I'm fine.

Thanks to eveyone who posted happy links in the comments yesterday. I spent the better part of today in bed looking at awkward family photos and some very hungry turtles. I've been having a rough go of things lately. There's nothing huge... just an endless list of little things that have been wearing me down.


I hated that I only had one day off a week, but it was fine, really because I wasn't working that many hours. Sunday was for 'doing things' and I could relax during the downtime on my easy days.


I hated my Saturday classes, but it was fine because that was just Saturday. The rest of the week was adult classes.



But then I got another kid class... and now two more. I now have five young learner classes, and am teaching kids 6 days a week. It is more draining than even I could have imagined. Coming up with new activities day after day after day. And it's one on one with three of the kids, so I can't even make them write up role-plays or do discussion activities together. It's a nightmare for me.

But even that was fine... because I didn't have a full load of classes. I can't turn down classes if I'm working under a full-time load. So, fine fine fine. I'll adjust, I'll deal, no problem, mai bpen lai.

But this month two of my old classes started up again, and now I'm working overtime, tons and tons of overtime. There's 130 teaching hours on my schedule for this month, my contract is for 100 hours a month. So this is a lot more than I'm used to. And teaching hours doesn't equal 'working hours' as I don't get paid for my prep time, or time I spend grading exams or writing progress reports. And it doesn't really reflect the days when I have to start classes at 9:00 and don't finish until 8:30pm.

It's really taking a lot out of me, but again... it's fine, it's fine it's fine. Because I've been worried about money and all the extra hours will help make up for the fact that I haven't saved as much money as I had hoped.

I never liked not having my own classroom, but it was fine. Keep it simple, just bring my materials to class every day - no problem. Except that I'm accumulating more and more and more stuff for my kid classes (a box of markers & pencils, stick puppets for dialogues, glue, scissors, markers, magazines for collages etc. It's taking me two trips to set up the classroom. Fine fine fine... not worth complaining about. But now they're rearranging all the classrooms. They've taken the big conference table out of the room where I teach a class of 9 (I like teaching at a conference table, sitting like an equal with my students), and replaced it with desks (which I hate because they're not set up for pair work and a pain in the ass to move around). Then they've moved the conference room into the room where I teach my one five year old girl. Whereas we used to have one table and plenty of room to walk around and do activities "fly to the [picture of a] bird... swim to the river.... hop to the bunny." we now have two tables and barely enough room to maneuver around them.

They can't really do anything about the rooms because they're preparing for an influx of new corporate students, and they'll need to accomodate a lot of students in each class. Fine fine fine fine fine. Whatever... mai bpen lai... adjust adjust adjust. But as of Saturday the manager decided to change the kitchen into another student lounge... but has locked the staff bathroom because it would be tacky to have a bathroom near where the students hang out. Gah!!!! So now when I'm spending 12 hours a day at the school I have to hike upstairs to the student bathrooms... which inexplicably have the toilet paper rolls *outside* the bathroom. Because somehow it's not tacky to have to gather your TP in the hallway right outside your classroom before going into the bathroom. No that's not tacky at all. But it's fine fine fine because now I'm going to be leaving in a month and a half. Not worth getting into a stink about.

I miss Bunny & Bobby, and I'm pretty lonely here with no real friends to hang out with. But you know, it was okay because I was still somewhat social with the other teachers. Except that a couple of situations have moved some of these casual friendships from 'tolerable & occasionally fun' to 'unpleasant but occasionally tolerable.' So I don't even have anyone to bitch about all these petty grievances with.

It's profoundly ironic actually, I speak to people all day long, but I don't have anyone to talk to. And with no one to talk to, no one to help me unravel all my experiences...they all just get locked into an obsessive track in my brain. People, the crazies have come out, and it's starting to get ugly. It's one thing to talk to yourself, it's another thing to talk to yourself in public.... but now I find myself walking around arguing with myself... out loud... in public. And then I catch myself doing it, realize that I've crossed into crazy-town and start either laughing or crying or both. And then I tell myself that I'm okay... I'm okay, I'm just having a bad day. But I don't believe myself, because I've been having a lot of bad days lately. And then I realize that I'm arguing with myself again.

I'm ready to go home. I feel like I hit my peak at the 8 month mark and it's been a slow decent since then. The bad days are starting to outnumber the good days and the good days just aren't as good as they were before. But I don't really have a 'home' to go to right now. When I do get back to the states it's going to take a bit of work to create a home for myself again.... and I'm not looking forward to that. Well, except for the people speaking English part... I am looking forward to that.... and the cheese. I am *definitely* looking forward to the cheese.

Rebel gets Rebelious

People often* ask me how I got the nickname Rebel. Well, gentle reader it's because of days like today:


I am NOT going to take a shower this morning!


That's right ladies and gentlemen. I've been taking 2-3 showers a day for I don't know how long and I'm done.** I am just not going to take a shower this morning. I've put on my shorts & tank*** top and I'm on my way.


FIGHT THE MAN!****





TAG: Code Bananas





* and by 'often' I mean 'never'

** I will probably take a shower as soon as I get home.

*** and swimsuit, as I'm headed to the beach right now.

**** I have no idea who 'the man' is.

Dream Interpretation anyone?

Really strange dream last night: I was in .... Oregon? and was going to Seattle with a friend - not a particularly close friend btw, G-man for anyone who remembers him. In order to get into Seattle, we needed to cross a bridge. We didn't have a car, there were no buses, and we didn't want to pay for a taxi. There was a new 'ride' that could get us across the bridge.

Basically, it's just a little flat car that goes along on some kind of train track. The thing is, there were no seats, there were no seat belts, there were no handles, you just sit down one behind the other - motorbike taxi style - and go. For some reason, the bridge was insanely steep, like roller-coaster steep. And we start going and suddenly I'm laying back practically upside-down, holding onto the car & my friend for dear life. The car goes up up up, then down down down - I'm terrified the entire time. Then we land in Seattle, and there's a little gift shop with glittery head-bands. I can't remember what, if anything we did in Seattle. But when it was time to go home, I had the same quandry.

