I know 2011 was a tough year for a lot of people, I know a number of people who experienced personal or professional losses. But personally it was a great year for me, a year of rebuilding and getting back on my feet.
I got a job, and recently a promotion. I got a nice big apartment in an awesome part of town. I went from owning nothing larger than would fit in some Rubbermaid bins to having a pretty comfortably furnished home. So materially at least, things are going well.
I'm also on a good path towards my master's degree, having taken two Spanish classes and signed up for a third. And I've started looking at different grad programs to apply for with an eye towards a career as an English teacher.
My creativity has improved this year too. I finished 9 quilts and started a handful more. So much for only working on one project at a time. ;) I also dipped my toe into the world of art-quilts and had a lot of fun making a few wall hangings. I haven't done quite as much knitting, but I did make a few hats. Oh, and I got to try glass-blowing for the first time ever. It was amazing, and I hope to do it again.
My personal life also experienced a bit of an upswing for a while. I was dating a someone for a good portion of the year, and although it hasn't worked out romantically... we're still friends. I call that a big win.
There were even a few travel related adventures this year. I spent a weekend in San Francisco visiting a friend, and generally enjoying the city. Then for the holidays I visited my family in Nashville for a week. Nothing exotic... but it's always nice to get out and about.
My time in Thailand was, obviously, a very significant event in my life... and in some ways it feels like I just got back. But I've now been back in the States for almost as long as I was gone. So I'm glad to look back and see that I have not been idle since returning. All in all, 2011 was a pretty fantastic year for me.
Showing posts with label not so deep thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label not so deep thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, August 16, 2009
20 Questions
I found this list of 20 Spiritual Questions on Brave New Traveler. I know that my own concepts of religion and spirituality have changed dramatically over the course of my life so far, and this is an interesting way of setting out what I believe right now. I really wish I'd done this in both HS and right after college, the comparisons would have been fascinating (to me). I would really like to see how other people answer the same questions, so if you do this questionnaire and want to share it - please post the link in the comments.
1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?
In Galapagos, Kurt Vonnegut blames our over-sized brains. I think he has a point. The Buddhists blame desire, and I think they have a point too.
I think ultimately humans are flawed creatures. We think too much, we want too much, when things don't go the way we think they should, or when we don't get what we want, we hurt.... and sometimes we hurt other people. Very few of us have mastered the concept of being content where we are with what we have. And I think this causes a lot of suffering.
2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
I think they are two paths trying to get at the same truth. You could say that one is an external search and one an internal search. I don't think they should be in competition or conflict. The truth that's out there is bigger than either science or religion alone can explain.
3. Why are so many people depressed?
I think different people are depressed for different reasons. For some people it can be a chemical imbalance related to other health problems. In other people it can be an inability to cope with what life has thrown at them, one reaction to trauma is just to shut down. Other people have just never learned how to be happy. In the US I think a lot of depression comes from a lack of authenticity, a lack of meaning and a lack of connection.
4. What are we all so afraid of?
Of pain, of suffering, of loneliness, of change, of someone someday finding out our deep dark secrets and laughing at them.
5. When is war justifiable?
Ooooooohhhh.... toughie! ONLY defensively, either in defense of one's own country or when a stronger power is attacking a weaker one - and the weaker one *asks* for help. And ONLY after all other diplomatic options have been attempted, and a thorough analysis of the costs of war are taken into a count.
I think we need to do a MUCH better job of proactively preventing war: US DEPARTMENT OF PEACE
6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
7. How does one obtain true peace?
One would have to remove oneself from human interaction - either physically hiding out in a cave somewhere, or mentally and emotionally avoiding any ties to other people. The question is...do you really want to obtain 'true peace'. I think part of being human, being alive is passion, emotion, connection, conflict, reconciliation, growth. I don't know that you can have those things and true peace at the same time.
8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
Feeling the cool creaminess of my cha yen and savoring every layer of flavor, listening to the rain pound down on the concrete, smelling the cigarette of the person smoking next door, watching the woman clean off her plate before assembling the next sandwich, noticing exactly how bright the shredded carrots are against the green of the lettuce, staring at the shih-tzu riding in the basket of the motorbike passing by.
9. What is our greatest distraction?
Everyone has their own favorite I think, entertainment, drugs/alcohol, sex, work, interpersonal drama. For whatever thing you think you *should* be focused on, there is an equal and opposite number of things to distract you from it.
10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
Which religion? For whom? I think some people have found religious experiences / commitments that enrich their lives without hurting other people... and for them, sure it's serving it's purpose. In general, as a benefit to the world at large... I think like all human endeavors it's a wash. There's some good and there's some bad.
11. What happens to you after you die?
I have no idea.
12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
Well, I was taught that heaven was eternal communion with God and other faithful souls. My image is pretty much your standard Christian interpretation - lots of white fluffy clouds and singing. But I'm not sure I really believe in that anymore. Sometimes I think it must be some sort of non-physical place, just kind of floating around in the cosmos connected to everything.
13. What is the meaning of life?
42
14. Describe God.
In Bible study I was once asked to draw a picture of God and all I came up with was a blank piece of paper. I don't know if I believe in God in a strictly Christian manner anymore. I believe that there's something out there, something more than what we can see and touch. The Christian name for it is God. But does it care about individual lives? Does it really interact with us? Did it really send it's only begotten son that man may not perish but have eternal life? I don't know. I don't really think anyone can know.
15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
The abilities to create and destroy human life. And I think we are entirely too careless in the use of these two great powers.
16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
Fear, social and physical constraints.
17. Nonverbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.
*shakes head*
*shrugs*
*smiles*
18. What is your one wish for the world?
That the light will always be that much brighter than the dark is dark. That good will always be just that much stronger than evil. That justice will be done more often than not.
19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
Wisdom is understanding. Understanding why we do the things we do, understanding why other people do the things they do, understanding the effects of our own choices, understanding which things are beyond our control, understanding when to stand up and fight and when to let the world flow around us.
I think you gain wisdom by being watching, listening, talking, reading, experimenting, allowing yourself to be challenged, allowing yourself to be wrong, taking time to reflect and analyze what you've seen and heard and said and read and experienced.
20. Are we all one
No, but we are all connected.
TAG: Code Watermelon
1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?
In Galapagos, Kurt Vonnegut blames our over-sized brains. I think he has a point. The Buddhists blame desire, and I think they have a point too.
I think ultimately humans are flawed creatures. We think too much, we want too much, when things don't go the way we think they should, or when we don't get what we want, we hurt.... and sometimes we hurt other people. Very few of us have mastered the concept of being content where we are with what we have. And I think this causes a lot of suffering.
2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
I think they are two paths trying to get at the same truth. You could say that one is an external search and one an internal search. I don't think they should be in competition or conflict. The truth that's out there is bigger than either science or religion alone can explain.
3. Why are so many people depressed?
I think different people are depressed for different reasons. For some people it can be a chemical imbalance related to other health problems. In other people it can be an inability to cope with what life has thrown at them, one reaction to trauma is just to shut down. Other people have just never learned how to be happy. In the US I think a lot of depression comes from a lack of authenticity, a lack of meaning and a lack of connection.
4. What are we all so afraid of?
Of pain, of suffering, of loneliness, of change, of someone someday finding out our deep dark secrets and laughing at them.
5. When is war justifiable?
Ooooooohhhh.... toughie! ONLY defensively, either in defense of one's own country or when a stronger power is attacking a weaker one - and the weaker one *asks* for help. And ONLY after all other diplomatic options have been attempted, and a thorough analysis of the costs of war are taken into a count.
I think we need to do a MUCH better job of proactively preventing war: US DEPARTMENT OF PEACE
6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
7. How does one obtain true peace?
One would have to remove oneself from human interaction - either physically hiding out in a cave somewhere, or mentally and emotionally avoiding any ties to other people. The question is...do you really want to obtain 'true peace'. I think part of being human, being alive is passion, emotion, connection, conflict, reconciliation, growth. I don't know that you can have those things and true peace at the same time.
8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
Feeling the cool creaminess of my cha yen and savoring every layer of flavor, listening to the rain pound down on the concrete, smelling the cigarette of the person smoking next door, watching the woman clean off her plate before assembling the next sandwich, noticing exactly how bright the shredded carrots are against the green of the lettuce, staring at the shih-tzu riding in the basket of the motorbike passing by.
9. What is our greatest distraction?
Everyone has their own favorite I think, entertainment, drugs/alcohol, sex, work, interpersonal drama. For whatever thing you think you *should* be focused on, there is an equal and opposite number of things to distract you from it.
10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
Which religion? For whom? I think some people have found religious experiences / commitments that enrich their lives without hurting other people... and for them, sure it's serving it's purpose. In general, as a benefit to the world at large... I think like all human endeavors it's a wash. There's some good and there's some bad.
11. What happens to you after you die?
I have no idea.
12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
Well, I was taught that heaven was eternal communion with God and other faithful souls. My image is pretty much your standard Christian interpretation - lots of white fluffy clouds and singing. But I'm not sure I really believe in that anymore. Sometimes I think it must be some sort of non-physical place, just kind of floating around in the cosmos connected to everything.
13. What is the meaning of life?
42
14. Describe God.
In Bible study I was once asked to draw a picture of God and all I came up with was a blank piece of paper. I don't know if I believe in God in a strictly Christian manner anymore. I believe that there's something out there, something more than what we can see and touch. The Christian name for it is God. But does it care about individual lives? Does it really interact with us? Did it really send it's only begotten son that man may not perish but have eternal life? I don't know. I don't really think anyone can know.
15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
The abilities to create and destroy human life. And I think we are entirely too careless in the use of these two great powers.
16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
Fear, social and physical constraints.
17. Nonverbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.
*shakes head*
*shrugs*
*smiles*
18. What is your one wish for the world?
That the light will always be that much brighter than the dark is dark. That good will always be just that much stronger than evil. That justice will be done more often than not.
19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
Wisdom is understanding. Understanding why we do the things we do, understanding why other people do the things they do, understanding the effects of our own choices, understanding which things are beyond our control, understanding when to stand up and fight and when to let the world flow around us.
I think you gain wisdom by being watching, listening, talking, reading, experimenting, allowing yourself to be challenged, allowing yourself to be wrong, taking time to reflect and analyze what you've seen and heard and said and read and experienced.
20. Are we all one
No, but we are all connected.
TAG: Code Watermelon
Friday, February 13, 2009
Half way there?
It's February 13th here and as of yesterday, I've officially been in Thailand for six months. In some ways that feels like a long time. I mean you can call a month or two a vacation, even three or four months is just a season, but six months - that's not messing around. But on the other hand, six months just feels like a few months... there are people who've lived abroad for years and years, and in some ways I still feel like I'm just off the boat. This probably isn't the half-way point for me though, as my contract runs through October and I'd really like to travel for some time before going back to the states. But let's call it a milestone anyway and do a bit of an update on my goals.
Learn Thai.... um.... I've hit a plateau. After learning about 30 words in each of the first four months I've learned only 20 new words in the last two months. My grand total is about 150. Once I learned how to order food, how to buy things, numbers and general greetings, my ability to survive was assured and the motivation to learn more kind of waned. I bought some alphabet flash-cards though and am slowly *slowly* working my way through them. It requires me to have a patient and idulgent Thai person around to keep reminding me what each of the letters are, which limits my ability to learn a bit. But at least I can keep practicing those few letters I do know on my own. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but at the same time - I've learned 150 words without taking a single formal class. That's not too bad.
Quality Time at the Beach - I go as often as I can, which is less than I'd like, but still...
I'm well past tan and heading into the leathery zone. I need to stop half-assing the sun screen and actually use it / reapply it. The ocean remains as calming and as refreshing as ever. I just love it, I love it so much... I just wish I could go every day.
Save Money - Minor fail. I got paid today and I only had about 14,000 in the account. Which means I not only haven't saved a satang in the past two months, I actually dipped 1,000 baht into my initial Thai savings. This is a tough one to call. I have absolutely been irresponsible with some of my money - I've gotten into the habit of going to McDonalds or Starbucks whenever I feel like it which is a money suck. I can get fried rice and veggies for like 40 baht at an average restaurant or a Big Mac for 115 baht. That's a huge difference... and Starbucks is worse. One iced tea - 25-35 baht at a Thai place is 110 baht at Starbucks, add in a sandwich at 90 baht and we're really getting into splurge territory. And this doesn't even include the 40 baht songtaew or 100 baht motorbike taxi to get to there and back. I've got to cut back on that if I want to save some money.
