Thursday, July 31, 2008

Sacrifice

Websters defines sacrifice as an offering, or to give something valued for a thing considered more valuable.

That word came to me the other day as I was sorting through my CDs & DVDs. I'd already sold a majority of my collection was trying to fit my favorites into a carrying case. I was trying to decide if I really needed to keep the Bonus Features to the Harry Potter films. It just struck me then that I was going to have to make some sacrifices in order to move to Thailand. Now the matter of the DVDs was trivial in the extreme. I'm confident I could live a long & fulfilling life without seeing an interview with the 11 year old Daniel Radcliff ever again. But the word stuck with me.

I'm sacrificing a lot for this adventure, my very steady & well paying job, my apartment full of familiar, comfortable furniture, a lot of my craft projects, my first car, my life in the city I've grown to love, the ability to understand nearly everyone and everything around me, regular contact with my friends and family, and I knew at that time that I would also have to sacrifice little Sally for this plan.

I'd been agonizing over it for a while now, and although I tried to find her a new home, I knew she would be difficult if not impossible to place. As much as I love her, she's got a lot of health & care issues that I wouldn't wish on another person... especially not when the Humane Society is busting at the seams with healthy little kittens. Sally had a good run of things, as good a life as any cat could expect. She got to play outside and nap in the sun, she caught birds & mice, slept on a big comfy bed and had all her needs attended to, and she got to be the only cat on her turf - which suited her just fine. I knew that having her put to sleep was going to be difficult, but the whole process ended up being more difficult than I had anticipated. It took some work to find a vet who would do a home euthanasia. So she was able to die in her bed, without having to deal with getting carsick or being barked at by dogs in the lobby of the vet's office. She got to hang out in her yard for a while, and was as calm and comfortable as possible until the end.


I know it was the right decision, and I know I gave Sally a good life for the nearly 10 years she lived with me. It's still hard to have to make that kind of decision, and now I miss my Sally - girl. It's strange to be sitting on the couch and not have her curled up next to me. It's odd to be laying in bed and not eventually feel the weight of her jumping up to snuggle down with me. Every time I walk into a different room I half expect to see her there. So this was the biggest sacrifice I've had to make.

I think all these tangible and intangible sacrifices have been part of why I haven't been able to express too much enthusiasm for the move. I'm giving up a lot of very valuable, meaningful, familiar things to have an experience that I can only hope will be worth it. It's a huge risk and right now I'm up to my ears in the sacrifice part and the pay off part is literally half a world away. I know... or at least hope... that once I'm there all of these sacrifices are going to feel small in comparison to what I'm going to gain in life experience, but right now it is not easy.

13 comments:

d said...

ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod

unbearable.

jovaliquilts said...

What a horribly difficult decision to make. I have never heard of being able to have your pet put down at home; how much better for both of you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Beverly said...

I have tears in my eyes thinking of how hard of a decision that must have been for you. I haven't checked into the Knittyboard in a few days, but I knew you were struggling with what to do. It's a decision that I don't think I could make myself, but I completely understand your reasons. Rest in peace, Sally.

mlle b said...

Oh, my friend. What a hard time of it. Sally was well-loved and taken care of by you and I'm glad you had a chance to send her off in comfort. And I'm so sorry this has all been a difficult experience -- it's never easy to leave and I think you're handling things with an immense amount of grace and courage. Keep your chin up!

Libby said...

:( :( :( :(

I'm sooooo sorry :(

Michael5000 said...

Oh!

gl. said...

oh. wow. oh. what a hard decision to make. goodbye, sally! *waves*

Bezzie said...

I thought about you all last night and how hard not having her around had to have been/is. Sally had a good life and a good mama.

fiberfollies said...

My heart goes out to you in your sorrow. Your compassion is inspiring, for you acted with no thought to yourself. Sally is at peace after a good life with you. You gave her a happy death, she never had to feel fear or anger. It was a sad but gentle good-bye. Hugs to you. What a loving kitty mum you are.

marissa said...

:( rest in peace, sweet sally kitty. :(
i'm glad you were able to make it so comfortable for her. everyone should be able to go in peace and comfort at home with their family.

IrishgirlieKnits said...

Oh, big hugs. I can't imagine how hard that decision must have been. I'm so sorry. Sally had a very long and good life with you. You must miss her a lot.

Sue, aka seiding said...

Yes, it's one of the hardest decisions we have to make. I know how hard. Take comfort in the fact that Sally knew she was loved and lived a good life with you. Many hugs.

Karin said...

{{{{{Hugs to you.}}}}}