Having been on the rollercoaster, I didn't want to do it again. My friend was a big fan and really wanted to go again. I asked if there were songthaews around, or a taxi... but there was nothing. I hemmed & hawed for a while before asking if there wasn't a subway. There was a subway.... but it went to NJ (because suddenly Seattle was New York or something) and we'd have to take a bus back to whereever it was we were trying to go... presumably Portland. Hmm... there was some issue with money at some point but I don't even remember what it was. But finally we decide to take the subway, we go down and there are these nice comfy couch-like seats (ala the BART in SF) and in addition, the staff came around with pillows.

Eventually I got 'home'... although I'm not sure which city it was, or where my actual home was. Then I woke up.

Anyone care to hazard an interpretatin? I guess, in the interest of full disclosure: I was operating on maybe 3 hours sleep over the previous 3 days, and had had a beer then took a benedryl before going to bed. So maybe not a purely spontaneous dream there.

Beauty and the Beast

TAG - I'm bringing it back to Code Mango... life is good today.


First off, it is with both deep pride and thinly veiled bitterness that I announce that I was named Vice Dork of 2008 DorkFest. Despite digging deep to reveal my inner dork, Rex Parker got top honors. Feel free to comment on one of his two truly dorky blogs and tell him you think I was robbed. ;)


Onward! There are a few very large ornamental pots/planters in front of my apartment, they're all filled with rainwater, guppies and greenery. Today I noticed a lotus flower and just had to take a picture.

Beauty

I have a really easy schedule at work this week. There's a big holiday on the 23rd... it's King Chulalongkorn Day; the anniversary of the death of one of Thailand's most revered kings. He is credited for bringing Thailand into the modern era, opening the first modern hospitals, establishing the railroad & postal system, and abolishing slavery. He also ended the practice of prostrating oneself in front of the king. So, all around a King well worth celebrating. I only have the 23rd off, but three of my classes were canceled because the students will be taking a long weekend. So instead of my marathon three classes today from 2-9pm, I only had two. I had plenty of time to eat breakfast, get to school to do some lesson planning, then head to Tesco Lotus to pick up a few things before heading back for my classes.


While I was at Tesco that now familiar monsoon rain started. It just pounds, the noise is really amazing. I knew it would stop within an hour, and I had a couple of hours before my class so I just hung out and had lunch.

The Beast

I can only assume that this is the Thai interpretation of a Grilled Ham & Cheese sandwich*. First off... they use this weird cheese type product that I just can't identify. It's creamy, and vaguely cheese tasting... but it's neither a flavor nor a consistency I'm familiar with. It's processed, that's for sure, and probably doesn't actually contain any dairy... but it's not altogether bad. The ham is identifiably ham. And the whole thing is, yes, breaded & deep fried. Yup. It's kind of weird, and not something I would normally eat... but it's got it's merits. Being a bread-based meal is one major merit, and not containing fish-sauce is the other. Today was the first day I had this particular sandwich; they also make a 'croque monseuir' that's got the same basic componants but instead of being deep fried, I think it's just sauted in some kind of herb butter. It's pretty tasty.


Now, here is the irony of the day: After eating that fat-o-rama sandwich, and while still waiting for the rain to let up I wandered over to one of those electronic scales and for 1 baht found out that I've dropped about 8 kilos (17 lbs) while in Thailand. As much as I complained about the food situation last week, I do actually eat here. It's just that I generally eat like a Thai person. My consumption of soda has decreased dramatically, and I just can't get the junk food that I love back home. Yeah, I've had KFC** a couple times and will jump at any opportunity to eat french fries... but most of the time I'm eating stir fry, with actual rice, meat and veggies. I eat far fewer processed foods, and overall I just eat less because I don't have a kitchen. I have a hot pot, and I could buy a fridge if I really wanted to... but for now I think it's better for me not to keep a lot of food in my apartment.


You know, humans are hunter/gatherers. My whole body and brain have evolved (or were designed - as you will) to spend a good portion of each day looking for and obtaining food. It's natural. Having a stockpile of calories at arms reach 24 hours a day is not natural, and was not good for me. If you look at the ever expanding waistline of the average American, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that something is wrong. I'm living proof, that it's not about will power... or at least not entirely. It's about lifestyle and environment and as many external factors as internal ones. I don't know if I'll continue to lose weight, or if - now that I'm settled - I'll just start leveling out again. I'm trying not to worry about it, because, oddly enough - obsessing about one's weight doesn't actually burn that many calories!


























*Did anyone notice that it came in a plastic bag? They're sold in a bakery section where you grab a cafeteria tray and a pair of tongs, you put your food on the tray, and when you pay for it, they wrap it in a little sandwich bag, and then put it in another little grocery bag. The bags! The bags! They're everywhere!!!


** Interestingly, they don't have the same menu at the KFC here as they do back home. Notably lacking are biscuits =( and coleslaw. So basically it's chicken, french fries & coke (plus a couple of novelty items I don't understand... 'shrimp rings' for example). But man, the chicken here is worlds better than what they make at KFC back home... not sure what the secret is.

Breakfast of champions + further (albeit unnecessary) proof of my dorkiness

I'm happy to tell you that the mysterious mass-restaurant closure appears to be over. Yesterday while the electricians were working on my "hong naam fai see-a" issue I actually got to eat real food. Actually, the restaurant I wanted to go to was still closed... but I think maybe it was just too early. Anyway I ended up going back to the place where the girls had laughed at me. I dont' think I can adequately describe how much I was dreading going back there. But as you know I was pretty dang hungry.


