaaa waaa

Warning: Whining ahead... and some TMI.


I'm siiiiiiiiick. And I know I brought it on myself because a few weeks ago all my coworkers got sick and I had to cover from them, and I was really jealous and kinda hoped I would get sick so I could stay home too. So you know... I had it coming.

Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat, and when I got to work I started feeling really crappy. But I always feel crappy at work. I went and lay down at lunch time, but still felt crappy. Then I felt nauseous... so I knew I was really sick and went home. I made it as far as my mailbox before puking. Fun!

So now I'm home. Mostly sleeping. I made one outing to the store to pick up some Ginger Ale, chicken noodle cup-a-soup, and of course... seasons 1 & 2 of The Office. That *almost* makes up for all the hurting. My head hurts, my ears hurt, my throat hurts, my whole body hurts. I hurt too much to knit or quilt. Almost too much to eat (cup-a-soup goes down pretty easy). I did manage to do my taxes though... then I took a 2 hour nap. Then I woke up and relocated to the couch for the rest of the afternoon.

Now I know what it's like to be Sally.

February Sucks Ass

you were probably all thinking it... I'm just going to come out and say it!

- Someone I "knew" online died from a crappy disease. I didn't know her well (even in online terms) but I knew she had two small children, and mothers with little babies just should not die from crappy diseases... it just shouldn't be allowed!

- Other people I know have had crap hands dealt to them recently - in one case not getting a (well deserved!!) promotion, and in another dealing with family stuff that is just shitty & unfair.

- The weather's been gloomy & horrid all over... which is not in and of itself a reason to get cranky... but I think it adds to the overall suckitude of February.

And on a more personal note:

- Today I royally fucked up at work. ROYALLY! And it's completely, absolutely, inexcusibly, 100% my fault (well, maybe 99% my fault... but pretty much entirely my fault). I'm not going to go into details about what happened, but it was completely due to being a moron and will mostly likely result in a loss of $500,000. OUCH!! (as an aside I remember working as an accountant and not being able to balance my account... I'd be off by an annoying amount like $7.82 or $39.46 but I'd comfort myself by saying "screw it - I'd pay that much not to have to find it" I would find it eventually, but it made me feel better knowing that it wasn't *that* big of a deal.... this $500,000 is a pretty big deal)

- After work I really should have just gone to bed, but I figured I would go run some errands so I wouldn't feel like the day was a complete waste. I was going to treat myself to some genuinely evil fast food (criss-cut fries in ranch dressing... oh yeah), then go grocery shopping. Feeling rebelious I decided not to wear a coat (sometimes, I just get sick of wearing my big ol' winter coat). I figured I'd only have to walk from my car to Carls Jr. or from the car to the grocery store. Oh man did the universe have something else in store for me!

As I'm driving down the street my car's "your lights are on" bell starts dinging. I'm thinking WTF - I *know* my lights are on - it's dark out! So I turn my lights out and back on and the thing stops dinging. My first thought is that the dinger is broken because it rarely if *ever* actually successfully notifies me that I've left my lights on - which is why I have to carry jumper cables in my car. ANYWAY I stop at a light, start going again and the dinger starts dinging again. I'm looking at all the lights on my dash trying to figure out if there's an actual problem - but the 'check engine' light isn't on. The dinger stops... then starts again after another light. I'm getting pissed off when I finally realize the dial thingy is all the way on H which I assume means my car is "hot" although, honestly I have NO idea what that means. I also realize that I'm a few hundred miles overdue for an oil change and that my car is probably trying to notify me of this fact.

Fortunately there's a Jiffy Lube right there, so I pull in. And as the guy is coming up to my car I tell him "My car dial is on H and I think there's something wrong with it" and he doesn't even look at the car (which is now making very unhappy noises) "You should turn off your car right now! It sounds like you've blown a rod" - I didn't know my car *had* a rod! Anyway.... the guys at the Jiffy Lube tell me there's something bad about my car... terms like "head gasket" and "coolant" and "water line" are bandied about... the only part I understood was when they said "If you keep driving - your engine will blow up." I decided to believe them. They pushed my car over to the parking lot & gave me a recommendation for a mechanic. FUCK!!!

I *had* plans to go to breakfast tomorrow morning with the Hat Attack knitters... but it's not looking like that's going to happen now. Crap. =(

Since there was nothing more I could do, I just took the bus home. Remember how I oh so cavalierly decided to head out sans winter coat? Now I'm stuck with the prospect of waiting god knows how long for a bus out in the cold. Fortunately I had the good sense to dress warmly today anyway and I never leave the house in the winter without a wool hat.... so I didn't freeze to death or anything but still. I hate being cold.

So I stopped for some chinese food when I had to transfer busses downtown and check out what my fortune cookie says:

"You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire"... not "You are able to..." or even "You will be able to..." but "You should be able to..." As in... yeah you should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire, but you won't because you're too much of a moron to know how to read a calendar or take proper care of your car! Guilt trip from a fortune cookie - just what I needed. It's possible I'm reading a bit too much into the cookie... I do that.

Anyway. I'm now back at home. Sally is curled up at my feet and I realize that as crappy as today was, it's hardly the end of the world.

- My awesome boss did *not* fire me, even though I totally think she had every right to. In fact she didn't even yell, but launched into "how can we fix this, and how can we make sure this never happens again" mode, which is why she's the most awesome boss in the world.

- In addition to not being fired, today was payday and I know I'll be able to pay for whatever repairs are necessary to my car.

- The gods were kind and decided not to send freezing rain down on my unjacketed self... and it was actually not intollerably cold out.

- Trimet... for once *was* on time, so I didn't have to wait indefinately at the dark & unfamiliar bus stop. In fact, I feel fortunate to live someplace where the public transport (although FAR from perfect) is fairly adequate and even if I decide not to fix my car, I'll be able to get around well enough without it for a while.

- And I am most thankful that the Plaid Pantry across the street from my bus stop at home sells both alcohol and chocolate ice cream!

(although WTH kind of ice cream is "blue bunny"???? They used to have Ben & Jerry's!)

I still say February sucks ass.... but at least it's the shortest month.




And DUDE! My spell checker isn't working (duh... someone was talking about that in the blogosphere the other day) forgive allllll my misspellings. Count it towards the cumulative ass-suckingness of the month.