But on the other hand, I paid for my trip to Cambodia almost entirely out of my Thai money (the ATMs wouldn't take my Thai bank card =/ ), and I've gone to Ko Samet twice overnight again using only my Thai money. So I am living within my means... and managing to do some really cool things with the money I'm earning here. It's a balancing act... as is money everywhere. We've recently implemented Operation Frug (rhymes with rug, but is short for frugality), in order to save up money for a trip to Phuket. That means I'm not quite so casual about taking motorbike taxis to Tesco whenever I feel like it, and we're trying to eat at the little family restaurants instead of going to the big fancy ones.
Losing Weight - see above with the Big Macs and Starbucks. At one point I weighed myself and I was down another kg. but that's it. In fact, I might be right back up again after a recent bought of mood-based-munching. I've had some thoughts about this though. Skinny Thai girls are always complaining about being fat. And the ones that are undeniably skinny enough complain about not having boobs. The ones who manage to be skinny enough while still maintaining (or obtaining) big boobs slather themselves with skin whitening creams (every lotion in the store is a whitening cream - luster white, beauty white, baby white, white glow, fair and flawless, etc etc etc). It's sheer insanity. I've decided that this whole planet is conspiring to make women, no matter how gorgeous, feel bad about their bodies. I call bullshit!
Having seen that there is no acceptable female body - it just seems ridiculous to feel bad about the one that I have. Which is not to say all my body image and self esteem issues are gone, but I'm getting closer to just ignoring all of it.
Teaching Experience - I'm still not thrilled with the quality of my teaching for most classes. I spend a fair amount of time staring at the books trying to 'prep' for my classes, but it's pretty rare for me to come up with anything original to do with the students. I just follow the text book and hope for the best. Some of my students seem to be doing okay, some can't seem to pick up on much of anything. When I get to do the same lesson for a second or third time I start to feel like I know what I'm doing, but I'm still teaching about 70% new (to me) material.
Learn to Ride a Motorbike - I give up.
As this is a bit of a milestone, I'm going to milk it for all it's worth and ask for mail. Please send me mail, post cards are awesome. I had one of Portland and used it in a great many lessons actually, but I'm not sure where it is now. Fortunately gl. sent me one from Powells and it was used in a lesson the very next day. My uncle sent me a letter and I read a section of it to my dirty-old-men business English class. So not only will you be making me happy by sending me mail, it will more likely than not become a teaching tool which I think entitles you to write off the 94 cent stamp as an educational expense when you do your taxes.*
Plus... Bunny & Bobby get a lot more mail than I do, are you going to stand for that? ;)
Teacher Rebecca
- ask me in comments & I'll email you my address.
*Rebel is not a tax accountant, nor does she play one on TV, please consult a CPA or at the very least the box your turbo-tax software came in before attempting to take any deductions mentioned on this blog.
TAG: Code Watermelon
Learn Thai.... um.... I've hit a plateau. After learning about 30 words in each of the first four months I've learned only 20 new words in the last two months. My grand total is about 150. Once I learned how to order food, how to buy things, numbers and general greetings, my ability to survive was assured and the motivation to learn more kind of waned. I bought some alphabet flash-cards though and am slowly *slowly* working my way through them. It requires me to have a patient and idulgent Thai person around to keep reminding me what each of the letters are, which limits my ability to learn a bit. But at least I can keep practicing those few letters I do know on my own. I'm a bit disappointed in myself, but at the same time - I've learned 150 words without taking a single formal class. That's not too bad.
Quality Time at the Beach - I go as often as I can, which is less than I'd like, but still...
I'm well past tan and heading into the leathery zone. I need to stop half-assing the sun screen and actually use it / reapply it. The ocean remains as calming and as refreshing as ever. I just love it, I love it so much... I just wish I could go every day.
Save Money - Minor fail. I got paid today and I only had about 14,000 in the account. Which means I not only haven't saved a satang in the past two months, I actually dipped 1,000 baht into my initial Thai savings. This is a tough one to call. I have absolutely been irresponsible with some of my money - I've gotten into the habit of going to McDonalds or Starbucks whenever I feel like it which is a money suck. I can get fried rice and veggies for like 40 baht at an average restaurant or a Big Mac for 115 baht. That's a huge difference... and Starbucks is worse. One iced tea - 25-35 baht at a Thai place is 110 baht at Starbucks, add in a sandwich at 90 baht and we're really getting into splurge territory. And this doesn't even include the 40 baht songtaew or 100 baht motorbike taxi to get to there and back. I've got to cut back on that if I want to save some money.
But on the other hand, I paid for my trip to Cambodia almost entirely out of my Thai money (the ATMs wouldn't take my Thai bank card =/ ), and I've gone to Ko Samet twice overnight again using only my Thai money. So I am living within my means... and managing to do some really cool things with the money I'm earning here. It's a balancing act... as is money everywhere. We've recently implemented Operation Frug (rhymes with rug, but is short for frugality), in order to save up money for a trip to Phuket. That means I'm not quite so casual about taking motorbike taxis to Tesco whenever I feel like it, and we're trying to eat at the little family restaurants instead of going to the big fancy ones.
Losing Weight - see above with the Big Macs and Starbucks. At one point I weighed myself and I was down another kg. but that's it. In fact, I might be right back up again after a recent bought of mood-based-munching. I've had some thoughts about this though. Skinny Thai girls are always complaining about being fat. And the ones that are undeniably skinny enough complain about not having boobs. The ones who manage to be skinny enough while still maintaining (or obtaining) big boobs slather themselves with skin whitening creams (every lotion in the store is a whitening cream - luster white, beauty white, baby white, white glow, fair and flawless, etc etc etc). It's sheer insanity. I've decided that this whole planet is conspiring to make women, no matter how gorgeous, feel bad about their bodies. I call bullshit!
Having seen that there is no acceptable female body - it just seems ridiculous to feel bad about the one that I have. Which is not to say all my body image and self esteem issues are gone, but I'm getting closer to just ignoring all of it.
Teaching Experience - I'm still not thrilled with the quality of my teaching for most classes. I spend a fair amount of time staring at the books trying to 'prep' for my classes, but it's pretty rare for me to come up with anything original to do with the students. I just follow the text book and hope for the best. Some of my students seem to be doing okay, some can't seem to pick up on much of anything. When I get to do the same lesson for a second or third time I start to feel like I know what I'm doing, but I'm still teaching about 70% new (to me) material.
Learn to Ride a Motorbike - I give up.
As this is a bit of a milestone, I'm going to milk it for all it's worth and ask for mail. Please send me mail, post cards are awesome. I had one of Portland and used it in a great many lessons actually, but I'm not sure where it is now. Fortunately gl. sent me one from Powells and it was used in a lesson the very next day. My uncle sent me a letter and I read a section of it to my dirty-old-men business English class. So not only will you be making me happy by sending me mail, it will more likely than not become a teaching tool which I think entitles you to write off the 94 cent stamp as an educational expense when you do your taxes.*
Plus... Bunny & Bobby get a lot more mail than I do, are you going to stand for that? ;)
Teacher Rebecca
- ask me in comments & I'll email you my address.
*Rebel is not a tax accountant, nor does she play one on TV, please consult a CPA or at the very least the box your turbo-tax software came in before attempting to take any deductions mentioned on this blog.
TAG: Code Watermelon
Friday, January 30, 2009
25 Random Things About Rebel
I was tagged to do this on Facebook. Although I've recently been schooled on the difference between 'arbitrary' and 'random', so I actually wrote out 50 arbitrary things about myself then used a random number generator to create this list. And yes, I agree, I *should* have gotten first place in Dorktoberfest... take it up with Michael5000.
1. The beach I frequented in California is often featured in movies / TV / ads. I take personal pride in knowing that "my beach" is so photogenic.
2. I'm terrified of snakes... absolutely terrified. I've been known to run screaming from little 8" garden snakes. It's not funny... it's a phobia.
3. I miss Knit Night on Thursdays at Abundant. Yarn, gossip, chocolate... life was good!!!
4. I'm extremely sensitive to pain, I bumped into a door today, not even especially hard, and it hurt for like 5 minutes.
5. Drop Top Amber rocks my world.
6. Havarti makes me happy.
7. I'm a very tactile person and I love touching things... when I go to the store I just have to touch things as I walk past.
8. I had a crush on one of my students (so cute... sooooo cute!) but forgot to get his number before the course ended. =( He gave me really high marks on my evaluation, though. =)
9. I regularly ride side-saddle on the back of a motorbike with no helmet.
10. I went to Knollwood Elementary school, in Lake Hiawatha New Jersey.
11. I am the world's worst liar. Half the time I can't even come up with anything that's not true.... and when I do, it's absurdly easy to tell. I'm pretty good at omitting the truth though, and subtle misdirection.
12. I'm an unappologetic carnivore.... I'll eat fried chicken while staring down the chickens in the next yard.
13. I got drunk enough to try escargot one time but regretted it as soon as the snail was in my mouth. I didn't know what to do so I swallowed it whole and downed another glass of white wine.
14. Opiod-based pain medications give me disturbing hallucinations and make me go more than a little crazy.
15. I think Marquam Hill (Portland) is incredibly beautiful when it's misty and foggy.
16. I love optical illusions.
17. I'm a little bit of a drama junkie and love good gossip.
18. I hate Thai beer.
19. I suck at math and once nearly broke down in tears in the grocery store because I couldn't figure out which was the better deal 2 for $3 or 3 for $5. I love that my phone has a calculator on it for just these occasions.
20. My shoe size is 5 wide... it's incredibly difficult to find shoes that fit well, so when I find them, I'm not opposed to buying several pairs or spending a lot of money on them.
21. My sister and I have the same birthday, 6 years apart.
22. I'm not very good at telling when other people are lying, and I don't always get sarcasm. If I start staring at you like I'm retarded, it's because I honestly don't understand if you're being serious or joking.
23. One autumn, around my birthday I had a bad cold and wanted nothing more than those Dutch sugar cookies to have with my tea. I scoured the stores and couldn't find them anywhere. I was so excited when the Christmas displays appeared (the day after Halloween), and the stacks of cookie tins. I bought five tins.... just in case. I only managed to finish two before moving though.
24. I heart decoupage.
25. Every time I drove down Terwilliger I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the trees & moss & ferns. It's so otherworldly.
And now for the not so random analysis. I noticed that the things I wrote generally fell three categories 1. likes/dislikes about external things 2. completely neutral facts about myself or 3. things I don't like about myself. While the 'neutral' category outweighs the 'things I don't like about myself' 12 to 5... there's still nothing in the completely positive column. And in the 50 item list it was 19 neutral to 12 negative. Is this fucked up? Or is it just modesty? Or is it false modesty because the things I'm counting as neutral are really positive? I don't know.
Bunny is just about my polar opposite in some respects. When we were at the beach I made an off-handed comment appologizing for making them look at my thighs (and I hate making comments like that - I don't know where they come from, they just come out sometimes) she commented that the beach was really gorgeous and whenever she was in a beautiful place it made her feel like she was beautiful too, because she was a part of it. She's also said that her father told two things "One, I never lie, and two, you are absolutely perfect." Which explains a lot about her.
When I came home for the summer after my freshman year of college, my dad noticed that I'd gained the 'freshman 15' and called me a walrus. Ten minutes later he offered me ice cream. I think that explains a lot about me.
TAG: Code Fish Sauce.
1. The beach I frequented in California is often featured in movies / TV / ads. I take personal pride in knowing that "my beach" is so photogenic.
2. I'm terrified of snakes... absolutely terrified. I've been known to run screaming from little 8" garden snakes. It's not funny... it's a phobia.
3. I miss Knit Night on Thursdays at Abundant. Yarn, gossip, chocolate... life was good!!!
4. I'm extremely sensitive to pain, I bumped into a door today, not even especially hard, and it hurt for like 5 minutes.
5. Drop Top Amber rocks my world.
6. Havarti makes me happy.
7. I'm a very tactile person and I love touching things... when I go to the store I just have to touch things as I walk past.
8. I had a crush on one of my students (so cute... sooooo cute!) but forgot to get his number before the course ended. =( He gave me really high marks on my evaluation, though. =)
9. I regularly ride side-saddle on the back of a motorbike with no helmet.
10. I went to Knollwood Elementary school, in Lake Hiawatha New Jersey.
11. I am the world's worst liar. Half the time I can't even come up with anything that's not true.... and when I do, it's absurdly easy to tell. I'm pretty good at omitting the truth though, and subtle misdirection.