This time I took the "nee arai" (what's that) approach and it worked okay. I noticed that here was a display with three different pots of soup near the front of the restaurant, so I just walked up and pointed to the most appetizing looking one and said "nee arai" - of course I don't know what the heck they said... but I smiled and nodded and indicated "one serving" and sat down. They then proceeded to bring me all these dishes. You know... there are a lot of things I *want* to take picture of, but I'm just so self conscious already... so I just sneak a shot here and there...and the quality shows. Seriously though, I dare you to go into a new restaurant, ALONE, and start taking pictures of the food and tell me how you feel.

Let's see what we've got here going clockwise from the lower left: little nests of thin rice noodles, the main dish - a yellow coconut curry with chicken, green veggies- mint, basil, long green beans, white sprouts, and shredded cabbage, um... other misc toppings sliced green onions, cucumbers, pickles, and maybe carmelized onion... not really sure, and finally the dish where you put it all together. Yeah... not quite scrambled eggs and toast. It ended up being really good, but a bit spicier than I generally want my breakfast to be. But, you know, not bad for less than $2.

McLOL

Ok... we need names for clarification... there's the restaurant where they laughed at me - "McLOL", the place where I've practiced my Thai - "Thai101", the little restaurant on the other street that's basically an extention of the family's living room, let's call it a "B&B", and the restaurant right behind the school, which unfortunately I'll have to call "The Dive".

Thai 101

So with access to food again things were looking up. I only had two classes today (which just gives me a bit of breathing room to plan for tomorrow)... the first one at 2pm. So I went to the B&B for breakfast. All of the restaurants I go to are family affairs, and I generally just give my order to whomever is looking at me when I sit down. So far this has worked okay. Today however... today I let my little farang dork shine. I get to the restaurant and I say hello to the cook and the other lady who work there. I sit down at an empty table. A familiar looking man comes over, smiling, and says something to me. Of course I don't know what he's saying, so I tell him what I want to eat. He smiles and says something else.... I smile and he walks away. A moment or two later the cook looks at me, expectantly and I repeat my order to her. Then I notice the first guy sit down at a table nearby and start eating and talking to a little girl. I've seen a little girl here at the B&B sitting on the couch in her living room watching TV... but this is not that girl. And soon enough the man and the little girl get onto his motorbike and drive away. Only after he leaves do I realize this isn't the dad who owns this restaurant... it's the soup guy from across the street from my school. D'Oh!


So let's recap from his perspective. You notice a new woman in your neighborhood - she's come into your place of business once or twice. One day, you're out having a nice meal with your kids. You notice the new gal and go over to say hi to her. "How do you like our city?" you ask (or some other general small-talky thing beyond 'hello') and she replies to you "I'd like a burger and a coke please." Double D'oh!


If that doesn't win me the crown for Dorkfest... I'm not sure what will.


TAG - Code Pineapple... if I haven't mentioned it twenty times already - I have two new classes with young learners tomorrow - three hours each.

If you're a dork and you know it, clap your hands!

Michael 5000, whom you may know from his awesome blog: The Life & Times of Michael 5000 (the internet's preeminent provider of difficult pop quizzes on arbitrary topics ...and glib little posts about creative arts and dork culture) is hosting the second annual Dorkfest! Go on over and check out the submissions. I encourage you to revel in your inner dorkiness by participating. Last year I chickened out... I still felt that being a dork was a bad thing. But I was heartened by the many posts and along with the other changes in my life recently I have decided to fully embrace my dorkiness. If I'm going to be a dork... I may as well try to be the dorkiest dang dork in town. Or you know... in Thailand.

Herein lies my submission for Dorkfest 2008:


To start with, I looked up the definition of “Dork” in multiple places to have an accurate operational definition from which to plead my case. I was unsatisfied with the definitions given as they don’t make a clear distinction between nerd & dork so I made up my own definition. To be a dork, one must have some obsessive traits, a hobby or quirk that is not generally accepted by mainstream society, and also display some degree of overall social ineptitude. Dorks share with nerds an interest in ‘school subjects’ (math, science, history) but unlike nerds are not necessarily experts in those fields. They think string theory is cool… but couldn’t tell you how you exactly how it works. They read XKCD, but only get about half the references.

Now that I've created my own operational definition... here are the ways in which I'm a complete and total dork.

Obsessive traits:

I read a book walking too and from work every day for a year to avoid talking to my neighbor.

The X-Files was an obsession of mine for several years. I read many X-Phile fan sites and even wrote my own, extremely crappy fan-fiction for it. When it jumped the shark I suffered intense emotional trauma that I have only recently begun to overcome.

Hobbies and quirks:

Knitting, quilting & embroidery are my major hobbies. Which I'll admit have come into vogue as hip & funky crafts... but I did needlework back when it was full-on dork-o-rama. I finished this piece in college. Yes, while my classmates were out drinking & getting stoned, I was cross-stitching.

I decoupage.

I look up new foods on Wikipedia before I try them… (and am now afraid to eat the persimmon I picked up at the market for fear of intestinal adhesions.)

This blog has 30 posts devoted to "Caturday".

Parades make me cry for joy.

I love Swing Dancing, and have a profound respect for Square Dancing & Clogging as part of our American cultural heritage.

Not only did I participate in Nanowrimo 2007, I completed my novella and printed out my certificate for posterity. I even bought the mug.

Wanna-be nerd factor:

I love watching documentaries. PBS was my favorite channel before I got cable, then it became the history & science channels. Basically, if the names Neil deGrasse Tyson or Ken Burns appear in the credits - I'll watch it. But unlike a nerd, I am unable to recall any of the pertinent information when necessary... say for a Thursday quiz. ;)

My favorite punctuation mark is the points of ellipses … could it be replaced by new-comer the interobang!?

I have a favorite punctuation mark.