12. I'm an unappologetic carnivore.... I'll eat fried chicken while staring down the chickens in the next yard.
13. I got drunk enough to try escargot one time but regretted it as soon as the snail was in my mouth. I didn't know what to do so I swallowed it whole and downed another glass of white wine.
14. Opiod-based pain medications give me disturbing hallucinations and make me go more than a little crazy.
15. I think Marquam Hill (Portland) is incredibly beautiful when it's misty and foggy.
16. I love optical illusions.
17. I'm a little bit of a drama junkie and love good gossip.
18. I hate Thai beer.
19. I suck at math and once nearly broke down in tears in the grocery store because I couldn't figure out which was the better deal 2 for $3 or 3 for $5. I love that my phone has a calculator on it for just these occasions.
20. My shoe size is 5 wide... it's incredibly difficult to find shoes that fit well, so when I find them, I'm not opposed to buying several pairs or spending a lot of money on them.
21. My sister and I have the same birthday, 6 years apart.
22. I'm not very good at telling when other people are lying, and I don't always get sarcasm. If I start staring at you like I'm retarded, it's because I honestly don't understand if you're being serious or joking.
23. One autumn, around my birthday I had a bad cold and wanted nothing more than those Dutch sugar cookies to have with my tea. I scoured the stores and couldn't find them anywhere. I was so excited when the Christmas displays appeared (the day after Halloween), and the stacks of cookie tins. I bought five tins.... just in case. I only managed to finish two before moving though.
24. I heart decoupage.
25. Every time I drove down Terwilliger I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the trees & moss & ferns. It's so otherworldly.
And now for the not so random analysis. I noticed that the things I wrote generally fell three categories 1. likes/dislikes about external things 2. completely neutral facts about myself or 3. things I don't like about myself. While the 'neutral' category outweighs the 'things I don't like about myself' 12 to 5... there's still nothing in the completely positive column. And in the 50 item list it was 19 neutral to 12 negative. Is this fucked up? Or is it just modesty? Or is it false modesty because the things I'm counting as neutral are really positive? I don't know.
Bunny is just about my polar opposite in some respects. When we were at the beach I made an off-handed comment appologizing for making them look at my thighs (and I hate making comments like that - I don't know where they come from, they just come out sometimes) she commented that the beach was really gorgeous and whenever she was in a beautiful place it made her feel like she was beautiful too, because she was a part of it. She's also said that her father told two things "One, I never lie, and two, you are absolutely perfect." Which explains a lot about her.
When I came home for the summer after my freshman year of college, my dad noticed that I'd gained the 'freshman 15' and called me a walrus. Ten minutes later he offered me ice cream. I think that explains a lot about me.
TAG: Code Fish Sauce.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
So, yeah... it's 2009 now.
Happy New Year!
Now that my vacation is over and I'm starting to get back into the groove, it's time to do a little navel gazing about 2008. Kind of a big year for me. ;)
If you'll recall, about this time last year I was still just exploring the idea of taking the CELTA and moving abroad to teach English as a foreign language. I got a very fortuitous fortune cookie. That fortune is currently under my left wrist... taped to my laptop, which is sitting on my bed, in my apartment, down the street from the school where I teach English, in Rayong fucking THAILAND. =) And yes, I am actually enjoying this trip to Asia.... not every second, but overall - very much so.
Now that my vacation is over and I'm starting to get back into the groove, it's time to do a little navel gazing about 2008. Kind of a big year for me. ;)
If you'll recall, about this time last year I was still just exploring the idea of taking the CELTA and moving abroad to teach English as a foreign language. I got a very fortuitous fortune cookie. That fortune is currently under my left wrist... taped to my laptop, which is sitting on my bed, in my apartment, down the street from the school where I teach English, in Rayong fucking THAILAND. =) And yes, I am actually enjoying this trip to Asia.... not every second, but overall - very much so.
Let's look more specifically at what I had hoped to accomplish in 2008.
1. Study a foreign language (or two, or more), learn enough to handle basic greetings, shopping or travel.
2. Travel outside the United States, for a vacation if not for a new job.
3. Leave my current job for a more satisfying one.
4. Find an enjoyable & non painful form of exercise or physical activity.
5. Finish my Flying Geese quilt.
6. Learn a new craft or skill.
Obviously goals 1, 2, and 3 were meant to go together ... and honestly 4, 5, & 6 were my back-up goals in case the moving abroad thing didn't happen... so let's go in reverse order.
6. Learn a new craft or skill.
I meant this as a practical skill or craft (wood-working / pottery) it didn't happen, and I don't really care. Grade: We'll call this a W for 'withdrawal'
5. Finish my Flying Geese quilt.
Nope, this lovely UFO is sitting in Castle5000 patiently awaiting my return, I actually don't think I did a single thing to it in 2008. Grade: F
4. Find an enjoyable & non-painful form of exercise or physical activity.
I joined a bowling team, and although it's not exactly high-impact cardio, it is a form of physical activity and I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I've only gone a few times since moving here. I have gone swimming quite a bit though... and love it here. My proximity to the ocean will allow me to make swimming a semi-regular part of my life, which is awesome. Grade: B+
3. Leave my current job for a more satisfying one.
Yay!!!!!!! I finally quit that job that I hated with a blinding passion for so long. That was a gigantic step for me. My current job is far from perfect, and I don't feel comfortable enough with my teaching skills to be particularly satisfied yet.... but I think I'm heading in the right direction. Grade: A
2. Travel outside the United States, for vacation if not for a new job.
Yeah baby! Not only did I move my whole life to another country and manage to get a new job and everything.... I threw in a bonus country at the end of the year, 'cause that's how I roll! Grade: A+
1. Study a foreign language; learn enough for basic greetings, shopping or travel. I haven't been formally studying Thai, but I have picked up enough for basic greetings and shopping (and more importantly EATING) - the travel part not so much. I can say "I want to go...." wherever, but I don't know how to say 'ticket' or 'train' or 'late' or any of those really helpful phrases. I really thought it would be easier to take a language class here, and that I would be more motivated to do so. But honestly, I've been slacking off, I've been here over four months and I still don't have the alphabet memorized. Grade: B
But wait! I'm gonna give myself a little extra credit here.
Although I haven't really learned a skill that I'll be able to take back to the states with me, I have learned to haggle for prices in the market. I'm not great at it, but I don't pay the first price they offer. Also, I've learned how to ride side-saddle on the back of a motorbike - 'cause I'm classy. Two bonus points for #6.
And while I barely touched my flying geese quilt, I did finish a few other small projects. Santa Squares, Pink Lemonade, Broken Dishes (from entirely free materials), and Thousand Pyramids. I think that earns me 4 bonus points for #5.
Then, you know, there's the fact that I live in Thailand, and I had to use a squat toilet (while drunk) on my birthday... so I get about 80 billion bonus points for that.
Overall grade for 2008: A+
Although I've been wanting to go abroad for a while, making these resolutions and putting them out there where the world (and I) could see them in black & white really helped me to accomplish them. I had more than a few roadblocks along the way... or rather the same roadblock repeatedly (that non-existent CELTA course I kept trying to take). And when everything fell apart back in April/May it was the fact that I'd resolved to leave the country that really kept me going. Towards the end of May I was thinking "We're almost half way through the year and if I don't make something happen *now* I might not make it out of the country by the end of the year." All hail the power of the resolution!*
So that brings me to this year... what exactly do I want to accomplish in 2009?
1. Say yes more and continue to have new experiences.
This will be tough to quantify, but in general I want to keep this in mind all year, to say yes more, to try new things and have new experiences. But in all this experimentation the goal will be to find things that I enjoy, that make me happy. So, you know, no sticking my hand in the crocodile cage just because being bitten would be a new experience. ;)
2. Replenish my savings account.
I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about my lack of a safety net. I make plenty of money to live nicely in Thailand, but in $US it's less than half of what I used to make. I'm going to try to save about 10,000 baht a month (<$300)
3. Develop an exit strategy.
My plan continues to be to stay in Thailand as long as I'm happy, but my contract will be up on October 1. I want to actually think about what I want to do next and really research my options. This is an area I really need to work on (6+ years in a job I hated - why???). So when my contract is up, do I go look at another school, another country, am I ready to go back to the States? I need to spend a little time thinking this through, so that if I stay here it will be by choice and not by default.
4. Research, plan and go on one last trip before leaving SE Asia.
Honestly, I've never been especially interested in Asian history or culture (aside from the FOOD!), but I'm here and there is a lot to see. I'm going to devote some serious time and energy learning what there is to see & do around here and figuring out what I'd really enjoy / what I'd regret not seeing once I left.
5. Improve the quality of my blog.
If you can't tell, I rather enjoy blogging. It's mostly a journal for myself, but I like it when other people read it (and comment!), and it makes me really happy when people say it was helpful in some way or other. So I'm going to participate in Sophisticated Dorkiness' Blog Improvement Project, and see how that goes. I may even start editing down my posts to something shorter than a Russian novel. ;)
6. Get my head sorted out.
More on this one later... or maybe not.
These goals are not quite as earth shattering and exciting as last year's... but I think they'll keep me headed in a good direction. Wish me luck! =)
* But I think it has to be something you really want to do and have been meaning to do for a while. Resolving to eat more rutabegas is not going to make me eat more rutabegas.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Politics and Religion
When I first started thinking about becoming an ESL teacher, I had the opportunity to observe an actual class (taught by a very kick in the butt blogger). It was a very interesting experience. The students wanted to know who I was, so the teacher had them ask me questions. Right off the bat they asked "How old are you?", "Are you married?", "What's your job?", "Where do you live?" and "Do you have children?"
It was a bit shocking because in normal situations, we don't generally ask those kinds of personal questions five seconds after meeting someone. But those are the first statements & questions we tend to teach English language learners (present simple with the verb "to be" is lesson #1). I'm so glad I had the experience of being peppered with personal questions way back in that first observed lesson, because it prepared me (somewhat) for what it's really like in the classroom.
I've gotten very used to telling my age, marital status, nationality, and familial affiliations to complete strangers. In my more advanced classes, the questions have gotten even more personal "Do you have any boyfriends?" was from my Dirty Old Men Business English Class and they've subsequently teased me about it. "What kind of boyfriend do you like?" etc etc. In my other Business English class one of the guys asked me "Where were you on 9/11?*" Which...god even 8 years later, holds enough emotional trauma to stop me in my tracks. I managed to get out "I was in Oregon" and "I don't really want to talk about it." without crying. (I wasn't quite sure I heard the question right at first so they were clarifying "You know... when the planes crashed into the buildings..." not my favorite moment from that class.)
The thing is, none of these questions are meant to be personal. I mean, they want to get to know their teacher, but they want a yes or no, or two word answer. They may have the language skills to ask the question and get an answer... but not to get into a long, involved, discussion on the subject. Nor do they care to in most cases... they're just practicing the language.
For the past month we've been talking Politics. In all but my most basic classes I've been asked who I was going to vote for. I felt comfortable telling them, you know while qualifying that it was my opinion and that plenty of Americans wanted to vote for the other guy too. I know better than to say word one about Thai politics... when that subject comes up I never say more than "What do you think?" or "Yes, I saw that in the news." Today, my pre-intermediate class was learning about future predictions with "will" and there was an activity with questions about what they thought would happen in one year or five years or ten years. Under the "World" category, the question was "Do you think the USA will have a black President in five years?" The book was published in 2003, so that was a bit prescient I think. =) So we talked a bit about that.
For my next activity I wanted them to make predictions/fortunes for each other, and I introduced the topic by asking if fortune telling was popular in Thailand. It is, and that's another post entirely. They all set to work, writing out each other's fortunes (there are going to be a shit-load of millionaires in Rayong next year if these students have anything to say about it. ;)).
One of my more advanced students finished early and started chatting with me. He told me in order to do the fortune properly he would need to see the hand of the person he was making predictions for. I asked if he really could read palms - if he wanted to read my palm. But he said 'no no' he was just joking around. I told him I needed to know my fortune, if good things were going to happen for me. And then he asked me "Are you Christian?"