I use blue-tooth technology to access the internet, and yet still have an AOL email account.
(the distinction being, a nerd would have a g-mail account, or better yet, some new fancy account I've never heard of)

Social ineptitude: (this is where my inner dork shines shines shines)

I showed up for my CELTA course orientation dressed in teacher clothes full skirt and button down top – everyone else was in shorts & flip flops.

I participate in the dork community – I read both Boing Boing and WWDN and XKCD on a regular basis.

I have more than 15 pieces of flair on my facebook account.

I made it to #4 ranking for number of posts on my online knitting forum then changed my user account at the new year. It’s took nearly 6 months for someone to overtake my #4 spot, and another two to drop me down to #6.

Let’s break that down, shall we:

1. I belong to an online knitting forum. a) knitting is still considered dorky by a great many people, b) it’s an online craft forum.

2. I posted so much I earned the #4 spot for total posts.

3. I was so far ahead of my competition, that even after I started posting under a different account, the old account held it’s position for MONTHS.

4. I check the total-post rankings

5. I check the total post rankings on a user account I don’t even use anymore!

6. I just did the math and if I’d kept using that account, I’d still be #4.

And for the record… it’s one of four online craft communities that I belong to.

I have more friends online than I do IRL and I have not actually been on a date since Dorkfest 2007. =/

I currently live in what is quite possibly the most beautiful and amazing country in Asia, and yet I spend hours - HOURS a day in my room, in front of my computer, reading blogs & playing Spider Solitaire.

Now this should be an Olympic event...

Synchronized leg waxing that is. There’s also a team event… who knew?

Okay, anyone who doesn’t want to hear about the intimate details of my leg hair can stop reading now and move on… but this was my first professional leg waxing so I wanted to report on it for posterity. Like most American women I've had the whole wax-all-over-the-bathroom attempt at waxing, but I’ve never had more than my eyebrows waxed at a salon so I really didn’t know what to expect.

I do know that I hate shaving and, benefit of being solo, at different points in my life I’ve gone months and months and *months* without shaving my legs. I actually like the way my legs feel all furry, but this is Thailand, I’m supposed to be wearing a skirt & looking professional, so I figured I’d have to start shaving. I did just that about a month ago, shaved off all my luxurious leg hair and had smooth beautiful legs for exactly one day. The next day I had stubble, and the next day I tried to shave again, cut my legs all to pieces, had major irritation, and by day four I was developing ingrown hairs. LOVELY!

When I got here I noticed that there are salons EVERYWHERE and waxing (and every other service) is significantly cheaper than in the US – about $15 for a half-leg wax (we’re not even going to talk about what some women have subjected themselves to – I’m only willing to submit to torture from the knee down!). So I finally went today, and I swear I have never in my life had so many people pay so much attention to my legs.

First the proprietress of the shop comes up and I tell her I need to have my legs waxed, doing a little demo so she understands I only want from the knees down. She bends down and pats my legs down… nice and scruffy! OK!

So she brings me into the back room and another woman comes in and asks if I want hot wax or cold wax, and rubs my legs to confirm where I’m getting waxed. I’m not at all familiar with cold wax so I asked for hot. When I’ve had my eyebrows done it’s always a nice soothing warm feeling – just enough to lull you into a very false & very temporary sense of comfort followed by a brief but near blinding pain… dulling to a bit of a trob for a few minutes – then … pretty pretty eyebrows for a week. =) But then that girl leaves and two more girls come in. For a moment I was relieved because one of the girls was a bit chubby and I always feel more comfortable when with my kind. (she was still way thinner than I… but you know, better than the other girl who looked a swift wind would carry her off).

They have me lie down (“You sleep, okay?” was the instruction) and each take a leg and have their turn groping. First comes the wax oooh… nice & warm) then they simultaneously rip off 8 layers of my skin. Now… for those of you who saw The 40 Year Old Virgin… this is what I have to say. Yes the chest is a more sensitive area than the legs – but Steve Carrell is a big wuss. It hurts, but it’s nothing to scream about. And off they go, wax, pat down the strip (at times far more vigorously than I would have prefered), pull. There sychronization went off pretty quickly (low marks girls!) and soon I was trying to twist one leg one way and the other in the opposite direction all while trying to remain as dignified as possible given the situation.

The thing is… I’m guessing that my leg hair – while long enough to frighten small children, was not long enough to be getting waxed. It took a VERY long time and involved a LOT of wax and going over the same area much more than once. The chubby gal became significantly more vigorous in her patting down the wax strips and was fairly punching me at some point. I think she was still in training though because then ANOTHER woman comes in and joins in the fun – so now it’s a team event! At different points during the event the proprietress and the first girl also peak their heads in on me again. In addition to my leg hair being probably shorter than it should have been, they were having issues with the wax-roller thing and had to use the little wooden spatula type things to spread the wax. Oh lord… I started to get more than a little embarrassed that my leg hair required a group effort and it just took forever.

Finally, finally it was over… underneath all the fuzz I apparently still had some slightly ingrown hairs that they couldn’t get to (try as they might!), but I was at least smooth enough for a classroom setting. But now my legs are all red & I think I’m even working on a couple bruises from their "enthusiasm". Such is the price we pay for beauty right?

I think I’m going to go back to the Sasquash look, I’ll tell all the student’s its the new trend in America. =P

Wow

What Your Name Means

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous. You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things. Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I don't even know where to begin discussing how wrong this analysis is! While my nickname is Rebel... it's meant in the most ironic sense.

Tons of Energy? On a given evening I will spend at least two hours on the couch watching TV with a cat on my lap.

Strive for Perfection? Anyone who's seen my crafts up close know that's not true.

Bold & Daring... well, sometimes I wear flip-flops when it's raining.

The agony & the ectasy... and the irony

The agony & the ecstasy … and the irony.

Little known fact about Rebel: I love to sing. I was in Choir for all four years of high school… and church choir for a couple of years, and even a couple semesters in college. Times when my car stereo was broken (or stolen… I’m on my third stereo in this car!), I amused myself by singing… loudly. Ah… if only my love of singing was matched by my talent. Alas… no! Oh yeah… and I don’t know that many songs. So I tend to sing a) patriotic songs b) Christmas songs c) (when I get really desperate) kid songs.

Recently PBS did a special on Pete Seeger & folk songs. It really inspired me. I totally think there should be more singing in day to day life, more folk songs, more bar songs, more lullabies, more serenades. So all of that was mulling around in my brain when I read this post (Yes, I blame Pam!) and the few lines that I remembered from the Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat soundtrack went on an endless loop in my brain. In between choruses of “Give me my colored coat, my amazing colored coat” the idea struck me – WHY DON’T I OWN MORE SOUNDTRACKS????


I set out on a quest to pick up the soundtrack to Joseph… but couldn’t find it (at the two or three places I remembered to look) so I went on Amazon.com and went… a tiny bit crazy. Just a tiny bit.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat – my favorite musical of all time.
The Essential Pete Seeger – a great survey of folk music.
The Sound of Music – because I have confidence in confidence alone… but can never remember the rest of the words. ;)
Annie – ah… an important part of the American cultural experience, the musical that made an entire generation of girls wish their parents would die in a fiery car crash. ;)


Ecstasy!!! All my favorite musicals, wending their way to me. Oh, and since I spent so much – Free Shipping! Yay!



Except… free shipping is slow… sooo slow… agonizingly slow! I waited… and waited. Eventually three of them showed up… but Joseph was going to be shipped separately. NO!! I’ve still got half songs stuck in my head – it’s not fair!


Finally… finally… just today Joseph shows up. Ecstasy!

Except… phase 2 of my cold has also shown up – laryngitis! I can barely speak, let alone sing. So I’m stuck listening to my favorite sing-a-long music and the best I can do is lip sync. The irony…oh the irony.

Sisters

I really don’t need to say much more than that do I? Well, I’m gonna anyway.

The Good Sister (aged 6) & The Baby (me)

My sister… the good sister… is coming to visit next week. This is an unprecedented event.

Several times a year since coming to my graduation (in 1997!) the good sister has commented to me “I’m going to try to come visit you in Oregon this year.” But never has. I’ve flown out *many* times to visit her – about every other year or so. While I was still in college she got married, then started having kids, and the whole family moved out to Tennessee, so it’s always just been easier for me to do the traveling. So let me repeat – this is an unprecedented event.

The two of us had a fairly normal relationship as kids (normal in that we fought near-constantly). As adults we've gotten along relatively well. You know - in 15 minute phone calls and bi-annual visits. I'm still 'the baby' though... and there's more than a little sibling rivalry. She's got the fantastic marriage & beautiful kids, but I have a lot more expendable cash than she does. You know... the grass is always greener.

I’ve got some plans as to what to do while she’s here – show her off to my office, take her downtown – to Saturday Market, go out to a McMenamins… all those kinds of Portlandy things. So I think I've got activities covered... but she'll be staying with me in my tiny one bedroom apartment and that'll make for a fair amount of one-on-one time. Time for her to give me tons of unsolicited advice and ask me invasive questions about my (lack of) personal life. This is after all the woman who once gave me a card on our birthday that said "You may be younger than I... but at least I was married by your age."

Yeah... this is gonna be great.

Death and Taxes

Fair warning – this post is going to get a bit morbid and depressing and will probably offend someone. If you’re just here for the crafts…skip this post. Also – I have no point.

My mom has this expression that I just love. Whenever we would hear on the news about this percent of people dying of such and such disease or that such & such increases your risk of dying by whatever percent - she would kinda laugh and say “Well guess what? 100% of people die!” I’m pretty sure I’ve adopted her pragmatic view of death. We’re all gonna die someday so there’s not much point getting all worked up about it, or scared, or go to insane lengths to avoid it. Neither of us have a death wish. We wear our seat-belts and go to the doctor and make sure there’s a non-slip mat in the shower. But she’s made it clear that if she were ever really sick or injured she wouldn’t want to be kept on life support indefinitely… and neither would I. Now she has a firm belief in an afterlife… and if there is a heaven I know she’s earned her place. Even though I’m less sure of what happens after we die, I am comfortable with the idea of the great sleep, of my existence finally coming to an end (hopefully not anytime soon – there are plenty more things I’d like to do first!) and decomposing back into the earth – pushing up daisies – oooh or daffodils! Well, actually I’d rather be buried at sea… but still the idea of ashes to ashes is something I can deal with.

It seems to me that we live in a culture where death is feared and to be avoided at ANY cost. Doctors come up with painful and invasive ways of diagnosing and treating diseases. People whose natural lives should, by all rights, be over linger on with feeding tubes and life support machines. To me – that’s not life! (eta - I was watching this show on PBS where they kept talking about ways to avoid "premature death" as though somehow we were all entitled to live to be 80-90-100 if only we consume enough omega-6 fatty acids and avoid refined carbohydrates - it just bugged me.)

I can understand it more when people go to extraordinary lengths to extend the life of an infant or child… because in a child there is so much potential for life to be lived. But what I can’t condone are the numerous lawsuits parents have filed when doctors were unable to miraculously save a child born with serious life-threatening defects. Yes, gross negligence should be punished… but once the child is dead and gone, all the money in the world won’t bring them back.

I think we’ve lost sight of the time when the leading cause of death for women was childbirth, and when more women than not had lost at least one child in infancy. Of course I’m thrilled that’s no longer the case. But it seems like these days we’re meant to believe that if the stick turns blue – you’re guaranteed a healthy baby. And if, heaven forbid, that’s not the case – well clearly it’s something the mother did wrong… too much caffeine, not enough folic acid, too old, too active, whatever, whatever. It’s like we refuse to accept that sometimes these things; terrible, sad, tragic things, just happen. Sometimes babies die and it’s nobody’s fault. I can’t even imagine how horrible it is for the mother (or father for that matter). But it happens… death is a part of life… and I admire the courage of women who have experienced this and have talked about their reality of it. Because it feels very much like we’re not supposed to talk about such things.