Not for the first time in this class, I was caught off guard and had no idea what to say. Fortunately, my teacher brain clicked in and I just said "Yes." because, well, I am. I was raised in a Christian family, in a Christian country. I celebrate Christian holidays and am *well* familiar with the cult & culture of Christianity. So in any and all respects that he could be referring to, the answer is yes. But to me, the question "Are you a Christian?" means a lot more than that. Due to the years of indoctrination I've had, it means something more like "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord & savior, confessed your sins, forgiven your enemies, been born again & gotten baptized?" and if the answer is "No." well, then, obviously - you're going to straight to hell.
I've been thinking a lot about spirituality lately. My mom took me to church all growing up, just you know church. But in High School and College I participated in some rather cult-like Christian organizations. It was not my finest hour. It was not my happiest hour either. Eventually I realized that trying to keep up with all the shoulds & shouldn'ts (and trying to make everyone else live up to them too) was making me miserable. And the fact that I was miserable about it just made me feel guilt that I wasn't being a good Christian. I came to a point where I actually forbade myself from going to church, and forbade myself from feeling guilty about it.
This is so crazy, while I was in the church they were always trying to teach us to tell our testimonies - how we 'came to Christ', and I never felt comfortable about it. It was a personal thing I didn't feel the need to share with anyone. But now here I am telling my anti-testimony to anyone in cyberspace who decides to drop in. Crazy.
In any case, it's only been recently that I've let myself start thinking about religion and spirituality again. I've come to believe that there's more in the universe than I can wrap my little brain around. I believe that whatever is out there is probably too big for any one person, or any one religion to get completely right. I think there's probably wisdom in all religious texts... if you approach them with an open mind. I've figured out that if you try to look at the world as though everything is black and white... you miss all the colors. And most of all I've learned that I really don't have the answers... I just have to do the best I can. Believe it or not, I did try to articulate some of this to my student...I'm not sure how much he understood.
As far as my current spiritual journey - I'm just getting my toes wet. I'm fascinated by the Temples and Buddha images I see everywhere... but have thus far been too scared to talk to a monk, or actually try to attend a temple service (partly because I'm afraid of doing something offensive... but also because there's a tiny part of me that still thinks I'll end up in hell for worshiping a false idol). I'm not, however afraid to read, so I've been reading a book called Peace is Every Step, and trying to practice mindfullness in small ways. I've been trying to pay attention to my breathing or my walking when I think of it, and trying to come back to the current moment if I get stressed out. I'm not particularly interested in sitting around meditating for an hour, but I still think mindfullness is a skill I want to cultivate.
You know, so I can stay grounded the next time one of my students throws me a curve-ball question in the middle of class!
*Later, when going through the text book, I saw that "Where were you on 9/11" was an example question they used in to teach the past simple. So really, they were just parroting a question they'd been taught...they were not especially interested in my personal reaction to the attacks.
*Later, when going through the text book, I saw that "Where were you on 9/11" was an example question they used in to teach the past simple. So really, they were just parroting a question they'd been taught...they were not especially interested in my personal reaction to the attacks.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
We live in a beautiful world...
Today's TAG - Mango baby... all mango.
I got up this morning, not nearly as hung over as I expected to be. That night out was far better for me than I can adequately put into words... but you know me.... I'll try. ;)
There I was sitting in a bar, in the middle of a Buddhist country, shit faced drunk, listening to a sworn atheist tell me how much Jesus loves me. And really believing it for the first time in a very ... very long time. It was one of those strange and beautiful things I never could have predicted would happen here.
Tomorrow night all the teachers are going out with the students. I really don't know what to expect. But you can trust that I will give a full report on both my last day of practice teaching, a review of the course overall, and of course whatever happens at this party.
I got up this morning, not nearly as hung over as I expected to be. That night out was far better for me than I can adequately put into words... but you know me.... I'll try. ;)
There I was sitting in a bar, in the middle of a Buddhist country, shit faced drunk, listening to a sworn atheist tell me how much Jesus loves me. And really believing it for the first time in a very ... very long time. It was one of those strange and beautiful things I never could have predicted would happen here.
Tomorrow night all the teachers are going out with the students. I really don't know what to expect. But you can trust that I will give a full report on both my last day of practice teaching, a review of the course overall, and of course whatever happens at this party.
Friday, August 22, 2008
That's one week down.
Week one is in the bag, I did three of my 8 total lessons. It's a bit weird to think about. Forgive me if this post goes a bit wonky... I got little sleep last night and I've had a few beers and a fairly in depth conversation tonight so my head is kinda spinning.
Regarding the course itself, I'm doing quite well. I wasn't thrilled with my lesson for today - things went a bit astray... it was a reading task and the students were talking (and talking in Thai at that), and then when there was a speaking task... one group didn't actually talk at all. It's a classroom management thing, and I'll need to work on that a bit more in the next class. Things are going to get a bit tougher and tougher as we go on I think, because we're learning something each day and need to be able to incorporate it into each successive lesson. So it's okay if we're flailing in the first lesson or two... but I think next week, we'll be expected to pull it together. I don't know. Hard to say. I don't feel overwhelmed with the amount of information we're being given, but it's still hard for me to deal with making mistakes in the classroom. I better get over it quick because it's not exactly going to stop happening.
As far as the people... it's interesting. I think that, as with any high pressure situation, people's true stripes start coming out. I've seen hints of it already. It'll be interesting to see what else comes out. You know, we're all bright eyed and bushy tailed the first day, but after a very intensive week, one or two of the students are already starting to show signs of wear. It's kind of hard for me to watch because thus far...I'm not overwhelmed. Yes it is a LOT of work and I have two assignments and a lesson to plan this weekend... I'm going to need to stay focused if I'm going to keep my head above water. But intellectually, thus far, it's not too much. And my second lesson, today, was also marked "Above Standard." It makes me feel very good to know that the first one wasn't just a fluke, it really reinforces the fact that I'm on the right track - career wise. But I need to not get focused on the external reward part. I just need to keep reminding myself that I don't need to be perfect, I just need to pass. Please remind me of this if I start sounding freaked out.
So tonight was interesting. A bunch of the boys went out to party (...) the couple- Shelia & Joey- went home to crash and I was kinda bummed that we wouldn't all be going out together (am I so Polyanna or what?) but I guess it makes sense. I ended up getting a beer and dinner with the Brit and we had a rather more intense conversation than I'm used to having. For one thing he gave me his first impression of me... no surprise "Proper" was how he put it and he contrasted that with how I was as he got to talk to me. And I explained that it wasn't so much that I'm "proper" as I try to be "appropriate" - class time, put on the good student hat, at the bar - kick back a bit. It was a very interesting conversation. He challenges me in a way that I'm not at all used to being challenged. Don't get any ideas - he has a girlfriend that he's completely head over heels for (it's endearing really) ... but I do like him quite a bit. Oh - and I got to ride on the back of his motorbike which I enjoyed immensely.
It's just going to be an interesting bunch to get to know. Everyone's got a story - I mean, that's true of everyone anywhere. But it means something to pack up your life and head abroad for an experience like this.... and to someplace like Thailand in particular. It just makes you think - who's running from something, who's running towards something, who's just out for fun, who's in it for a cultural experience? I'm a bit curious to see what shakes out. I'm a bit concerned about what's going to shake out of me.
The Brit & I talked about emotional boundaries, how it's important to know the difference between "my problem" and "not my problem". And yeah, I have a bit of work to do in that area (not so much). But I think my issue is more that I'm very good at putting up the emotional boundaries - the whole "proper" thing... it's hard for me to know when to take them down.
Hmmm...maybe I should leave it at that. My head is spinning... lots to think about on several different levels. OMG - it's only 9:30 but it feels like 2 am!
Regarding the course itself, I'm doing quite well. I wasn't thrilled with my lesson for today - things went a bit astray... it was a reading task and the students were talking (and talking in Thai at that), and then when there was a speaking task... one group didn't actually talk at all. It's a classroom management thing, and I'll need to work on that a bit more in the next class. Things are going to get a bit tougher and tougher as we go on I think, because we're learning something each day and need to be able to incorporate it into each successive lesson. So it's okay if we're flailing in the first lesson or two... but I think next week, we'll be expected to pull it together. I don't know. Hard to say. I don't feel overwhelmed with the amount of information we're being given, but it's still hard for me to deal with making mistakes in the classroom. I better get over it quick because it's not exactly going to stop happening.
As far as the people... it's interesting. I think that, as with any high pressure situation, people's true stripes start coming out. I've seen hints of it already. It'll be interesting to see what else comes out. You know, we're all bright eyed and bushy tailed the first day, but after a very intensive week, one or two of the students are already starting to show signs of wear. It's kind of hard for me to watch because thus far...I'm not overwhelmed. Yes it is a LOT of work and I have two assignments and a lesson to plan this weekend... I'm going to need to stay focused if I'm going to keep my head above water. But intellectually, thus far, it's not too much. And my second lesson, today, was also marked "Above Standard." It makes me feel very good to know that the first one wasn't just a fluke, it really reinforces the fact that I'm on the right track - career wise. But I need to not get focused on the external reward part. I just need to keep reminding myself that I don't need to be perfect, I just need to pass. Please remind me of this if I start sounding freaked out.
So tonight was interesting. A bunch of the boys went out to party (...) the couple- Shelia & Joey- went home to crash and I was kinda bummed that we wouldn't all be going out together (am I so Polyanna or what?) but I guess it makes sense. I ended up getting a beer and dinner with the Brit and we had a rather more intense conversation than I'm used to having. For one thing he gave me his first impression of me... no surprise "Proper" was how he put it and he contrasted that with how I was as he got to talk to me. And I explained that it wasn't so much that I'm "proper" as I try to be "appropriate" - class time, put on the good student hat, at the bar - kick back a bit. It was a very interesting conversation. He challenges me in a way that I'm not at all used to being challenged. Don't get any ideas - he has a girlfriend that he's completely head over heels for (it's endearing really) ... but I do like him quite a bit. Oh - and I got to ride on the back of his motorbike which I enjoyed immensely.
It's just going to be an interesting bunch to get to know. Everyone's got a story - I mean, that's true of everyone anywhere. But it means something to pack up your life and head abroad for an experience like this.... and to someplace like Thailand in particular. It just makes you think - who's running from something, who's running towards something, who's just out for fun, who's in it for a cultural experience? I'm a bit curious to see what shakes out. I'm a bit concerned about what's going to shake out of me.
The Brit & I talked about emotional boundaries, how it's important to know the difference between "my problem" and "not my problem". And yeah, I have a bit of work to do in that area (not so much). But I think my issue is more that I'm very good at putting up the emotional boundaries - the whole "proper" thing... it's hard for me to know when to take them down.
Hmmm...maybe I should leave it at that. My head is spinning... lots to think about on several different levels. OMG - it's only 9:30 but it feels like 2 am!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Where your treasure lies, there lies your heart also.
You're probably getting sick of hearing about how overwhelmed I am about moving... but well, it's either navel gazing or more stories from Trimet. Today - navel gazing.
I've made a bit (not nearly enough) of progress deciding what to do with all my stuff. It has been really difficult. I'm trying to be all zen about it... it's just stuff, it's just stuff, it's just stuff. But I'm blessed and cursed with a pretty good memory and if you haven't noticed I lean heavily towards the nostalgic & sentimental. So there's the book I got for my birthday (two days after my birthday because that was the year everyone forgot), the Jasper Johns flag poster my roommate got after 9/11 and that hung in our living room effectively the entire time we lived together, the big pink bread bowl I bought in celebration of moving into my very first apartment, the sweater I wore on my very first date (a red oversized men's sweater - went almost down to my knees - white leggings underneath - slouchy red socks with white Keds and I was pretty smokin' ;) ), etc. etc. etc. It doesn't matter if I actually like the item, or even if the memory associated with it is particularly good. I just have an emotional attachment to a LOT of stuff.
I haven't totally decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand it means I don't generally own stuff for no reason, something is either functional or meaningful to me in some way. But on the other hand, this connection to objects is probably not very healthy. I mean... a lot of people name their cars... I've named my car (Babette), my computer (Sophia), my sewing machine (Fraulein Peggy) & my mixer (Peggy D'oh ... Betty). I'm sure it says something about deep inner workings of my psyche... I just don't think I want to know what.
I have effectively two days before I leave (to go to San Francisco for the weekend before leaving the country entirely)... and I've still got quite a few loose ends to tie up. I still have a couch for one, and a few other misc. pieces of furniture. I'm going through a lot of "woulda shoulda coulda"s right now because I was trying to balance "keeping my apartment livable as long as possible" with "getting rid of things in a timely fashion" and erred on the side of waiting too long to start posting things to craigslist. I've had to deal with more than a few flakes and am now trying to *give* stuff away and am still getting flakes! Oh well... live & learn.