And as much as it concerns me – our inability to come to terms with our own mortality, it’s nothing, not even close to how disturbed I am by what people are willing to do to keep their PETS alive! I love my Sally-girl dearly, I do. I spend disturbing amounts of money on her care & feeding to manage her allergies. But if she ever got really sick, or life-threateningly injured – I would let her go. I’m sure I would spend several days before and after crying my eyes out… but I would have the vet euthanize her if she could no longer live her (rather pampered I must say) normal kitty life. I’m also not about to confine her to the apartment to keep her safe from whatever dangers (real or imagined) exist in the outdoor world. If she got hit by a car – I’d be sad, I’d cry, in the shock of it I’d probably be mad at the person driving the car… but I know that it’s a possibility… it’s a risk. But that’s what life is – it’s a risk.

We can live our lives in safe little boxes, doing everything we can to prevent or forestall death, pretending that somehow we can avoid it… but that’s hardly living. I should know – I’m living in one of those safe little boxes right now – and honestly it’s boring as hell. Of course I’m not suggesting anyone take up smoking or playing in traffic. But maybe we all need just a healthy appreciation for the fact that we’re going to die someday, and learn to live a little. (BTW - if you do learn to live a little – please tell me how. I’ve dealt with my fear of death but haven’t quite dealt with my fear of life!)

Oh yeah… I’ve talked about death… now taxes. Hmm… I still haven’t done them. Even though my financial situation is about as uncomplicated as they get and I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting a refund, I’m completely unmotivated to do the paperwork. Maybe I won’t do it this year. What’s the worst that could happen?


They don’t call me Rebel for nothing.







Actually yes they do...

Don’t worry – I’ll file my tax return…eventually.

Things that make me irationally happy!

I have no actual content today so I thought I would post some things that make me really happy.





First - Cute Shoes!


The brown ones are just cute, but the Converse sneakers are something I've been looking for for quite a while. I wear a boys size 4... which was rather hard to find.

Second - my obscure Dr. Who reference T-shirt!

There's this episode in season 2 where.... there's this guy... and he watches this video and the guy says "The angels have the phone box" and there's this whole conspiracy theory... and .... anyway, it's funny if you've seen it. Well... it was funny when I saw it.

So yeah... um... no actual content today. Carry on. =P

blog stalking & blasts from my past

My hands have been feeling a bit sore, so I'm taking a little break from crafting. Nothing short of a complete interwebs breakdown would keep me off the computer though, and I thought I'd share a little* story with you all....

Once upon a time in a junior high gym class far far away, an evil princess named Riley (or some other gender crossing uber-fashionable name) was in the locker room changing clothes next our protagonist.... Rebel, aged 13, newly relocated to Southern California. Rebel is standing there in a t-shirt and what her mother deems age-appropriate floral patterned modestly cut cotton underwear. Riley, wearing a training bra (training for what, I'm not sure, since there had not been much 'development' for either of us) and pale pink satin bikini underwear. Riley takes one look at Rebel's underwear and starts laughing "Oh my god!" she exclaims in her valley-girl accent... "Do you really wear those??? They look like Grandma underwear!!!" Rebel, suitably ashamed begins an unfortunate stage in her life where she saves up her allowance money to buy unbelievably uncomfortable and highly impractical undergarments for the sole purpose of avoiding ridicule in the locker room. A highlight of this time period was when Rebel tried to run a timed mile with the worst wedgie known to humanity. In High School Riley would lose two fingers** in a tragic wood-shop accident.

Fast forward a few years, Rebel, now aged 16, spends countless spring & summer afternoons with friends at Kevin's house (Kevin's parents are extremely successful and their house has a heated pool, hot tub, a large screen TV with surround sound and... a laser-disk player!). We come over after school, change into our swimsuits and stay as late as Kevin's parents will let us. This is such a common activity that there's a drawer full of left-over swim suits that anyone can borrow if they happen to have forgotten their own. Kevin is a year younger than Rebel and is viewed much as a little brother by many of his female friends.

It's important to note that Kevin and Rebel and their friends are all good fluffy-pink Christian kids, who go to Youth Group & Prayer meetings for fun, it is a point of much pride that Kevin goes to the same church as Kirk Cameron. In fact one day we all get to be the audience in a video on the dangers of teen-sex in which Kirk Cameron is the narrator and Kevin's dad, a doctor, is the medical expert. Later Kevin and his mother will appear on an episode of the Montel Williams Show promoting abstinence for teens. Just painting the picture here.

One typical evening, Rebel and friends (including Rebel's current crush... he has a tattoo!***) are hanging out a Kevin's house, watching movies, being noisy, just having as much fun as a bunch of good Christian kids can have under the watchful eyes of Kevin's parents. At one point Kevin stands up and says "Oh - I just remembered..." ducks into his room and returns carrying high over his head a pair of bright pink satin string-bikini underwear and in front of God, the tattooed boy, & everyone announces to Rebel "you left these here the other day." If she could have died on the spot... she would have.



Anyway.... all of that is just to say I've been blog-stalking and googling folks from my past. It turns out Kevin is one of the contributors to his church's blog, he's a part of the 'music ministry'. He still lives in Southern California, and recently sang back-up on the High School Musical soundtrack if you're curious. He's married & has a baby girl now. :) I left him a comment, but I'm not sure he saw it because he never responded. He hasn't changed a bit since high-school, and it's making me wonder how much I have. Huh.

I'm back to wearing practical cotton underwear though****... that's something. ;)









* aka - long & pointless



**They sewed them back on... but it's more fun for me to imagine her with a three-fingered hand ;)



*** Of a dove ... gotta love those Christian bad-boys. ;)

**** Most of the time. ;)

A great big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff

aka: My End of Year Reflections

I've kept a journal since I was in Jr. High, this is a bit of a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it's interesting to go back and see what my 13, 15, 18, 25, or 30 year old self was thinking and doing at given moments in time... but on the other hand, it's a bit sad to see how often I make the same plans & resolutions over and over again. =/ I did try to switch them up a bit for 2007 though. Let's see how I did.

Well Intended Intentions for 2007:

1. Continue working towards a career change. Find out what I really would enjoy doing & get on the path to doing it.

2. Give up Dr. Pepper or at least reduce consumption drastically.

3. Pay off existing debt (credit cards) and avoid accumulating any additional credit card debt.

4. Work towards healthier eating habits & better meal planning.

5. Create a better bed-time routine, aim for a 9pm bedtime.

6. Continue aligning myself with a friendly universe that has good gifts for me.

So let's see how we did.

1. Career change:
I'm getting there. I have actually kinda sorta discovered what I think I might like to do for a career. I sound really sure, don't I? =P Well, for me, the queen of being in a rut, this represents some pretty dramatic progress. I made a list of all the things I would want in a new job, and one of the top things was that it would allow me to travel, and in some way give back to the world. From this I went in the direction of joining the Peace Corps. After researching it for a while, I decided it might not be quite the right thing for me... but that I might enjoy going abroad to teach English for a year or two. I did some volunteering as an English tutor, and I really think this is a promising career choice for me. I've mailed in my application for a CELTA course (Certification for English Language Teaching to Adults). If I get in, I'll be starting the course in February. So I may actually end up in a new career sometime next year!

Grade: B



2. Give up Dr. Pepper.
Ha ha ha ha ha! There's a 32 oz Dr. Pepper sitting on the table before me. Okay... this one has been on my resolutions list for a while. Seriously, I'm glad I never took up smoking because I'd never be able to quit it! I gave up the Pepper for about a month, then slowly but surely fell off the wagon again. Most recently though I've been drinking a LOT of tea while at work, rather than Dr. Pepper, and over the summer I did go through a couple of Iced Tea phases. But after my Nalgene bottle leaked iced tea all over my work bag, completely soaking a couple of books and a CD, so that plan didn't last all that long.

Grade: C+



3. Pay off Debt.
I've paid off my student loans, my car loan, my credit card debt, and have avoided carrying a balance on my card since paying it off! I'm completely debt free! And not only am I debt free, I have enough money in the bank to pay for the CELTA course I'd like to take, and my IRA is slowly but surely growing. For the very first time in my life I have a positive net-worth and I can't even describe how happy that makes me. And here's a little surprise, now that I have money in the bank that's actually mine, I'm a lot less eager to spend it on frivolous things. Back when I got my first post-college job I thought nothing of going to the mall & dropping $50 at Bath & Body Works or Victoria's Secret, just put it on the card - I'll pay for it eventually. But now that I have money, I don't want to waste it. I mean, I do... I've gone a little crazy at the fabric store a few times... but not to the extent that I used to.

Grade: A+++



4. Healthier Eating
Well, over the summer I went on a veggie soup kick... and that was pretty healthy, but overall I haven't changed my eating habits at all. This one's been on the list for a long time too.

Grade: C



5. Bedtime routine
Another mixed result here...and a bit of a tangent. I've gotten back into the habit of reading before bed, which is a really good thing. I don't know why but around the turn of the century (and I soooo love getting to say that) I'd gotten out of the habit of reading. But I like reading... a lot... I just don't like reading boring books. ;) In 2005 I read 15 books, in 2006 I read 14 books but this year I've read 25 (this includes reading all 7 Harry Potter books for the very first time, and promptly rereading the first 6 & dude - some of them are LONG), and will probably finish another before the end of the year. So, I made a pretty good attempt at creating a new bedtime routine, but it hasn't actually gotten me to sleep any earlier. The 9 o'clock bedtime is a joke, and now it's rare if I turn in before 11pm.

Grade: Books read = A, actually going to sleep on time= F


6. Aligning myself with a friendly universe.
This was a nod to my therapist at the time. This was her catch phrase, always trying to get me to 're-frame' my thoughts and experiences into a more positive light. Personally I hate that expression, but I did appreciate what she was trying to teach me. I have tried to open myself up a bit more to what the universe has to offer, and have tried 'tuning in' more to 'that which pleases' me (more of her catch-phrases), and I think I've been pretty successful at that. I'm doing a bit better of a job of 'flying my freak flag' as it were, letting my geeky side out to play a bit more than I used to. And in doing so I've discovered (much in the same way that Columbus discovered America) Harry Potter & the new Doctor Who series... both of which make me irrationally happy. I'm spending more time on things I like to do and less on putting up with situations that annoy me. I'm making peace with my inner introvert, and I've stopped forcing myself to be outgoing when I just don't feel like it. In general, I think I'm doing a better job of getting in tune with myself if that makes sense. The universe has not been entirely cooperative (what with getting my stereo stolen, and that guy I went out with twice before he told me he was still married)... but it's put some good people in my path this year, for which I'm grateful.

Grade: I'm giving myself an A for effort, but I'm giving the universe a C+ in it's quality of gifts for me.



My final grade for 2007 is a solid B. Not too shabby.



And I guess this would be a good time to come up with some Well Intended Intentions for 2008

1. Study a foreign language (or two, or more), learn enough to handle basic greetings, shopping or travel.

2. Travel outside the United States, for a vacation if not for a new job.

3. Leave my current job for a more satisfying one.

4. Find an enjoyable & non painful form of exercise or physical activity.

5. Finish my Flying Geese quilt

6. Learn a new craft or skill.

Ok - those may seem pretty easy to accomplish but I'm guessing #3 & #4 are going to be the killers for me this year. If I can accomplish one of those, I'll be pretty dang pleased with myself. Wish me luck!