But progress... however limited... has been made.
June & Now
Closet before & After
While I've hardly gotten rid of *everything* I've pared down at least 75% of my belongings. It's astounding. Just the sheer volume of stuff I had (my sister regularly shames me by telling me she only has two pairs of shoes... and one pair of jeans etc. She also doesn't work (for pay - she's a mom, I know that's work) so she doesn't exactly need a work wardrobe. Whereas I've only managed to get down to 6 pairs of shoes for this trip (dressy black, dressy brown, casual black, casual brown, sandals and my red keens... I'm not going *anywhere* without my red Keens!) but that took some doing. It's not even that I'm extravagant... I just like variety. There are days when I have a very strong reaction to what I put on - I'll grab a blue sweater and then decide - no no no... can't wear that today, have to wear the brown one. Same with the shoes... I just have to have a couple fun pairs around in case I'm feeling rebellious. ;)
But all the fun shoes are gone now. The sparkley red ones I wore on New Years Eve, the blue converse that remind me of Doctor Who, the steel toed Doc Martins that were a bit to tight but felt kick-ass nonetheless, the black mules that showed off my infrequent pedicures, the saddle shoes that reminded me of cheerleading when I was little, the completely impractical high heeled black strappy party shoes, the brown canvas slip ons with the pink trim, and even the chunky brown 'interview' heels (the last pair of heels that I regularly wore to work after they caused me to twist my ankle and fall halfway down a flight of stairs - skinning my knee - during my first week at OHSU, and afterwards I saw my then coworker now friend and she was really sympathetic about it) - all lounging under appreciated on a shelf in a Goodwill store somewhere.
I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I guess, you know they say it's supposed to be liberating to get rid of all your stuff... to get rid of the emotional baggage that goes along with it. But that really hasn't been the case for me. I kind of feel like if I get rid of the stuff, I'm going to lose the memory. How do you decide which memories are really worth preserving?
I've made a bit (not nearly enough) of progress deciding what to do with all my stuff. It has been really difficult. I'm trying to be all zen about it... it's just stuff, it's just stuff, it's just stuff. But I'm blessed and cursed with a pretty good memory and if you haven't noticed I lean heavily towards the nostalgic & sentimental. So there's the book I got for my birthday (two days after my birthday because that was the year everyone forgot), the Jasper Johns flag poster my roommate got after 9/11 and that hung in our living room effectively the entire time we lived together, the big pink bread bowl I bought in celebration of moving into my very first apartment, the sweater I wore on my very first date (a red oversized men's sweater - went almost down to my knees - white leggings underneath - slouchy red socks with white Keds and I was pretty smokin' ;) ), etc. etc. etc. It doesn't matter if I actually like the item, or even if the memory associated with it is particularly good. I just have an emotional attachment to a LOT of stuff.
I haven't totally decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand it means I don't generally own stuff for no reason, something is either functional or meaningful to me in some way. But on the other hand, this connection to objects is probably not very healthy. I mean... a lot of people name their cars... I've named my car (Babette), my computer (Sophia), my sewing machine (Fraulein Peggy) & my mixer (
I have effectively two days before I leave (to go to San Francisco for the weekend before leaving the country entirely)... and I've still got quite a few loose ends to tie up. I still have a couch for one, and a few other misc. pieces of furniture. I'm going through a lot of "woulda shoulda coulda"s right now because I was trying to balance "keeping my apartment livable as long as possible" with "getting rid of things in a timely fashion" and erred on the side of waiting too long to start posting things to craigslist. I've had to deal with more than a few flakes and am now trying to *give* stuff away and am still getting flakes! Oh well... live & learn.
But progress... however limited... has been made.
June & Now
Closet before & After
While I've hardly gotten rid of *everything* I've pared down at least 75% of my belongings. It's astounding. Just the sheer volume of stuff I had (my sister regularly shames me by telling me she only has two pairs of shoes... and one pair of jeans etc. She also doesn't work (for pay - she's a mom, I know that's work) so she doesn't exactly need a work wardrobe. Whereas I've only managed to get down to 6 pairs of shoes for this trip (dressy black, dressy brown, casual black, casual brown, sandals and my red keens... I'm not going *anywhere* without my red Keens!) but that took some doing. It's not even that I'm extravagant... I just like variety. There are days when I have a very strong reaction to what I put on - I'll grab a blue sweater and then decide - no no no... can't wear that today, have to wear the brown one. Same with the shoes... I just have to have a couple fun pairs around in case I'm feeling rebellious. ;)
But all the fun shoes are gone now. The sparkley red ones I wore on New Years Eve, the blue converse that remind me of Doctor Who, the steel toed Doc Martins that were a bit to tight but felt kick-ass nonetheless, the black mules that showed off my infrequent pedicures, the saddle shoes that reminded me of cheerleading when I was little, the completely impractical high heeled black strappy party shoes, the brown canvas slip ons with the pink trim, and even the chunky brown 'interview' heels (the last pair of heels that I regularly wore to work after they caused me to twist my ankle and fall halfway down a flight of stairs - skinning my knee - during my first week at OHSU, and afterwards I saw my then coworker now friend and she was really sympathetic about it) - all lounging under appreciated on a shelf in a Goodwill store somewhere.
I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I guess, you know they say it's supposed to be liberating to get rid of all your stuff... to get rid of the emotional baggage that goes along with it. But that really hasn't been the case for me. I kind of feel like if I get rid of the stuff, I'm going to lose the memory. How do you decide which memories are really worth preserving?
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Everything's alright yes, everything's fine.
(Listening to Jesus Christ Superstar… quite an appropriate song for me right now actually “close your eyes, close your eyes and relax think of nothing tonight…”)
For the first time in a while now I’m completely dependent on Tri-met for my transportation needs. Now, I count myself extremely fortunate to live in a city where relying completely on public transportation is even a viable option… but it does make life interesting. I also count myself as extremely fortunate not to have to work right now, because if I had to run all my errands after working an 8 hour day, I can assure you that these stories would be far less ‘interesting’ and rather more ‘infuriating’.
Last week I was riding back to downtown on the 12. It was not a peak commuting time so the bus was somewhat empty.
Ok – a (not so) quick aside, I am a total bus dork, and I have a favorite seat. Well, I have a favorite seat on the new buses. On the old buses, pretty much all the seats are the same… but in the new buses the section behind the back door is elevated (to make room for the wheel well & all that stuff I guess). Anyway… ALL (save one) of the window seats on the new buses have compromised leg room. There’s some weird indention that makes it so that you can’t just sit with your feet straight in front of you – your foot closest to the window needs to slide over a bit – which I guess normal people don’t really care about. But it bugs me, and there are only TWO window seats on the new buses that have full leg room – they are in the back section, the second row behind the back door. And actually, the one on the right side has a weird box thing on the floor. Which I think makes an excellent footrest – so that is my #1 favorite seat on the bus. My #2 favorite seat on the bus is the identical seat on the left (which has full leg room and no box). In my aspergers-esque mind – it is a GOOD DAY if I get to sit in either of those seats and a VERY GOOD DAY if I can sit in my favorite spot. I’ll sit in anywhere if there aren’t a lot of options, but seriously – favorite spot. I get a little cranky if someone beats me to it.
In addition to having full leg room (and a foot rest in the case of #1 favorite seat), I get a pretty good view of everything that’s going on in the bus. So when you read my stories about the bus – imagine me sitting up there in the back, leaning against the window, right foot on foot rest, probably attempting to read.
So anyway… I was riding the 12 back into town and there was a Middle Eastern looking Muslim woman sitting at the front of the bus in the sideways facing “honored citizens” seats – her infant son was in a stroller in the aisle. There were only a handful of other people on bus (so the stroller wasn’t a nuisance). The baby was fussy, despite his mom’s attempts to calm him – rubbing his belly, shushing him or stroking his cheek - he was just fussy. It was the end of the day, and he was clearly done with sitting in his stroller. He’d arch his back and squeal loudly, then his mom would try to distract him for a minute. Nothing seemed to be working. She rummaged around in her purse and found a pen. She waved it in front of him and he was temporarily distracted. Of course he grabbed it, and seeing that this quieted him down, she let him have it. Now if you have ever seen a human child – you know exactly what happened next. He threw it down. Then he started to squeal again. A white teenage boy sitting a few rows back, got up, picked up the pen and handed it back to the woman with a smile as he went to exit the bus.
The woman tried distracting her squealing son with the pen again, and again he grabbed it – played with it for a few quiet seconds, then threw it down again. This time it was a young black man who got up, picked up the pen and handed it back to the woman, then sat down again within arms reach of any more pen-throwing the little boy might do. And I just thought to myself… you know, it’s times like this when I think everything’s going to be okay. When safe & well fed I think the basic instinct of humanity is to just be nice to each other – regardless of differences in race or creed. And I felt a lot better about the world… or at least that tiny little slice of the world at that moment.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Lonely old man
I've been eating out a lot lately. Even though I have loads of work to do at home, or maybe because I have loads of work to do at home, I've really needed to get out for part of the day. Usually I just go to Subway or maybe Taco Bell & do some of my assigned reading while drinking an obscene quantity of Dr. Pepper.
Anyway there I was in Subway reading "How To Teach English" and minding my own business when this little old man came up to me and started chatting me up. I had noticed him when I first came in, sitting at a table with a tattered leather satchel & an unopened paperback in front of him. After an exchange of "Hello"s he started quizzing me about my life. I can't even remember his opening line. I do remember thinking that although I was not at all interested in making small talk with this stranger (and strange he certainly was), I would soon be a stranger in a strange land and I was going to have to learn to be more outgoing if I ever wanted to make friends there. So when he asked what I was studying, I told him. And at his prompting I told him about my plans to go to Thailand.
Would you believe that a part of me had hoped I wasn't on the verge of something so interesting - I could have killed the conversation pretty quickly if I'd said "I sit in an office & do paperwork all day long." Instead he got to sound all excited for me, and he told me that he used to live here & there, and had even authored a novel in his younger days. He pulled out the book that had been sitting on his table, flipping it over to show a picture of him in, as they say, the full bloom of his manliness. the more we chatted the sadder this man seemed to be. He was so clearly clinging onto his 'glory days' and desperate for any small connection with another human being. I became uncomfortable and gradually shifted my focus back towards my book, answering his continued conversational attempts with minimal acknowledgements. Eventually he got the hint and, wishing me well on my trip, he left.
It struck me as so sad, so sad and so very frightening - how palpable this man's loneliness was. With no husband and no intention to have children - will I end up like this? As my friends focus increasingly on their own nuclear families, and as my own family grows older & I lose touch with relatives - will all my connections fade away? Will all my big adventures turn into snippets of small talk I subject strangers too? This is one of my greatest fears, to grow old, lonely & boring.
A few days later I ran into that same lonely old man at Subway again. I hadn't noticed him at first but he was there - leather satchel & unopened novel on the table. He got as I was pouring my drink and tried to start a conversation with the girl behind the counter. Then as an aside, he commented to me about her unwillingness to chat. I made a non-committal noise as I filled up my 32oz of Dr. Pepper & left the store.
Anyway there I was in Subway reading "How To Teach English" and minding my own business when this little old man came up to me and started chatting me up. I had noticed him when I first came in, sitting at a table with a tattered leather satchel & an unopened paperback in front of him. After an exchange of "Hello"s he started quizzing me about my life. I can't even remember his opening line. I do remember thinking that although I was not at all interested in making small talk with this stranger (and strange he certainly was), I would soon be a stranger in a strange land and I was going to have to learn to be more outgoing if I ever wanted to make friends there. So when he asked what I was studying, I told him. And at his prompting I told him about my plans to go to Thailand.
Would you believe that a part of me had hoped I wasn't on the verge of something so interesting - I could have killed the conversation pretty quickly if I'd said "I sit in an office & do paperwork all day long." Instead he got to sound all excited for me, and he told me that he used to live here & there, and had even authored a novel in his younger days. He pulled out the book that had been sitting on his table, flipping it over to show a picture of him in, as they say, the full bloom of his manliness. the more we chatted the sadder this man seemed to be. He was so clearly clinging onto his 'glory days' and desperate for any small connection with another human being. I became uncomfortable and gradually shifted my focus back towards my book, answering his continued conversational attempts with minimal acknowledgements. Eventually he got the hint and, wishing me well on my trip, he left.
It struck me as so sad, so sad and so very frightening - how palpable this man's loneliness was. With no husband and no intention to have children - will I end up like this? As my friends focus increasingly on their own nuclear families, and as my own family grows older & I lose touch with relatives - will all my connections fade away? Will all my big adventures turn into snippets of small talk I subject strangers too? This is one of my greatest fears, to grow old, lonely & boring.
A few days later I ran into that same lonely old man at Subway again. I hadn't noticed him at first but he was there - leather satchel & unopened novel on the table. He got as I was pouring my drink and tried to start a conversation with the girl behind the counter. Then as an aside, he commented to me about her unwillingness to chat. I made a non-committal noise as I filled up my 32oz of Dr. Pepper & left the store.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Attitude Adjustment
I've been watching Oprah again.... watch out! She's talking about the law of attraction, and it's really speaking to me.
Lately I've been pretty focused on all the things I need to do before I get to Thailand, and I've been pretty overhelmed & worried... people ask me if I'm excited and I reply that I'm terrified. What's up with that? That's no way to live. This is supposed to be a good move for me. I got out of my soul sucking job, how can I not be thrilled? So rather than spending the rest of my time here all stressed out, I'm going to give myself a little attitude adjustment and start expressing a little more gratitude.
So here goes:
I have everything I need.
I have enough money.
I'm smart enough to succeed in this course.
I'm going to learn to be a good teacher.
I will learn enough Thai to communicate.
I will make good friends.
I will stay healthy.
Sally will be well cared for.
I'm going to have a fantastic time in Thailand.
So... there goes.... no more panic, no more terror, no more worrying. Whatever happens, I can deal with it, I can learn from it, and I can grow from it.
Lately I've been pretty focused on all the things I need to do before I get to Thailand, and I've been pretty overhelmed & worried... people ask me if I'm excited and I reply that I'm terrified. What's up with that? That's no way to live. This is supposed to be a good move for me. I got out of my soul sucking job, how can I not be thrilled? So rather than spending the rest of my time here all stressed out, I'm going to give myself a little attitude adjustment and start expressing a little more gratitude.
So here goes:
I have everything I need.
I have enough money.
I'm smart enough to succeed in this course.
I'm going to learn to be a good teacher.
I will learn enough Thai to communicate.
I will make good friends.
I will stay healthy.
Sally will be well cared for.
I'm going to have a fantastic time in Thailand.
So... there goes.... no more panic, no more terror, no more worrying. Whatever happens, I can deal with it, I can learn from it, and I can grow from it.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
"Does that bother you?"
I just got back from getting my travel vaccinations (oowie btw)... which was a really strange experience. First off the nurse described the various health risks for the areas where I'll be traveling (mosquito borne infections & diseases spread by poor sanitation mostly) and which vaccinations were recommended. Hepatitis A & B were an easy "yes" so was Typhoid, the risks are real, the vaccines effective and affordable. Rabies and Japanese Encephalitis were tougher calls. On the one hand, I'll be near high-risk areas for both, on the other hand the vaccines are REALLY expensive. For J.E. I would need a series of 3 shots at $125 each... and they come with a risk of severe allergic reaction for people like me who have allergies. I declined. I also declined the rabies vaccination. I've heard that there are a ton of stray dogs in Thailand and you can't tell an infected dog from an uninfected one, but at least with Rabies - if I can get to a hospital within 24 hours, I should be okay. Of course if I can't get to a hospital - I'll die. Hmmm... I intend to stay far away from any dogs I see there! And maybe I'll look for a clinic in Chiang Mai when I get there - if they've got the same vaccinations for cheaper, I'll get them. It's so strange to be making potentially life & death decisions based largely on cost and blind hope.
We talked a fair amount about "dysentery" and how to tell between what to treat with Immodium AD and what to treat with antibiotics. Considering how sick I got from eating unpasteurized cheese in France, I had her write me a prescription for the antibiotics!
Anyway the weirdest part was talking to the nurse about my plans. I told her where I was going and that I planned to stay for at least a year. Then she asked me "Are you going alone?" and I said "Yup!" and then she asked "Does that bother you?" I had to think for a minute. I mean, that's not the kind of question I was expecting - especially after our lengthy discussion of diarrhea. So I just said "Well, I'm on my own here... and I'll be on my own there, I don't really see the difference."
While I would love to have a companion to go with me... I don't have one...and that's not likely to change any time soon. I decided a while ago that I wasn't going to put off doing the things I wanted to do just because I didn't have someone to do them with me. I also decided, more recently, that I wasn't going to spend any more of my time or energy "looking for someone." But rather I was going to focus on living the kind of life I want to have regardless of who's along for the ride. And if, some day, there ends up being someone right next to me enjoying life with me - well then that's fantastic. But if it doesn't happen, I don't see the point in letting that 'bother me'.
Tangentially - this is why I've totally gotten into the new Doctor Who (well that plus David Tennant is one hot little Scot!). The Doctor travels through time & space, people come and people go, and he just keeps on traveling. C'est la vie, allons-y!
We talked a fair amount about "dysentery" and how to tell between what to treat with Immodium AD and what to treat with antibiotics. Considering how sick I got from eating unpasteurized cheese in France, I had her write me a prescription for the antibiotics!
Anyway the weirdest part was talking to the nurse about my plans. I told her where I was going and that I planned to stay for at least a year. Then she asked me "Are you going alone?" and I said "Yup!" and then she asked "Does that bother you?" I had to think for a minute. I mean, that's not the kind of question I was expecting - especially after our lengthy discussion of diarrhea. So I just said "Well, I'm on my own here... and I'll be on my own there, I don't really see the difference."
While I would love to have a companion to go with me... I don't have one...and that's not likely to change any time soon. I decided a while ago that I wasn't going to put off doing the things I wanted to do just because I didn't have someone to do them with me. I also decided, more recently, that I wasn't going to spend any more of my time or energy "looking for someone." But rather I was going to focus on living the kind of life I want to have regardless of who's along for the ride. And if, some day, there ends up being someone right next to me enjoying life with me - well then that's fantastic. But if it doesn't happen, I don't see the point in letting that 'bother me'.
Tangentially - this is why I've totally gotten into the new Doctor Who (well that plus David Tennant is one hot little Scot!). The Doctor travels through time & space, people come and people go, and he just keeps on traveling. C'est la vie, allons-y!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
lots of little things
I don't know about you but it's the little things I remember, I forget names & dates & locations, but little details stick with me.
One of the things I remember most vividly from college is the door to the University Center. We were always going to the UC - to get mail, use the photocopier etc etc. The doors were heavy, ... and when it was raining or windy it was worse. Now I'm no wimp - I took weight training - but the doors were just big, heavy, and awkward – the kind of doors that want to slam back on you before you’re half way through. I remember walking to the UC, swinging open the big heavy door... then my friend - just a step behind me - reaching up and catching the door and opening it the rest of the way. You know, I can remember the feel of the door's weight releasing from my hand and then walking through the door knowing it wasn't going to whack me in the backpack as I went through. And I think how nice that was...how nice that would be now. I can open the door myself, it would just be nice to have someone there to hold it open as I schlep all my stuff through.
I'm still working... well, "working". I still have to get up get dressed and sit at my computer all day. All of my duties have been reassigned, I'm just working on cleaning out files and answering questions as they come up. While far less stressful than normal, it's boring as all get-out. The other morning my boss was joking "Oh it's your last week - how can we twist your arm and make you stay?" but then kinda back pedaled when she realized I didn't think it wasn't very funny.
At home I'm working on CELTA application #3. The error correction sections are really hard for me. I know instinctively that "My cousin said me that." is wrong and "My cousin told me that." is correct, but it's really hard for me to articulate *why*. And I *still* can't figure out how to explain the difference between "slim" and "thin". Every time I think of a way to differentiate them, I think of exceptions. The "how would you teach this" section is a little easier though. Having spent a bit of time in language classes (both good and bad) I'm familiar with a few different techniques to use. I find it surprising, but reassuring, that I'm able to generate a lot of ideas on how to teach different things. I know I don't know all the techniques, and I know there's a big difference between jotting down an idea on paper, and enacting it in the classroom... but I feel like this is something I could actually learn. Whereas with the grammar questions, I don't even have the vocabulary to explain what I mean. I'm wishing more of my teachers had covered grammar. Miss Crawford made an effort Sophomore year... but it was too little too late. Clearly I have some catch-up work to do.
I've also been reading up on Thai culture, both online and in a couple of books. My sister belongs to an online book-swap and was able to get me a copy of the now out of print book "Culture Shock! Thailand" which comes highly recommended. Unfortunately the version I have is from 1982 (the most recent update was in 2003 or 2005 I think). Since I actually remember being alive in 1982 it doesn't seem that long ago, but it really really was. I can't get over the highly sexist nature of the book. And I'm not talking about how women are expected to behave in Thialand (I assume at least some of this has changed), but the way the author gives general advice and then gives asides for the appropriate behavior of "your wife." Um.... yeah... I guess women didn't travel without their husbands back in the early 80s. Anyway I'm taking the entire book with a grain of salt... and I have a much more recent copy of "Culture Smart Thailand" for perspective, and little guide book for more specific information about transportation, prices, and things to see. At the moment though, my reading stack is a bit overwhelming.
This whole thing is overwhelming in fact...all the little things add up- getting a visa, shots, copies of my transcript, what to do with my stuff, what to do with Sally, how much money I'm going to need, actually getting accepted into a program, learning some of the language, etc. etc. etc.
I haven't been crafting much... mostly because I haven't been especially inspired. I'm pretty deep in left-brain land right now. I've got a new pair of socks on the needles, but aside from the fact that I'm doing them toe up, they're going to be identical to the last pair I made.
One more week. One more week and I'll be free of this job... and hopefully that'll help me regain focus and feel less overwhelmed.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Well that was interesting!
As I mentioned in an earlier post, the Good Sister came for a visit. I think it's good to move away from your family so that you can figure out who you are on your own. But it's nice to stay in touch with family so you can figure out why you are the way you are.
My sister and I have very similar body types, I actually gave her a top that looked better on her than it did on me. And we share a similar concept of time. When I suggested that we visit my office at around 1pm, we were both ready to go by 12:30pm. We got to the airport a good two hours before her flight. But that is about where our similarities end. She's a stay-at-home mom, I'm the single 'career gal'.
She stayed for a long-weekend, and I did my best to show her a good time. She was not at all impressed with the cake I baked & the flowers I bought for her. Nor was she the least bit interested in my knitting or my quilts. Oh and the first thing she said upon entering my apartment was "Man - that is one fat cat!"
I took her to all my favorite parts of Portland; NW 23rd, Finnegans toy store, Saturday Market, Multnomah Falls and to dinner at Kennedy School with some knitting friends. She went along with everything in good humor. But in the whole trip, the only thing she expressed genuine enthusiasm for was the moss. I'm not even kidding. She was very impressed with a neighbor's "use of moss in his landscaping" I laughed - you can't kill that stuff here! Tennessee is in the middle of a drought, so it makes sense... but I really pulled out all the stops for her.
And not that I planned this... I didn't even know about it... but when I took her to my office, former President Clinton was scheduled to give a speech there. We actually saw him enter the building we were in - not more than 15 feet from where we were standing. She's not a big fan of the Clintons... but still, it's not every day you see a former president in real life. When I took her to the airport she said "I know you don't think we did anything exciting, but really it was just good to get away." Dude! Dinner with my knitting friends is about as exciting as my life gets!
I know that what she wanted/needed more than anything was a few days away from home & kids. So I let her sleep in, I did all the cooking & cleaning, we watched a chick-flick together. And she did seem quite happy that she was able to the bathroom without her kids waiting outside the door. Overall I'll call it a success.
But I'm in no hurry to invite her back. ;)
My sister and I have very similar body types, I actually gave her a top that looked better on her than it did on me. And we share a similar concept of time. When I suggested that we visit my office at around 1pm, we were both ready to go by 12:30pm. We got to the airport a good two hours before her flight. But that is about where our similarities end. She's a stay-at-home mom, I'm the single 'career gal'.
She stayed for a long-weekend, and I did my best to show her a good time. She was not at all impressed with the cake I baked & the flowers I bought for her. Nor was she the least bit interested in my knitting or my quilts. Oh and the first thing she said upon entering my apartment was "Man - that is one fat cat!"