33x365?

Someone out in the blog-o-sphere decided that to honor his 40th birthday he would make a list of 365 people in his life and write 40 words about each person. The result is alternately touching, funny, and just... I don't know... very human. I was thinking about doing something similar - but there's no way I could limit myself to the 33 words representing my age. I don't think I could even do it in 40. But I still think it would be an interesting, and challenging, experience to even remember 365 people in my life.

I've already started jotting a few things down, but only have about a dozen people so far. This could end up being very challenging. But I think I could use a little more challenge in my life, and I'm always up for a little introspection. So this will be a blog project for me starting in the new year.

Anyone care to join me?

WIP Wednesday

When I started this blog, I thought a lot about how much personal information to include. I decided pretty early not to name names, and to avoid posting pictures of kids (trust me, my little niece & nephew are freakin' *adorable*). But I'm always thinking about how much other content to include, and generally err on the conservative side. However I've recently been told that my blog is 'the tamest blog' on a particular reader's blogroll, so I'm going to take that as a hint that it's probably okay to include a bit more detail about my life.



So here's the first Work In Progress Mental Health Round Up!



1 - While I may not actually have Aspergers Syndrome, I might be working on social anxiety disorder, which is flat out bizarre. A while ago I figured out that my shyness is a function of the ratio of familiar to new people in a given situation. If I know most of the people in a given situation, I will be very outgoing and welcoming to any new people. If I am surrounded by strangers who all know each other... good lord I'll just about have a panic attack. I'm sure this is a pretty common form of shyness, but dang it's inconvenient when it comes to trying new things and meeting new people.



For example, the other day I went to a Quilt Guild meeting. Now, never mind the fact that I already knew two of the people who would be at the meeting, and never mind the fact that quilters are about the most warm & friendly people on the planet, I was still freaking out on my way over there! And when they asked the new guests to stand up and introduce themselves... I threatened my friend with bodily harm should she rat me out as a newbie. I mean really... they were handing out little goodie bags to the new people and I still wasn't about to introduce myself. I have got to sort this out, or I really will end up being the crazy cat lady. And why again do I think it will be fun to go to a foreign country for a year or two???



2. Denial... it's not just a river in Egypt, it might also be a suburb of Nashville population: my family. Now I really did have a good visit with my family, but I kinda think that might be because I've finally perfected my mother's habit of pretending that everything is fine when everything is not fine. Pretending that my family is not really racist, and that my sister & BIL are not irrationally overprotective, and that my dad is not, well, a jerk. I can keep it up for a couple of days anyway. But it's probably not the best way of dealing with life. One day, I think it would be nice (maybe not nice, but novel, refreshing) to be able to speak my mind to my family, to call them on their crap. I don't think that day will be any time soon though.



3. And, as I'm constantly advising others to seek therapy, I should say I've finally found a new therapist myself. The jury's still out though. She seems smart & easy to talk to (and has a Rothko painting in her office) but I've only been to her twice, so we'll see how it works out.



So that's the biggest "work in progress" in my life right now. More knitting & baking & crafty-goodness to come later, but for now that's what's been on my mind.

Flying my freak flag

It's possible, actually highly probably that you missed this exchange in comments regarding the key chain I showed off when I spilled the contents of my purse:

jenn said...
oh, and who is that teeny, tiny man i see dangling from your key chain?
September 27, 2007 10:10 AM
Rebel said...
Why that would be Special Agent Fox Mulder making his way up Skyland Mountain to rescue Agent Skully from Duane Barry before aliens/ members of a covert para-governmental consortium kidnap her, insert a tracking device in the back of her neck, steal her eggs and give her cancer, thus rendering her infertile until season 8. Next Question?
September 27, 2007 12:50 PM
Michael5000 said...
Oh dear.... You know, I've never had a TV, but back in the day I always managed to have a standing Sunday night X-Files date with someone who did. Some friends made me VCR tapes of every episode up to #110 or something, and they've been sitting in boxes for the last 7 or 8 years. I'm going to toss them... but first, I'm watching them through, in order, while I do my handwork. So, it's not that I'm NOT going to call you a dork for what you said just then, but....
September 27, 2007 1:08 PM

Well, if I'm not a dork for that, what about this:

There's Mulder, Scully, a mysterious dead body, an 'alien incubator', the most awesome lunch box ever, and of course, the pride and joy of my collection: 109 video taped episodes of the show, programmed, categorized, and easily referenced (note the yellow pages on the left). Some of the tapes are even lovingly decoupaged.

There was a time when I would have been embarrassed to widely acknowledge all my quirks and obsessions. Prior to going on a date several years ago a coworker gave me the sage advice "Whatever you do - don't talk about your cat!" Well, I didn't talk about the cat, but I still didn't end up with the guy. So now I'm more inclined to just let it all (or mostly) hang out. Especially after hearing about a guy Mistress J. dated prior to DWE. Not only did he have to arrange care for his aged & infirm cat before he could go out with her, when said cat finally died, he wrote a eulogy that was several pages long. As long as there are guys like that out there, I don't see anything wrong with talking about my Sally.

So now I'm outed as a complete and total X-Phile. I was obsessed for quite a while, suffered through unbelievable anxiety for the six months between seasons 7 and 8, and I was absolutely heartbroken in the final seasons when the show I loved for it's sharp writing and beautiful character development, jumped the shark so completely. Agony I tell you. Sheer agony. After eventually getting some closure with the series finale, I vowed never to love another show the way I loved The X Files. I actually made myself stop watching Lost sometime in the first season because it was just too good and I was scared to go 'to the bad place' again. Once the series is all out on DVD, I'll put it in my Netflix queue. Where, at least, if it breaks my heart, it'll be quick.