I took her to all my favorite parts of Portland; NW 23rd, Finnegans toy store, Saturday Market, Multnomah Falls and to dinner at Kennedy School with some knitting friends. She went along with everything in good humor. But in the whole trip, the only thing she expressed genuine enthusiasm for was the moss. I'm not even kidding. She was very impressed with a neighbor's "use of moss in his landscaping" I laughed - you can't kill that stuff here! Tennessee is in the middle of a drought, so it makes sense... but I really pulled out all the stops for her.
And not that I planned this... I didn't even know about it... but when I took her to my office, former President Clinton was scheduled to give a speech there. We actually saw him enter the building we were in - not more than 15 feet from where we were standing. She's not a big fan of the Clintons... but still, it's not every day you see a former president in real life. When I took her to the airport she said "I know you don't think we did anything exciting, but really it was just good to get away." Dude! Dinner with my knitting friends is about as exciting as my life gets!
I know that what she wanted/needed more than anything was a few days away from home & kids. So I let her sleep in, I did all the cooking & cleaning, we watched a chick-flick together. And she did seem quite happy that she was able to the bathroom without her kids waiting outside the door. Overall I'll call it a success.
But I'm in no hurry to invite her back. ;)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Sisters
I really don’t need to say much more than that do I? Well, I’m gonna anyway.
The Good Sister (aged 6) & The Baby (me)
My sister… the good sister… is coming to visit next week. This is an unprecedented event.
Several times a year since coming to my graduation (in 1997!) the good sister has commented to me “I’m going to try to come visit you in Oregon this year.” But never has. I’ve flown out *many* times to visit her – about every other year or so. While I was still in college she got married, then started having kids, and the whole family moved out to Tennessee, so it’s always just been easier for me to do the traveling. So let me repeat – this is an unprecedented event.
The two of us had a fairly normal relationship as kids (normal in that we fought near-constantly). As adults we've gotten along relatively well. You know - in 15 minute phone calls and bi-annual visits. I'm still 'the baby' though... and there's more than a little sibling rivalry. She's got the fantastic marriage & beautiful kids, but I have a lot more expendable cash than she does. You know... the grass is always greener.
I’ve got some plans as to what to do while she’s here – show her off to my office, take her downtown – to Saturday Market, go out to a McMenamins… all those kinds of Portlandy things. So I think I've got activities covered... but she'll be staying with me in my tiny one bedroom apartment and that'll make for a fair amount of one-on-one time. Time for her to give me tons of unsolicited advice and ask me invasive questions about my (lack of) personal life. This is after all the woman who once gave me a card on our birthday that said "You may be younger than I... but at least I was married by your age."
Yeah... this is gonna be great.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Death and Taxes
Fair warning – this post is going to get a bit morbid and depressing and will probably offend someone. If you’re just here for the crafts…skip this post. Also – I have no point.
My mom has this expression that I just love. Whenever we would hear on the news about this percent of people dying of such and such disease or that such & such increases your risk of dying by whatever percent - she would kinda laugh and say “Well guess what? 100% of people die!” I’m pretty sure I’ve adopted her pragmatic view of death. We’re all gonna die someday so there’s not much point getting all worked up about it, or scared, or go to insane lengths to avoid it. Neither of us have a death wish. We wear our seat-belts and go to the doctor and make sure there’s a non-slip mat in the shower. But she’s made it clear that if she were ever really sick or injured she wouldn’t want to be kept on life support indefinitely… and neither would I. Now she has a firm belief in an afterlife… and if there is a heaven I know she’s earned her place. Even though I’m less sure of what happens after we die, I am comfortable with the idea of the great sleep, of my existence finally coming to an end (hopefully not anytime soon – there are plenty more things I’d like to do first!) and decomposing back into the earth – pushing up daisies – oooh or daffodils! Well, actually I’d rather be buried at sea… but still the idea of ashes to ashes is something I can deal with.
It seems to me that we live in a culture where death is feared and to be avoided at ANY cost. Doctors come up with painful and invasive ways of diagnosing and treating diseases. People whose natural lives should, by all rights, be over linger on with feeding tubes and life support machines. To me – that’s not life! (eta - I was watching this show on PBS where they kept talking about ways to avoid "premature death" as though somehow we were all entitled to live to be 80-90-100 if only we consume enough omega-6 fatty acids and avoid refined carbohydrates - it just bugged me.)
I can understand it more when people go to extraordinary lengths to extend the life of an infant or child… because in a child there is so much potential for life to be lived. But what I can’t condone are the numerous lawsuits parents have filed when doctors were unable to miraculously save a child born with serious life-threatening defects. Yes, gross negligence should be punished… but once the child is dead and gone, all the money in the world won’t bring them back.
I think we’ve lost sight of the time when the leading cause of death for women was childbirth, and when more women than not had lost at least one child in infancy. Of course I’m thrilled that’s no longer the case. But it seems like these days we’re meant to believe that if the stick turns blue – you’re guaranteed a healthy baby. And if, heaven forbid, that’s not the case – well clearly it’s something the mother did wrong… too much caffeine, not enough folic acid, too old, too active, whatever, whatever. It’s like we refuse to accept that sometimes these things; terrible, sad, tragic things, just happen. Sometimes babies die and it’s nobody’s fault. I can’t even imagine how horrible it is for the mother (or father for that matter). But it happens… death is a part of life… and I admire the courage of women who have experienced this and have talked about their reality of it. Because it feels very much like we’re not supposed to talk about such things.
And as much as it concerns me – our inability to come to terms with our own mortality, it’s nothing, not even close to how disturbed I am by what people are willing to do to keep their PETS alive! I love my Sally-girl dearly, I do. I spend disturbing amounts of money on her care & feeding to manage her allergies. But if she ever got really sick, or life-threateningly injured – I would let her go. I’m sure I would spend several days before and after crying my eyes out… but I would have the vet euthanize her if she could no longer live her (rather pampered I must say) normal kitty life. I’m also not about to confine her to the apartment to keep her safe from whatever dangers (real or imagined) exist in the outdoor world. If she got hit by a car – I’d be sad, I’d cry, in the shock of it I’d probably be mad at the person driving the car… but I know that it’s a possibility… it’s a risk. But that’s what life is – it’s a risk.
We can live our lives in safe little boxes, doing everything we can to prevent or forestall death, pretending that somehow we can avoid it… but that’s hardly living. I should know – I’m living in one of those safe little boxes right now – and honestly it’s boring as hell. Of course I’m not suggesting anyone take up smoking or playing in traffic. But maybe we all need just a healthy appreciation for the fact that we’re going to die someday, and learn to live a little. (BTW - if you do learn to live a little – please tell me how. I’ve dealt with my fear of death but haven’t quite dealt with my fear of life!)
Oh yeah… I’ve talked about death… now taxes. Hmm… I still haven’t done them. Even though my financial situation is about as uncomplicated as they get and I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting a refund, I’m completely unmotivated to do the paperwork. Maybe I won’t do it this year. What’s the worst that could happen?
They don’t call me Rebel for nothing.
Actually yes they do...
Don’t worry – I’ll file my tax return…eventually.
My mom has this expression that I just love. Whenever we would hear on the news about this percent of people dying of such and such disease or that such & such increases your risk of dying by whatever percent - she would kinda laugh and say “Well guess what? 100% of people die!” I’m pretty sure I’ve adopted her pragmatic view of death. We’re all gonna die someday so there’s not much point getting all worked up about it, or scared, or go to insane lengths to avoid it. Neither of us have a death wish. We wear our seat-belts and go to the doctor and make sure there’s a non-slip mat in the shower. But she’s made it clear that if she were ever really sick or injured she wouldn’t want to be kept on life support indefinitely… and neither would I. Now she has a firm belief in an afterlife… and if there is a heaven I know she’s earned her place. Even though I’m less sure of what happens after we die, I am comfortable with the idea of the great sleep, of my existence finally coming to an end (hopefully not anytime soon – there are plenty more things I’d like to do first!) and decomposing back into the earth – pushing up daisies – oooh or daffodils! Well, actually I’d rather be buried at sea… but still the idea of ashes to ashes is something I can deal with.
It seems to me that we live in a culture where death is feared and to be avoided at ANY cost. Doctors come up with painful and invasive ways of diagnosing and treating diseases. People whose natural lives should, by all rights, be over linger on with feeding tubes and life support machines. To me – that’s not life! (eta - I was watching this show on PBS where they kept talking about ways to avoid "premature death" as though somehow we were all entitled to live to be 80-90-100 if only we consume enough omega-6 fatty acids and avoid refined carbohydrates - it just bugged me.)
I can understand it more when people go to extraordinary lengths to extend the life of an infant or child… because in a child there is so much potential for life to be lived. But what I can’t condone are the numerous lawsuits parents have filed when doctors were unable to miraculously save a child born with serious life-threatening defects. Yes, gross negligence should be punished… but once the child is dead and gone, all the money in the world won’t bring them back.
I think we’ve lost sight of the time when the leading cause of death for women was childbirth, and when more women than not had lost at least one child in infancy. Of course I’m thrilled that’s no longer the case. But it seems like these days we’re meant to believe that if the stick turns blue – you’re guaranteed a healthy baby. And if, heaven forbid, that’s not the case – well clearly it’s something the mother did wrong… too much caffeine, not enough folic acid, too old, too active, whatever, whatever. It’s like we refuse to accept that sometimes these things; terrible, sad, tragic things, just happen. Sometimes babies die and it’s nobody’s fault. I can’t even imagine how horrible it is for the mother (or father for that matter). But it happens… death is a part of life… and I admire the courage of women who have experienced this and have talked about their reality of it. Because it feels very much like we’re not supposed to talk about such things.
And as much as it concerns me – our inability to come to terms with our own mortality, it’s nothing, not even close to how disturbed I am by what people are willing to do to keep their PETS alive! I love my Sally-girl dearly, I do. I spend disturbing amounts of money on her care & feeding to manage her allergies. But if she ever got really sick, or life-threateningly injured – I would let her go. I’m sure I would spend several days before and after crying my eyes out… but I would have the vet euthanize her if she could no longer live her (rather pampered I must say) normal kitty life. I’m also not about to confine her to the apartment to keep her safe from whatever dangers (real or imagined) exist in the outdoor world. If she got hit by a car – I’d be sad, I’d cry, in the shock of it I’d probably be mad at the person driving the car… but I know that it’s a possibility… it’s a risk. But that’s what life is – it’s a risk.
We can live our lives in safe little boxes, doing everything we can to prevent or forestall death, pretending that somehow we can avoid it… but that’s hardly living. I should know – I’m living in one of those safe little boxes right now – and honestly it’s boring as hell. Of course I’m not suggesting anyone take up smoking or playing in traffic. But maybe we all need just a healthy appreciation for the fact that we’re going to die someday, and learn to live a little. (BTW - if you do learn to live a little – please tell me how. I’ve dealt with my fear of death but haven’t quite dealt with my fear of life!)
Oh yeah… I’ve talked about death… now taxes. Hmm… I still haven’t done them. Even though my financial situation is about as uncomplicated as they get and I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting a refund, I’m completely unmotivated to do the paperwork. Maybe I won’t do it this year. What’s the worst that could happen?
They don’t call me Rebel for nothing.
Actually yes they do...
Don’t worry – I’ll file my tax return…eventually.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
self-endulgent stream of consciousness... enter at your own risk
As an ISFJ (borderline ISTJ in fact) I am extremely good at planning and making decisions. When making a decision, I'm usually very good at thinking through the details and the consequences of doing things one way or another. The upside of something like this is that when I want to, I can make an entire Thanksgiving dinner from scratch and have everything end up on the table ready to eat at whatever predetermined dinner time I'd established when I started planning. (Contrast this with the Thanksgiving I went to at a friend's place where she didn't even have the turkey in the oven when the guests began arriving). The downside... or I should say one of the downsides is that when it's time to make a big decision, if I can't sort out all the details, and if I can't foresee all of the potential consequences - I become a bit paralyzed and overwhelmed and prefer instead not to make the decision at all, not to take the risk. Another downside is that I'm not very good at imagining things, to visualize situations I haven't experienced.
This is the problem I've been dealing with in regard to my career. I've finally figured out that I want to teach English abroad, at least for a few years. But it's been hard for me to imagine it really happening, and I've been a bit overwhelmed by the idea of trying to figure everything out.
This is the problem I've been dealing with in regard to my career. I've finally figured out that I want to teach English abroad, at least for a few years. But it's been hard for me to imagine it really happening, and I've been a bit overwhelmed by the idea of trying to figure everything out.
This is the biggest thing I've ever considered doing, and there are so many details, so many consequences, so many things to think through, so many things I've never done. I've been overwhelmed and procrastinating on & off since about October. In the face of my own procrastination and the delays beyond control, I've just been really discouraged.
The current plan is for me to take the next available course - in April. I have another pre-course task to complete... it's thirty pages long, lots & lots of grammar questions. It's not hard, it's even mildly interesting. But it's solo work, to my own timetable... and that's the last thing I need right now. One of the things that appeals to me about teaching is that it is, by it's nature, interactive and somewhat immediate. I can't show up in the classroom and not teach... there will be students there waiting for me. If I'm not prepared - there will be pretty immediate feedback. At my current job I can put in about 50% effort and still accomplish all the things that are expected of me...no one in my office knows or cares what I do all day, as long as things get done. It's soul-suckingly, mind-numbingly boring... and in it's own way exhausting.
Anyway... slowly, slowly, slowly I'm working on the pre-course task... plugging away at it. But I still can't quite keep in mind day-to-day that I could really be leaving the country as early as this summer. It doesn't seem real. I want it to happen, it just doesn't feel like it's really going to. Every once in a while it'll catch me... like I might not even be here for the presidential election! It's just bizarre. For the past several months I've thought about things like moving, or buying a new car, or getting new furniture or visiting family... and then I stop myself and I think ... well, that is if I'm still here. It's driving me crazy! Trying to plan for something that's so amorphous and thus far uncertain. I don't know what exactly to do about it, other than to take one step at a time... finish up the assignment... the least fun aspect of this whole endeavor.
Hmm... I think I had a point when I started this post. But now... not so much. I also think I've caught the cold that's been making it's rounds in my office... so my brain is getting a bit fuzzy.
Look! A kitty!
Friday, February 8, 2008
February Sucks Ass
you were probably all thinking it... I'm just going to come out and say it!
- Someone I "knew" online died from a crappy disease. I didn't know her well (even in online terms) but I knew she had two small children, and mothers with little babies just should not die from crappy diseases... it just shouldn't be allowed!
- Other people I know have had crap hands dealt to them recently - in one case not getting a (well deserved!!) promotion, and in another dealing with family stuff that is just shitty & unfair.
- The weather's been gloomy & horrid all over... which is not in and of itself a reason to get cranky... but I think it adds to the overall suckitude of February.
And on a more personal note:
- Today I royally fucked up at work. ROYALLY! And it's completely, absolutely, inexcusibly, 100% my fault (well, maybe 99% my fault... but pretty much entirely my fault). I'm not going to go into details about what happened, but it was completely due to being a moron and will mostly likely result in a loss of $500,000. OUCH!! (as an aside I remember working as an accountant and not being able to balance my account... I'd be off by an annoying amount like $7.82 or $39.46 but I'd comfort myself by saying "screw it - I'd pay that much not to have to find it" I would find it eventually, but it made me feel better knowing that it wasn't *that* big of a deal.... this $500,000 is a pretty big deal)
- After work I really should have just gone to bed, but I figured I would go run some errands so I wouldn't feel like the day was a complete waste. I was going to treat myself to some genuinely evil fast food (criss-cut fries in ranch dressing... oh yeah), then go grocery shopping. Feeling rebelious I decided not to wear a coat (sometimes, I just get sick of wearing my big ol' winter coat). I figured I'd only have to walk from my car to Carls Jr. or from the car to the grocery store. Oh man did the universe have something else in store for me!
As I'm driving down the street my car's "your lights are on" bell starts dinging. I'm thinking WTF - I *know* my lights are on - it's dark out! So I turn my lights out and back on and the thing stops dinging. My first thought is that the dinger is broken because it rarely if *ever* actually successfully notifies me that I've left my lights on - which is why I have to carry jumper cables in my car. ANYWAY I stop at a light, start going again and the dinger starts dinging again. I'm looking at all the lights on my dash trying to figure out if there's an actual problem - but the 'check engine' light isn't on. The dinger stops... then starts again after another light. I'm getting pissed off when I finally realize the dial thingy is all the way on H which I assume means my car is "hot" although, honestly I have NO idea what that means. I also realize that I'm a few hundred miles overdue for an oil change and that my car is probably trying to notify me of this fact.
Fortunately there's a Jiffy Lube right there, so I pull in. And as the guy is coming up to my car I tell him "My car dial is on H and I think there's something wrong with it" and he doesn't even look at the car (which is now making very unhappy noises) "You should turn off your car right now! It sounds like you've blown a rod" - I didn't know my car *had* a rod! Anyway.... the guys at the Jiffy Lube tell me there's something bad about my car... terms like "head gasket" and "coolant" and "water line" are bandied about... the only part I understood was when they said "If you keep driving - your engine will blow up." I decided to believe them. They pushed my car over to the parking lot & gave me a recommendation for a mechanic. FUCK!!!
I *had* plans to go to breakfast tomorrow morning with the Hat Attack knitters... but it's not looking like that's going to happen now. Crap. =(
Since there was nothing more I could do, I just took the bus home. Remember how I oh so cavalierly decided to head out sans winter coat? Now I'm stuck with the prospect of waiting god knows how long for a bus out in the cold. Fortunately I had the good sense to dress warmly today anyway and I never leave the house in the winter without a wool hat.... so I didn't freeze to death or anything but still. I hate being cold.
So I stopped for some chinese food when I had to transfer busses downtown and check out what my fortune cookie says:
(although WTH kind of ice cream is "blue bunny"???? They used to have Ben & Jerry's!)
I still say February sucks ass.... but at least it's the shortest month.
And DUDE! My spell checker isn't working (duh... someone was talking about that in the blogosphere the other day) forgive allllll my misspellings. Count it towards the cumulative ass-suckingness of the month.
- Someone I "knew" online died from a crappy disease. I didn't know her well (even in online terms) but I knew she had two small children, and mothers with little babies just should not die from crappy diseases... it just shouldn't be allowed!
- Other people I know have had crap hands dealt to them recently - in one case not getting a (well deserved!!) promotion, and in another dealing with family stuff that is just shitty & unfair.
- The weather's been gloomy & horrid all over... which is not in and of itself a reason to get cranky... but I think it adds to the overall suckitude of February.
And on a more personal note:
- Today I royally fucked up at work. ROYALLY! And it's completely, absolutely, inexcusibly, 100% my fault (well, maybe 99% my fault... but pretty much entirely my fault). I'm not going to go into details about what happened, but it was completely due to being a moron and will mostly likely result in a loss of $500,000. OUCH!! (as an aside I remember working as an accountant and not being able to balance my account... I'd be off by an annoying amount like $7.82 or $39.46 but I'd comfort myself by saying "screw it - I'd pay that much not to have to find it" I would find it eventually, but it made me feel better knowing that it wasn't *that* big of a deal.... this $500,000 is a pretty big deal)
- After work I really should have just gone to bed, but I figured I would go run some errands so I wouldn't feel like the day was a complete waste. I was going to treat myself to some genuinely evil fast food (criss-cut fries in ranch dressing... oh yeah), then go grocery shopping. Feeling rebelious I decided not to wear a coat (sometimes, I just get sick of wearing my big ol' winter coat). I figured I'd only have to walk from my car to Carls Jr. or from the car to the grocery store. Oh man did the universe have something else in store for me!
As I'm driving down the street my car's "your lights are on" bell starts dinging. I'm thinking WTF - I *know* my lights are on - it's dark out! So I turn my lights out and back on and the thing stops dinging. My first thought is that the dinger is broken because it rarely if *ever* actually successfully notifies me that I've left my lights on - which is why I have to carry jumper cables in my car. ANYWAY I stop at a light, start going again and the dinger starts dinging again. I'm looking at all the lights on my dash trying to figure out if there's an actual problem - but the 'check engine' light isn't on. The dinger stops... then starts again after another light. I'm getting pissed off when I finally realize the dial thingy is all the way on H which I assume means my car is "hot" although, honestly I have NO idea what that means. I also realize that I'm a few hundred miles overdue for an oil change and that my car is probably trying to notify me of this fact.
Fortunately there's a Jiffy Lube right there, so I pull in. And as the guy is coming up to my car I tell him "My car dial is on H and I think there's something wrong with it" and he doesn't even look at the car (which is now making very unhappy noises) "You should turn off your car right now! It sounds like you've blown a rod" - I didn't know my car *had* a rod! Anyway.... the guys at the Jiffy Lube tell me there's something bad about my car... terms like "head gasket" and "coolant" and "water line" are bandied about... the only part I understood was when they said "If you keep driving - your engine will blow up." I decided to believe them. They pushed my car over to the parking lot & gave me a recommendation for a mechanic. FUCK!!!
I *had* plans to go to breakfast tomorrow morning with the Hat Attack knitters... but it's not looking like that's going to happen now. Crap. =(
Since there was nothing more I could do, I just took the bus home. Remember how I oh so cavalierly decided to head out sans winter coat? Now I'm stuck with the prospect of waiting god knows how long for a bus out in the cold. Fortunately I had the good sense to dress warmly today anyway and I never leave the house in the winter without a wool hat.... so I didn't freeze to death or anything but still. I hate being cold.
So I stopped for some chinese food when I had to transfer busses downtown and check out what my fortune cookie says:
"You should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire"... not "You are able to..." or even "You will be able to..." but "You should be able to..." As in... yeah you should be able to undertake and complete anything you desire, but you won't because you're too much of a moron to know how to read a calendar or take proper care of your car! Guilt trip from a fortune cookie - just what I needed. It's possible I'm reading a bit too much into the cookie... I do that.
Anyway. I'm now back at home. Sally is curled up at my feet and I realize that as crappy as today was, it's hardly the end of the world.
- My awesome boss did *not* fire me, even though I totally think she had every right to. In fact she didn't even yell, but launched into "how can we fix this, and how can we make sure this never happens again" mode, which is why she's the most awesome boss in the world.
- In addition to not being fired, today was payday and I know I'll be able to pay for whatever repairs are necessary to my car.
- The gods were kind and decided not to send freezing rain down on my unjacketed self... and it was actually not intollerably cold out.
- Trimet... for once *was* on time, so I didn't have to wait indefinately at the dark & unfamiliar bus stop. In fact, I feel fortunate to live someplace where the public transport (although FAR from perfect) is fairly adequate and even if I decide not to fix my car, I'll be able to get around well enough without it for a while.
- And I am most thankful that the Plaid Pantry across the street from my bus stop at home sells both alcohol and chocolate ice cream!
(although WTH kind of ice cream is "blue bunny"???? They used to have Ben & Jerry's!)
I still say February sucks ass.... but at least it's the shortest month.
And DUDE! My spell checker isn't working (duh... someone was talking about that in the blogosphere the other day) forgive allllll my misspellings. Count it towards the cumulative ass-suckingness of the month.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Cover Girls
I've been noticing something lately. Whenever I see popular magazines, I can never identify the woman on the cover. Now I know I have some face-to-name memory problems, and regularly call people I know by the wrong name... but this is different. I'll be looking at the picture and have *no* clue who it is. This would make sense if I had no TV, but I do and I'll admit to watching Access Hollywood and other celebrity shows - I know who the big stars are. So I don't think it's that.
I know that photographers & magazine editors have always done whatever tricks they could to make their stars & models look better than they do in real life... but I think we've finally gotten to the point where they just make them all look identical! Check it out:
Is it just me or do they look identical? All of them have the same shade of blonde hair, all have the exact same shade of skin, the exact same teeth, the same noses. It's freaking me out! It's one thing to want a good picture... but now they don't even look like *people* they all just look like generic barbie dolls. CREEPY!!!!!
So I bought BUST. She's airbrushed, but at least I could tell who it was!
I know that photographers & magazine editors have always done whatever tricks they could to make their stars & models look better than they do in real life... but I think we've finally gotten to the point where they just make them all look identical! Check it out:
Is it just me or do they look identical? All of them have the same shade of blonde hair, all have the exact same shade of skin, the exact same teeth, the same noses. It's freaking me out! It's one thing to want a good picture... but now they don't even look like *people* they all just look like generic barbie dolls. CREEPY!!!!!So I bought BUST. She's airbrushed, but at least I could tell who it was!
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